I just read about a new book out from www.prepare-enrich.com. The premise is to do a relationship checkup as a couple and to focus on strengths. I like the concept of focusing first on strengths because it’s so easy to get discouraged if you start first with the problems. Yes, problems need to be addressed, but once you find some strengths, hope can arise for overcoming problems.

During my wife’s and my separation Jesus’ words “All things are possible with God” kept coming to mind, and sustaining me when things seem hopeless. Praise the Lord, when things looked most hopeless and Sharon was extremely determined to end our marriage, unwilling to even try to reconcile, Jesus moved on her heart to try one more time. We both went to a one-day PAIRS seminar and by the end of the day were firmly on the way to reconciling, although it took another two months before we were living together again.

The longer I am married and the more I listen to long-term marrieds, the more I am convinced that a good marriage is hard work. The disappointing thing about today’s world is that there are fewer and fewer long-term marriages to look to for guidance on how to make it work.

The good thing about today’s environment is that there are unprecedented resources available to help people in any stage of a relationship. Some of these are secular materials and some are Christian materials.

One encouraging thing is that I hear of a lot of young people who are truly interested in learning new skills so that they have a shot at not repeating the mistakes of their parents’ generation. I also hear many divorced people who want to try to make changes the second time around because they don’t want a second failed marriage.

Last weekend I attended the wedding of some people I know pretty well who are not Christians. They are pretty respectful of my wife’s and my faith, but they really don’t like us to go too deep about it.

The father of the bride had an affair, divorced his first wife (the bride’s mother), and then married the other woman. The bride and her husband have a two-year-old girl and have been living together for quite a while. The father’s second wife was the primary wedding “go-to” person that day. The marriage ceremony was performed by someone who gave a nice talk, but from a secular perspective.

I just get puzzled sometimes why people who really don’t want much to do with Christian values – the values of no adultery in marriage, no sex outside of marriage, and no babies out of wedlock – get so excited about weddings and getting married.

It was interesting, though, how many Christian values were upheld in the talk and the vows. Things like love, patience, kindness, endurance, working out problems, helping each other, and being for life.

I was reminded of what Pastor John Piper teaches. Even a non-Christian marriage reflects some of the glory of God and of the love that Christ has for His Bride, the Church.

It just seems to me that if people are living by primarily non-Christian, non-religious, secular values, they wouldn’t be that interested in going through all of the legal hoops of getting married, and then divorced, if it doesn’t work.

The really sad part is that I have been involved in trying to convince Christian couples who profess to live by Christian values, who were probably married in the church and are still in the church, to keep their vows and stay together. Then I watch secular people really desiring to get married and stay married.

At the website http://www.rejoiceministries.org/, there is a Stander’s Affirmation. It is a pledge to hang in there for your marriage regardless of what your spouse does. I still remember how overwhelmed I was when I said it while my wife and I were separated and she was promising to get a divorce. One thing I realized was that if I truly lived by my affirmation I was really giving up on getting remarried, even if she pursued the divorce all the way through the court system with no agreement on my part.

This is a radical proclamation to make. If you are in a deep marital crisis, there will come a time to decide either you are 100% in your marriage and keeping your vows, regardless of your spouse – or you are not.

STANDER’S AFFIRMATION

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE! … I will not give up, give in, give out or give over ’til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words… in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad…so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down ’til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous… nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing, nor will I seek to lower God’s standard, twist God’s will, rewrite God’s word, violate God’s covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God’s faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up ’til my marriage is healed.

– Author Unknown

Somewhere in the Bible, it talks about a time when wrong will be right and right will be wrong. I think many Christians believe that we are living in that time. As I ponder our culture, I am amazed. We have gays pushing to be married. On the other hand over the past few years heterosexuals have been trending alot more to living together without marriage.

One thing I have thought is that if a person really doesn’t believe in the permanence of marriage – then living together until “those lovin’ feelings” are gone – does make sense, not that it is morally right. I guess I almost have more respect for people who just admit they don’t want a long term commitment and live together, than I do for those who promise “until death do us part” three or four times because they continue to divorce after multiple marriages.

In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul writes, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

During our separation one verse I held onto for hope was “Love never fails.” To me that was an awesome promise. If with God’s help I could be loving in all circumstances to my wife and kids, eventually good would come. For those times where I failed to be loving I trusted His grace for me.

What small thing can you do today to show love to someone? Rest assured that love never fails.

One of my personal observations has been that of those couples who have been in serious marital difficulties and then recovered, most generally one partner or the other has at some point in time drawn a line in the sand with great determination with an attitude of “We are not getting divorced.” I have seen spouses who have gotten that determined even though they were facing a spouse’s adultery, or alcoholism, or other major issues.

This attitude seems to be a key between separating those whose marriages make it and those that don’t. It is not a formula I can teach anyone; it is something a person has to find from within.

At times I have heard my wife encourage people to never, never, never give up on their marriage. This is from a woman who was separated from me for 16 months, and who was unwilling for a long time to work on reconciling with me. Thankfully God had other plans, and He helped me to hang on when there didn’t appear to be hope.

The website that is probably the most helpful for those who want to draw a line in the sand for their marriage is http://www.rejoiceministries.org/. I would encourage such a person to read Bob and Charlyne’s testimony, other testimonies and various articles. Dig deeply into what these people have to say.

Sometimes I just get discouraged. I try so much to encourage people to draw a line in the sand to hold onto their marriages and sometimes it doesn’t seem like I get through to them. Often times after we hold trainings and I see people and ask if they are using some of what we taught them, they will answer “no”, and then grumble about still struggling. I often wonder how often this blog is read, and hope it is helping someone. I do know of some marriages that I have been involved with helping have been turning around and that is encouraging.

Then, in real life, my marriage goes up and down and that can be discouraging also. Maybe some days I am too much of an optimist and put my hopes and expectations too high for myself or others. When I try to pare down my hopes though it is too easy just to settle for survival, and I don’t think that is what Jesus meant when He said that He came to give abundant life.