Yesterday I got to do something special. I went to the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. for a press conference announcing the results of a new study “Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Mothers”.

The room wasn’t overly large and there were probably 50 to 75 people attending. What I find interesting is to see the report splattered all over various news web sites after attending the actual announcement.

The key conclusion of the report is that divorce and unwed motherhood costs the U.S. taxpayers a minimum of $112 billion dollars per year. The point was in addition to the human suffering caused by divorce and children out of wedlock, and moral concerns, there is also a large economic price tag. What was encouraging was to hear just some of the snippets of what is being done around the country to stem the tide of divorce.

Another thing I learned was that there is a new website (www.reformdivorce.com) dedicated to reforming divorce laws. What we have in this country is unilateral divorce where one partner is able to force the issue to get out of a marriage where both had to agree to enter it in the first place. I heard someone say once that it is easier to get out of a marriage in this country than to get out of a car lease early.

For more info on both the cost of divorce and divorce reform see www.divorcereform.com.

I just spent probably less than half an hour reading through an email sent from Smart Marriages about various resources. (www.smartmarriages.com) In that short amount of time I came across Marriage Resources for Clergy. They are sermons and music more specifically geared to help pastors promote marriage.

I saw the Marriage Co-Mission, a group formed by the founders of Chik-Fil-A that is designed to help community marriage initiatives.

I learned more about the Family Formation Project which is a joint effort of the government and the University of Minnesota to help promote marriage between unwed parents.

It is encouraging to see the government supporting the value of marriage which is very important to the faith community. It is always interesting when the government gets behind values that have been in the Bible all along. Gives me some hope for this country.

If you want help in marriage or in supporting marriages, there are lots of resources fairly quick to find. See my Community Marriage Resources section for links to all of these.

One very helpful concept that I heard in Divorce Care, shared by Dr. Jim Talley, was the concept of “The Line of Reconciliation.” He compared marriage to a highway. Each partner in marriage is on their side of the highway and even in a good marriage they move towards and away from one another at the center line. In a divorce situation one partner decides to stay far away from the line of reconciliation.

The hope Dr. Talley gives is that almost always even the partner who wanted a divorce will at some point in time come back to the line of reconciliation. They will at least be open to thinking if a reconciliation is possible or even desiring reconciliation. The key is that the partner who did not want a divorce needs to always be open to reconciliation and not be off dating or whatever because they might miss their golden opportunity to reconcile. I think the longest Dr. Talley had seen someone hold the line was a 12-year divorce before reconciliation.

I am thankful that during our 16-month separation I stayed at the line of reconciliation. Actually it was more like I chased after her in the ditch on her side of the road. She wasn’t very successful at getting rid of me. 🙂

See also Reconcilable Differences by Dr. Jim Talley.

Sometimes as I hear another story about a divorce, or read another statistic about divorce, or see more anti-marriage articles, I get discouraged. I wonder what to say and how to say it – to help people have hope for their marriages. I can point to many helpful resources, but one-by-one people have to decide to drive a “stake in the ground” that they are going to go all out to save their marriage.

Often, I don’t know how to inspire that kind of desire. I can share our testimony, I can share resources, I can share statistics, but each person has to hold onto their own marriage. Hopefully, as many of us become more articulate about our own healed marriages, available resources, and negative consequences of divorce, more people will chose to stay married. Regardless of what others do I want to continue to persist to have a more and more fulfilling marriage. As I do, I hope to be an inspiration for one couple at a time to hold on to theirs.

One resource I would really like to find would be an attorney who is willing to judiciously use the law to slow down divorce proceedings as long as possible, and to use all of his finesse to compel reconciliation. My hunch is that, in general, once a divorce petition is filed, or even threatened, there is a lot of pressure to settle even if you don’t want a divorce. It seems to me there could be reasonable ways to use the law to make the partner wanting out have to work very hard to get a divorce and to spend much time reflecting about it.

My wife and I never got into the court system. My strategy was sort of like the MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) strategy the U.S. seemed to have with Russia. Because I had told her so emphatically that I would not sign any voluntary dissolution, she knew her only way out was to pursue a full blown divorce action. That is totally unpredictable in financial cost, but my hope was that she would come to her senses before we both became bankrupt. Thankfully we reconciled before any papers were filed.

It is so easy in a struggling marriage to point fingers at our spouse at all that they have done wrong. During our 16-month separation, my wife Sharon would say I mastered that.

Something I’ve read is that even if we are only 1% responsible for the struggles in our marriage we are 100% responsible before God for our 1%. Someone has said that marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, but that each spouse must be giving 100%. Another has said that sometimes one spouse gives 60% and one gives 40%, then sometimes the percentages switch.

I found it so helpful, when I didn’t know what else to do, to pray Psalm 51 aloud. It is David’s prayer of repentance after Bathsheba.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up the walls of Jerusalem. Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar. ~ Psalm 51

Even if we haven’t committed the sins of adultery and murder like David, who of us wouldn’t want a cleaner heart before God, and who of us can totally clean our hearts without God’s help?

I just came across this on the Smart Marriages website. Check out www.myspace.com/warrenbarfield. He has a song called “Love is Not a Fight”. My favorite line is “If we try to leave, may God send His angels to guard the door; No, love is not a fight but it’s something worth fighting for.” I wish I had known of a song like this during our separation to keep me inspired to hang onto hope.

I don’t know who has been looking at this blog. Actually some of my purpose is to continue to help sort out my own understanding of our separation, then figure out what I can do to help others. What have you found helpful? Is there something else you are hoping to find help for?

Michelle Weiner Davis is a real bulldog for marriage. (www.divorcebusting.com)

Michelle focuses on what is called Solution-Oriented Therapy. In other words, rather than focusing primarily on what has gone wrong in the past in an individual’s life or marriage, she focuses on “What can we do right going forward?” She has written various books on saving marriages. There is a forum on her website.

Michelle also offers Divorce Busting Coaches. These are coaches who have been trained in her methods to help a person who wants to save their marriage even when a spouse isn’t willing, to devise strategies that have a high chance of success. I never used this service, but I probably would have tried it if Sharon had gone farther towards divorce before she reconciled with me.

When I realize how important and foundational marriage is in everyday life, I think about how few Scriptures specifically address marriage and divorce and I am puzzled about why that is. The Bible talks a lot about good relationships, and marriage is a relationship, so if we apply good relationship principles from Scriptures to our marriages, we should have good marriages.

To find out what God thinks about marriage and divorce you don’t have to read pages and pages. You can just click on our Scripture page link for many key ones.

The amazing thing is how so many of these Scriptures tie together. In a few short passages you can see the links between what God said before there was the law, what Moses said through the law, what Jesus said when He was here, and finally, what Paul said as he primarily addressed first century Christians. I encourage you to study these Scriptures for yourself.