Changing Your Marriage by Yourself

If you are in a crisis marriage it is so easy to think that there is nothing you can do if you partner won’t cooperate. One of the first principles to understand is that if you change yourself in a marriage, your marriage changes because the sum total of your marriage is the two of you. Here is the same principle expressed by different people.

Paul and Lori Byerly discuss here how choosing to be generous can change your marriage.

Michelle Weiner Davis who has many hours of counseling couples has this great video about changing your marriage by yourself.

Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs remarried after her affair and their divorce. It took approximately seven years for Jeff to forgive Cheryl enough to remarry her, even though with God’s help she had turned her life around pretty quickly after the divorce. She had to continue to love him even when he was unwilling for a long time to reconcile. Here is their inspiring story.

Emerson Eggerichs in his book Love and Respect unpacks God’s command in Ephesians 5:33 for men to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Bottom line is that if you start doing what God commands you to do as a husband or wife you can help get your marriage unstuck.

Once you are truly convinced that you can change your marriage by yourself the doors blow wide open to get your marriage off dead center. It may take time but your marriage can truly be different.

My observation is that until one partner or the other truly becomes convinced that they can make a difference in their marriage there is not much we can do for the marriage except be a listening ear and help pick up the pieces. But typically, the marriage doesn’t get better.

I’ve learned in almost all couples that go from a very bad spot in their marriage to a good or great marriage, one partner or the other became absolutely convinced that with God’s help they could make a difference in their marriage and that they were not going to give up until their marriage was healed.

Will you be that partner that stands in the gap for your marriage, and with God’s help does all you can to change yourself, and your actions and reactions in your marriage? Will you keep doing those things until your marriage is healed?

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Happy 236th Birthday, United States of America!

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

New Hampshire:
Josiah BartlettWilliam WhippleMatthew Thornton

Massachusetts:
John HancockSamuel AdamsJohn AdamsRobert Treat PaineElbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen HopkinsWilliam Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger ShermanSamuel HuntingtonWilliam WilliamsOliver Wolcott

New York:
William FloydPhilip LivingstonFrancis LewisLewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard StocktonJohn WitherspoonFrancis HopkinsonJohn HartAbraham Clark

Pennsylvania:
Robert MorrisBenjamin RushBenjamin FranklinJohn MortonGeorge ClymerJames SmithGeorge TaylorJames WilsonGeorge Ross

Delaware:
Caesar RodneyGeorge ReadThomas McKean

Maryland:
Samuel ChaseWilliam PacaThomas StoneCharles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George WytheRichard Henry LeeThomas JeffersonBenjamin HarrisonThomas Nelson, Jr.Francis Lightfoot LeeCarter Braxton

North Carolina:
William HooperJoseph HewesJohn Penn

South Carolina:
Edward RutledgeThomas Heyward, Jr.Thomas Lynch, Jr.Arthur Middleton

Georgia:
Button GwinnettLyman HallGeorge Walton

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Jay and Laura Laffoon’s Ultimate Date Night Event

We have met Jay and Laura Laffoon in person at some seminars and they are hilarious marriage edutainers that use humor and personal stories to teach marriage principles.

We are helping to sponsor one of their Ultimate Date Night events along with the Marriage Resource Center of Miami Valley. If you are near Dayton, Ohio, you can see them on September 21, 2012. To register click here. See a preview of the Ultimate Date Night scroll down on the registration page.

To find out where else Laffoons will be click here. They also do Jay & Laura TV that can be pretty entertaining and informative.

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One Extraordinary Marriage

Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of One Extraordinary Marriage have great podcasts about marriage. During their 14 years of marriage they have struggled through many high and lows with such things as pornography, the loss of a child and financial struggles. But they keep relying on God to bring them through each challenge. In their podcasts they share very openly about both their past and current challenges and refer to lots of good resources.

Podcast 1, Podcast 4 and Podcast 7 give you a good idea about who they are.

[Warning: Be cautious about listening to the podcasts within your children’s hearing because they do handle some adult subjects very openly. Those might be more than you want your kids to hear or to prompt more questions than you want to answer that day.]

