I was thinking about how ironic it is that many couples will spend enormous amounts of their money or their parents’ money on a wedding ceremony. When they want to get divorced they will spend whatever it takes to get out of the marriage, but couples will spend so little on maintaining or healing the marriage.

So often, they will grumble about spending money on counseling, or going to a marriage weekend retreat, but their own hobbies can often consume a lot of money. Why is it that it’s so hard to convince couples of the benefits of spending money to build or save their marriage, before they spend even more tearing themselves apart legally?

I just received a copy of Marriage on the Mend by Clint and Penny Bragg, marriage missionaries. I have read a couple of chapters, and it looks like a great resource for those who have decided to reconcile their relationship, or for those who want to grow their marriage to new levels so they never go through a terrible time of struggle. They share their story, resources, exercises, and other testimonies of healed marriages as an encouragement for couples to stay together and work things out.

Clint and Penny were married, then divorced, but after 11 years and 3000 miles of being apart, through a miracle from God, they reconciled. I know them personally and they have a passion for seeing marriages healed.

For more on the book see Marriage on the Mend.
For more information about their ministry see Inverse Ministries.

One thing I have noticed in my own reconciliation and in struggling marriages is that people get to a fork in the road where they have to decide – am I going to proceed in life under the assumption that I am married and will continue to be married even when it doesn’t look good, or am I going to proceed assuming that I probably won’t be married, but hoping that maybe we will reconcile?

Actions that indicate you are on the road to staying married, in spite of appearances otherwise, are things such as:

• You continue to allow your spouse access to your accounts
• You continue to reach out to your spouse
• If you have been paying certain expenses, you continue that or increase it
• You refuse to date others
• You keep your wedding ring on
• Continuing to send small notes, cards, gifts to your spouse even if they are rejected

Actions that indicate that you are assuming you are getting divorced, maybe even as you are saying you really want to reconcile, are things such as:

• Dating others
• Restricting bank accounts
• Cutting back on what you are providing to your spouse
• Taking off your wedding ring
• Eliminating notes, cards, gifts etc. to your spouse

I remember a Scripture in the Old Testament when Joshua was addressing Israel and God said, “Today I set before you death and life, chose life.” Even if your marriage looks dead, remember God is in the business of resurrection – He raised Christ from the grave.

As I have listened to and read stories of marriage reconciliations one common theme has been that at some point in time, one partner or the other put their foot down even when things looked hopeless and said “No Divorce!”.

In my case when my wife wanted a dissolution, I calmly told her that Jesus had said “Let no man put asunder what God has joined together”. So for me to sign a dissolution would be to participate in ending my marriage and I could not in good conscience do that.

An incident that probably cemented my commitment was when I walked outside of our home and in a booming voice said something like “Spirit of divorce, in the name of Jesus, be gone.”

I can give testimony and can point to other testimonies, but at least one person in a struggling marriage has to somehow get to that bottom line determination to fight for their marriage with all they have and that is often when things look hopeless. It is not something I can teach anyone, they have to wrestle it out with God until they get there in their own unique way.

Rejoice Ministries is one of the best resources for inspiration and practical advice for those prepared to stand for their marriage with all they have. Another good resource is Divorce Busting with Michelle Weiner-Davis.

I often hear people mention how it seems there are a lot of divorces in their church, community, and families. When you think about it there probably are. Depending on what group you are looking at and how the group is being measured, a divorce rate in the ball park of 50% is not uncommon. If half the people in a church or in a family got cancer, had a heart attack, or were killed, it would seem overwhelming and you would try to do anything in your power to prevent it. Even though divorce is not quite as dramatic as people dying it is still very devastating. My hope is to be involved one marriage at a time in turning the tide.

I just came across a new resource that looked great called Hope for Marriages. It is by a married couple named Scruggs who were married 10 years, divorced seven years because of her affair, and are now remarried. They also have a book out “I Do Again.” I am always so encouraged when I find stories like this.

I don’t remember where I heard it but someone recently said “It is easier to act your way into a feeling, than to feel your way into acting.” I think this is quite profound.

On a practical level maybe there is something that you know you should do for your spouse, child, or neighbor, and yet you just don’t feel like it. If you make a choice to do whatever the action is, often times you will start to feel positive about them. If you just wait for a feeling to hit you before you do anything you may wait a long time and miss out on the joy God has for you.

Reminds me of God’s conversation with Cain in Genesis 4:6-7, “Then the LORD said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.'”

I think as married people we often believe that loving our spouse is either so hard we don’t know how to do it or something nebulous or beyond us. The nice thing about “The Love Dare” is that it shows us what love looks like in action, and it can be very simple things, although some can be hard to decide to do.

Some of the simple things are “Do one unexpected kindness for your spouse” or “Buy something unexpected for your spouse”. A little harder is “To resolve to say nothing negative to your spouse.”

Hopefully, I will make a habit of so many more of these actions.

One reference I would love to have is of an attorney or attorneys who are using the law in a thoughtful way to give as much chance as possible for a marriage to reconcile. I know when it looked like my wife was going to get a divorce I was thinking about such things, although I never hired a divorce attorney.

I know in Ohio there is a little used provision where one party can request the judge to order marriage counseling. It is somewhat up to the judge’s discretion. I know that in California some people have been court ordered to go through “Reconciling God’s Way”.

One simple thing in most states is that even if a person is sued for divorce they have time, such as 30 days, to respond to the court. Just making your response filing towards the end of the filing period can slow things down. I am sure that there are many other legal and ethical techniques that can be used to help the partner who is in a rush to get out of the marriage to think twice.

Many people will probably dismiss such things as a waste of time and say, “Why try?” when eventually the person will get their divorce. My thought is that if you really believe that God hates divorce and that Jesus said, “Let no man put asunder what God has joined together” and “All things are possible with God”- then why not try?

Beware of the Dog House

Go ahead and watch this 4min+ clip, Beware of the Dog House. No explanation needed, unless you have a perfect marriage, or are so young and in love that you wear rose-colored glasses.

It’s funny… that is, unless you are in it.