Here are some stories from people who have watched the movie Fireproof or done some of “The Love Dare.” Some of these stories are wonderful testimonies, some are very sad, and some are still unfolding. As I read these and other marriage stories I feel sad that there are so many struggling marriages. I am encouraged to hear some inspiring testimonies.
If you are separated from your spouse now, especially against your wishes, I am sorry. Please see my prior post about compassion for the separated.
However, I feel compelled to give you some warnings and some wake up calls.
For a moment think of how you act or maybe have reacted in an emergency – maybe you come on a car accident, or one of your children or someone you know is hurt. At first, you feel really sorry for the other person, or afraid, or maybe even you are a little paralyzed as to what to do. After a few moments you realize – for this person’s sake – I have got to get myself together and make some quick decisions, going with the best I know, and doing the best I can, right now.
Well, if you are separated from your spouse, your marriage is in emergency mode. If you went to a first responder’s class to know how to deal with emergencies, someone who has much more experience would teach you some keys to how to most effectively respond in an emergency, and then when you do find yourself with an emergency you recall what they said and make adjustments the best you know how.
First of all you are in a spiritual battle. The apostle Paul reminds us that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers and spiritual wickedness in high places and the weapons of our warfare are not of this world, but divinely powerful for demolishing strongholds. With that said – prayer, fasting, and digging into God’s Word, has to be your number one priority. There are multiple resources on this website if you need help.
If you have a struggle with out-of-control anger, get help immediately. Depending on what state you are in, any hint of domestic violence, and sometimes even a false accusation of it, can get legal wheels turning in a hurry and drastically – so take this seriously if there is any hint that there is a problem.
If you want your marriage restored it has to be a top priority – marriage reconciliation does not work when it is added onto an already too full schedule. This may mean a drastic change in work commitments, ministry commitments, how you spend free time, etc. Be aware that a lot of people may not understand your changes, but this is your marriage, your life, your future – they don’t have to live with the consequences day and night for the rest of their lives – you do.
The sooner you can get to a 100% conviction to do all you can to save your marriage, regardless of your spouse’s attitude about your marriage, the sooner your marriage is likely to heal and the less likely you are to divorce. I cannot get you to that point but hopefully on this blog you will find inspiration to move along with the help of the Holy Spirit.
I encourage you to reach out for help – to pastors, counselors, or friends. If one person or group of people doesn’t know how to help or support you – look for another. If people you reach out to have an indifferent attitude towards your desire for a reconciled marriage, look for others who will encourage you.
In the realm of finances I would be cautious about making huge changes, unless someone is totally irresponsible with money. One question to ask yourself: If we reconcile, what would our financial structure look like? and then make adjustments in line with the assumption that you will reconcile.
This is probably going to be a hard road for awhile. I am sorry, but deep deep down, maybe even as never before, you will need to decide if your marriage is worth fighting for with all that you have. I hope you do make that decision.
If you are separated from your spouse now, either physically or emotionally, I am so sorry. I was separated for 16 months from my wife at her request, before we reconciled. I know this is probably a time for you with a lot of complex emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, regret.
One helpful illustration I saw in a Divorce Care video was a picture of a music equalizer. During normal marriage our energy ebbs and flows between our physical life, emotional life, and spiritual life, but during a separation or divorce, our energy going into the emotions spikes to the top of the chart.
That may be how you feel now. You may be feeling hopeless also, especially if this is a separation that you don’t want.
I hope you find lots of encouragement at this blog both from parts of our testimony and from other resources.
If you are a Christian, I remind you that the Holy Spirit is your Comforter.
This article by K. Jason Krafsky http://marriagejunkie.com/2009/04/30/churches-effectively-promote-premarital-ministry-on-your-website/ is meant to showcase effective ways to market a church’s marriage ministry.
The article had an added bonus for me in that it showcased the high value that some churches are putting on marriages.
Some common features of these premarital programs are:
1. A premarital inventory such as FOCCUS or Prepare.
2. Premarital counseling or mentoring.
3. Signing a purity pledge where you don’t sleep together or live together until marriage.
4. Requiring both partners to be Christians.
5. Recommending 4 to 10 months of preparation before marriage.
I am encouraged that some churches are really upholding a high standard for marriage in their church.
Good teaching from Beth Moore about how to love, which can be applied to a spouse that is not very lovable right now.
Thankfully, my wife and I didn’t have to deal with an affair. I know many people do, so I wanted to post this story of a marriage healed from adultery.
See more info about recovering from affairs at http://www.beyondaffairs.com/.
I wish I could say things as succinctly as Josh McDowell sometimes does. I really liked this post on his Facebook.
Divorce—It’s Never Over
Last time I said that I believe that divorce has a greater negative impact on a child than the death of a parent. To continue, a second reason I think it is more difficult to lose a parent through divorce than through death is the lack of finality. When a parent dies, it is painful, but the child eventually realizes Mom or Dad is gone and experiences a measure of closure. After a period of mourning, he goes on with his life.But there is no finality with divorce. It isn’t over in the lives of the kids when the papers are signed. There is no mourning period after which he picks up the pieces, goes on with his life, and begins the healing process. The reality of divorce is that it returns every holiday, every summer vacation, and—for many youngsters—every weekend. The pain of separation goes on and on. Christmas with Mom, New Year’s with Dad, Easter dinner at Dad’s house, Thanksgiving dinner at Mom’s, spring break with one parent and summer vacation with the other. There’s no end to it.
If you have a Facebook account you can read his post and comments at the link below.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/note.php?note_id=76360121497
stubborn-pursuits.com 