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The Stupendous Marriage Show

One of my favorite podcasts is The Stupendous Marriage Show by Stu and Lisa Gray. The goal of their podcast is to encourage, challenge and inspire marriages which they do superbly. They have a very light-hearted banter between them about all sorts of marriage subjects and are very authentic about their own marriage. Stu is self employed in the audio production field and Lisa is a self employed realtor so their perspective on marriage comes from what they have experienced themselves. Take a few minutes and check them out.

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Separation Crisis – Quickly Finding Resources and Hope in a Bookstore

If you or a friend you know have just begun a separation, especially one that you didn’t want, it is easy to be desperate for information and hope. During our separation I often browsed a book store or library for help from books I found.

Thankfully we are reconciled but today I decided to do an experiment by going to Barnes & Noble in their “Relationship” section to see what books might catch my eye if I was separated. In about 10 minutes I had pulled the following books off the shelf and read just enough from the covers to know that these might give some help and hope. I haven’t read all these yet so keep in mind you may find some of them duds or opposed to your values.

Here in no particular order is the list.

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery: 101 Stories about Surviving and Thriving after Divorce by Canfield, Hansen and Hansen. I have never been a big fan of Chicken Soup books but this looks like it might give some hope if the worst happens.

The Essential Guide to Surviving Infidelity: The Support You Need to Rebuild Trust and Reclaim Your Relationship by Liz Currin. If I had been cheated upon this looks like it might merit some more study and give some hope for our marriage to survive.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Surviving Divorce by Weintraub and Hillman.  In the past I have found the Complete Idiot’s Guides and the “For Dummies” book series to be very helpful in quickly giving me an overview of a subject that I really don’t know anything about. They won’t have every piece of information I need but usually help me know where to go look for answers.

The Complete Marriage Counselor: Relationship-Saving Advice from America’s top 50+ Couples Therapists by Sherry Amatenstein. This sounds like a gold mine of thoughts from people who deal with crisis couples for a living.

Forgiving the Unforgivable: Overcoming The Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds by Beverly Flanigan. If I had been deeply hurt by my partner but wanted to carry on maybe this would have helped.

The 7 Best Things (Happy) Couples Do by John and Linda Friel. I found during our separation that I needed to read some books about how to have the marriage that I had always desired, so that if we did reconcile, I could make changes to have a better marriage. One of the few things that Sharon and I agreed upon during our separation was that we didn’t want to go back to the marriage we had.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix. Since our reconciliation I have been to a seminar and heard Hendrix. He was someone who impressed me that he might have some helpful ideas on how to have a great marriage.

How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (And Making It Better Than It Was Before!) by Blase Harris. This is right in line with my prior thought of knowing that I wanted a different marriage than what I had before our separation.

Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting With Your Partner by Phillip C. McGraw. I actually studied this book and the workbook during our separation and found it helpful. I didn’t do every step but got lots of good ideas that helped change my perspective on our situation.

The Complete Guide for Men and Women Divorcing: Join Forces to Help You Keep the Breakup of Your Marriage From Becoming a Legal Nightmare or an Emotional Catastrophe by Melvin Belli and Mel Krantzler. This is the type of book that I hated to read during our separation because I desperately didn’t want a divorce and they were so depressing. I did read them some because I felt that I needed to be informed in case Sharon filed for divorce. Actually with understanding some of the legal issues my fear of the process decreased.

Any bookstore or library that you walk into will have a different set of books on display but  it is a fairly quick process to find alot of information, hope and encouragement. I used to tell myself that any day not in front of a divorce judge was a good day, even if it was reading books about a separation and possible divorce that I didn’t want.

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Get On With Your Life – NOT

It is quite common if you are separated from your spouse for many friends and family, even Christians, to encourage you to get on with your life, ie. get a divorce and find a new partner, even if your desire is to reconcile. This can be quite discouraging especially if you are looking for that slight ray of hope that your marriage can be restored.

Even though it is painful you just have to decide that you will not listen to others’ negativity and that by God’s grace you are going to believe for a miracle in spite of the evidence. You are the one who has to live with yourself the rest of your life and a divorce is too big of a decision to make hastily and then later regret not trying several more things.

People who had known Sharon and me a long time were both directly and indirectly telling me that “Sharon was done” and hinting that I needed to quit being so depressed, quit moping around about her, and start looking forward to the future with someone else.

