For some reason I hurt very deeply when people I know give up on their marriages. Maybe part of it is that at one time when my wife promised to divorce me (by God’s grace she didn’t go through with it) I had many people in the Christian community encouraging me to just accept it and give her a dissolution, telling me that there wasn’t anything I could do. I am glad that I didn’t listen, but persevered in refusing to give her a dissolution or to give up on our marriage.

I am so frustrated that often I don’t seem to be able to inspire others to stand radically for their marriage even when it looks hopeless. My observation has been that in marriages that have reconciled one party or the other just got determined that they were not giving up. I don’t know how to inspire people to get that determined.

I have a friend who is a former professional clinical counselor. He has mentioned that a counselor should be the last one standing saying that there is hope for a marriage even when others, including the couple, have lost hope. That concept inspires me a lot as a coach/mentor/ friend to struggling couples. But being the last one standing can be a very lonely place.

I often hear statements from spouses along the lines of “I will do anything to save my marriage.” or “I want to know that I have done everything possible to save my marriage.”

I heard once during our separation that someone said, “Do everything you can think of to save your marriage, and when you are done with that, God is just ready to get started.” That inspired me to keep trying when things looked hopeless.

Here is a quick list of resources to help you on this blog, but there are many other things to try. If you do browse this blog, you will also find some testimonies about some of the things that I did.

1. Absolutely refuse to sign a voluntary dissolution. Let your spouse pursue you all the way through the court system and allow the judge to make the decision. Hopefully, they will not pursue it that far. Find more of my thoughts under the post called “Let No Man Put Asunder.”

2. Start fasting regularly, whether on counseling days, one day a week, or eventually a long-term fast of 21-40 days.

3. Listen to DVDs and do the workbook for Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce. Listen closely to the reconciliation testimonies.

4. Read A Stander’s Affirmation here. Decide if you can truthfully say it, then pray it, and hold on.

5. Do Marriage 911 Online.

6. Join a Divorce Care group (You can find one here). Pay particular attention to the sections on reconciliation and the testimonies.

7. Seek out marriage testimonies of reconciled marriages in person, on the web, and in books.

8. Get counseling/mentoring/coaching for any life issues you have, such as drugs/alcohol/sex addiction/depression/etc.

9. Get people praying for you, whether pastors/elders/ friends. Go forward for special prayer at worship services.

10. Go for some sort of intensive prayer counseling and work prayer into your life in a new and special way. See my prayer links on this blog.

You may be asking, “What about my spouse?” Personally, I believe the key is allowing God to change you, then on your behalf; he may move to change your spouse’s heart.

I know this is a lot of information. If it is overwhelming, pick out a couple of things and get started, then add more later. If you have done all of these things listed and you still aren’t reconciled, try some other resources from this blog, try some other things that God has shown you, contact a community marriage resource center, or ask your counselor for more resources.

I just came across a website http://www.savedmarriage.com/. It appears to be a good collection of resources for saving marriages, some of which I haven’t discovered before and many good ones that I am aware of. They also have a book “Can My Marriage Be Saved?” You can read the first chapter online. The testimony in the first chapter was excellent. If you need hope for your marriage or someone’s marriage you know, I would encourage you to check this out.

I think the majority of Christians agree that God places a high value on marriage. What has been interesting lately is how part of the world has come around to really looking for ways to make marriages work. Smart Marriages is an organization that features both faith-based and secular resources for marriage.

In some communities across the country welfare offices are putting some of their funds into helping strengthen marriage because they realize that healthy marriages help reduce the amount of government money going to all sorts of social programs.

As I browse different magazines and websites I find that there are even secular people realizing that monogamous relationships have safer and better sex. Some of them are afraid to say the word marriage, but a step in the right direction is a step in the right direction.

There is a lot of university research being done about marriages.

I have seen a book called “Divorce Lawyers Guide to Saving Your Marriage”. This divorce lawyer has realized that many marriages are unnesscessarily ended.

Our challenge as Christians is to have marriages that are so full of love that the world will see Christ through our marriage and know that there is more to life than even a great marriage.

Lots of times we hear testimonies from people – both Christian and non-Christian – about how they used to do drugs, or steal, or engage in illicit sex. They will share how low they went and then how they recovered. They will then plead with their audience not to go down that road.

It seems like it is rare to hear divorced people pleading with those who are going through a serious crisis in their marriage, to hang on and not get divorced. I just was wondering why this seems to be such a common contrast.

I want to encourage people who wish they had more of a devotional life with some different ideas about how to increase their focus on Christ. One thing I have done is to get the Bible on CD. It is amazing what new insights I have when I listen to things I have read for years. A while ago someone pointed out to me that in Biblical times the people got their information by listening to it being read in the synagogue, mostly because the majority didn’t read.

I often stick a worship CD in the car, so when I am driving I hear different snippets. I love worship that has a lot of Scripture in it. Singers John G. Elliot and Twila Paris are good examples of this.

Sometimes I really struggle to pray verbally so I type my prayers on my computer. If I don’t have it with me, I write them the old-fashioned way – on paper. If you want an easy prayer journal to look back through you can create a private blog.

I really like Beth Moore’s Believing God study. You can do it online at www. lifeway.com/bg.

Right now Beth Moore is doing a study through Romans. You can go to www.lproof.org and click on the study at www.oneplace.org.

The key is to find something that works for you.

I drove by the former house of family members who are now divorced. They moved into their home when it was new about the time my wife and I were married. At the time they moved in the trees were very small. Now the street has very pretty big trees along it. I was thinking how sad that their marriage didn’t continue to grow as the trees did.

I also realized that the statistics on divorce that the wife takes a reduction in living standards are probably pretty true. I had just been at the ex-wife’s home and it is not nearly as nice as the old home. I also felt sad for her for all of the hard work with shrubbery and bushes that she put in the first home that she doesn’t get to enjoy.

I tried the best I knew how at the time to encourage this couple to work things out and I still feel a sadness that they didn’t. With Christ’s help, I hope to become more effective over the years in helping crisis marriages turn around.

I just found this web site called www.beyondwinwin.com. One of the things they do is to help couples communicate and resolve conflict through mediation. It often results in a marriage reconciliation. They mention that often one spouse does not want a divorce and that mediation is normally set up to commit relationship suicide. I am glad that someone recognizes that it doesn’t have to be that way.