If you read inspiring biographies of people in history who did great things, or sports heros that overcame incredible odds, one key theme is that most of them faced people saying that whatever they wanted couldn’t be done, but some way, somehow, something deep inside them kicked in and they just didn’t stop in pursuit of their dreams.

Short of telling you to ask for God’s help, I can’t give you a formula about how to get to that place of deep determination that some way, somehow you are not giving up on your marriage. However, I can tell you that for most marriages that have come back from the brink of divorce one partner or the other just got to the point of stubbornly not giving up.

There have been times in life that I have gotten stubborn about the wrong things, which has been painful, but I have never regretted being stubborn that one way or the other Jesus could heal our marriage and that if I didn’t give up He just might do it. I am so thankful that He did.

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Love and Respect Testimony

This in an wonderful video testimony by a couple who used the principles from the book Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs to restore their marriage.

One thing that touched me is when the husband shared that even though he was making plans to move out and separate from his wife, he got to a point where he just determined that his marriage was worth saving and he was going to pursue that instead.

I Prayed for God to Heal My Marriage

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The Most Important Command Is To Love

When you are in a bad spot in your marriage, or even separated, it is easy to get into all sorts of thinking about such things as: “Does God allow divorce in my situation?” It is possible to read alot of solid Christian commentators who make different conclusions about when divorce is okay biblically. You can study and cross reference scriptures for hours and still not be clear.

There are alot of other biblical issues that are very heavily debated by mature, trained scholars and some of those issues don’t have real clear answers. For example in just one of those issues you can get into pages and pages of debate on the meanings of the Greek and Hebrew words.

There is a time and place for such study and debate but sometimes when everyday life is a mess and I am confused about what God really wants in a given situation I like to go back to basics of what is pretty clear in the Bible.

I think Jesus made it quite clear when asked about the greatest command and he answered: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ ; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Mark 12:29-31 NIV). In case we aren’t sure who our neighbor is Jesus gave the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37).

If you are in a highly conflicted marriage and start wondering if you have to love your spouse just ask yourself if on judgment day Jesus will buy into your argument that your spouse is not your neighbor. In modern America most likely you willingly said “yes” or “I do” to your spouse on your wedding day. If an outcast Samaritan was commended by Jesus for taking care of a total stranger alongside the road and the priest and Pharisee were condemned for not caring for the same stranger, my guess is he won’t be pleased if we treat our estranged spouse in bad ways – a spouse that we with freewill pledged to “love till death do us part”.

[Note from Sharon: When Richard and I were separated, I was convicted one night while praying that even if I didn’t like Richard and wanted a divorce the least I could do is love him like a Christian brother because that is what he is to me and that is what Christ calls us to do. And how are we to love our Christian brothers and sisters or anyone for that matter? With love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.  So with God’s help every minute of the day, that’s what I tried to do.]

Just in case you think that you don’t have any loving feelings for your spouse any more read 1st Corinthians 13 for the Apostle Paul’s description of love inspired by the Holy Spirit. The wonderful thing is that at the end he promises that love never fails.

It is amazing to think that love never fails. Everything else around us fails at some point or another. I don’t take it to mean that there is a 100 % guarantee that if you perfectly love your spouse your marriage will be restored, but I do believe that if you consistently love through the power of the Holy Spirit, good things will happen in your life.

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Testimony

This past Sunday we were invited to share our testimony and teach a PAIRS tool during the sermon time for the Westside Christian Community Church in Springfield, Ohio. It has been a while since we have taken 15 minutes to publicly share our testimony of Jesus reconciling our marriage and it reminded us that in Revelation 12:11 it says, “They overcame  him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.” Testimony is so powerful for hearers to give them hope, but also for speakers because it reminds us the power of  Jesus in our lives, which is so often easy to forget in the normal everyday living of life.

One thing that was touching was that some of our friends who had walked through the dark days with Sharon and me, and who often were probably at a loss as to how to help us, were there to hear us speak. It reminded me of how much power is in a loving, listening friend when everything looks dark.

I was encouraged during our separation hearing the testimonies of others who had survived marital crises. Some I heard in person and some I read about but have actually met the people in person since we reconciled.

If you are in a dark place and are needing hope please browse this website because there are various links to ministries which have been birthed out of marriage reconciliations after some very dark days.

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