Divorce Care is a 13-week DVD-driven Christian support group for those struggling with separation and divorce.

After my wife announced she was getting a divorce I became very depressed. Eventually God led me to Divorce Care. The weekly format is a video about a key subject area related to separation and divorce. Some of the subjects are anger, depression, kids, finances, reconciliation, and more. On the DVD, experts such as Larry Burkett (finances) or Norm Wright (psychology) will discuss that week’s topic from a professional perspective. Then people who have gone through separation or divorce will share their struggles and insights from their life experience about that topic.

After the DVD is over there is a group discussion and participants share their own personal situations. They are free to decide how much they want to share with the group. The group time is also to encourage one another.

I started in one local Divorce Care group but after the first week the moderator indicated that a couple of participants I knew had concerns about me being in the group. I thought it was because they were afraid that I might not hold confidence since it was a small town. Eventually, I learned that one of the ladies really just wanted my wife to know that she and I were in the group together to keep everything above board. Since there did seem to be some concern about the situation I opted to check out other groups. As it turned out I started attending three groups in different towns. Even though the videos were the same, I connected in a special way with each group so I continued going to all three.

Divorce Care was a huge help to me in pulling out of a downward spiral of depression. I realized that other people were having some of the same struggles I was. I heard of situations far worse than my own. One thing that was extremely helpful to me was hearing what the women had to say. Sometimes I could hear them voice some of the same complaints about their husbands that my wife had shared about me, but for some reason I was able to finally grasp what they, and thus my wife, were saying.

One disappointing thing to me was that some groups weren’t very enthused about running the reconciliation tape. In fact, one group lost that video and hadn’t replaced it because they saw so few reconciliations. Thankfully they accommodated me and replaced the video and then got to witness my reconciliation.

I highly recommend Divorce Care to people who are separated or divorced. You can go to their website and type in your zip code to find groups near you. If confidentiality is a huge concern for you don’t be afraid to drive a little distance. The groups meet at different times/days and each has their own flavor. If you need to, try a couple of different ones until you find one you feel at home.

One other thing – Divorce Care is structured so you can join in at any of the 13 weeks. So, if you are in a crisis you don’t have to wait for the next group to start.

In an earlier post I shared personally why I am convinced from my own life experience that there truly is something special in marriage that Jesus referred to as “becoming one flesh.”

In this post, I want to share some observations I have made of other situations.

During our separation I participated in three different Divorce Care groups. These are small groups of people who are separated or divorced. The format is to watch a video about issues surrounding separation and divorce, and then to discuss as a group the video plus our own personal experiences. (Since our reconciliation I have facilitated several Divorce Care groups.)

From this vantage point I made several observations that convince me even more strongly that the “one flesh” bond is very real. I have observed a man being crushed emotionally after his wife wanted out of a very short (less than one year) marriage with no kids. I have seen a woman who had been divorced several years in what she called a “good divorce” (i.e. no kids, they still saw one another, and no major “war” between them) still struggling after several years.

I have observed a woman separated from a long term live-in going through the same struggles as those who have been married and then separated or divorced. I have watched men whose wives had affairs, and women whose husbands had affairs, be rattled to the core. I have talked to a woman who divorced years ago because her husband was having affairs, still wishing that, for her son’s sake, she would have tried even harder to save her marriage.

There really does seem to be something very special about this bond.

Part of my perplexed mindset now is how to get spouses who want their marriage to work even when their spouse wants out to keep holding on. And, how to encourage spouses who think getting out is such a great thing, to slow down and continue to try.

Jesus words “Let no man put asunder what God has joined together” helped me to stay firm in my commitment to marriage, even when my wife had made it quite clear that she was done, that she was planning to divorce me, and that she no longer wanted to try to reconcile our marriage.

She did ask me to agree to a dissolution of our marriage. I firmly, but politely, refused. My legal understanding of a dissolution is that you and your spouse jointly agree on all the issues of dissolution as far as finances, child custody, etc., and then you ask a judge to terminate your marriage. To me, to go through that process, would be for me to be a part of “putting asunder what God had joined together.”

So, the only option my wife was left with was to file for divorce, which is a lawsuit where one party asks the judge to terminate the marriage. Under no-fault divorce laws a spouse can eventually get a divorce.

Thankfully, she never took action to file for divorce. I am glad I did say no to the dissolution, even though it would have been seemingly the easier, cheaper way out at the time. I didn’t think it was the godly way to go about ending our marriage when He had made it so clear that He hates divorce and that He doesn’t want us putting our marriages asunder.

It seems to me that Jesus very closely linked his command, “Let no man put asunder what God has joined together” with His statement “The two shall become one flesh”.

(See prior post about “One Flesh”)

As I read the Scriptures today about marriage and divorce from Genesis through Revelation, one thing that stood out over and over was the concept of “one flesh”. God mentioned it in Genesis as part of the creation story, it was referred to in Malachi as part of why God hates divorce, and Jesus referred to it in Matthew and Mark. I remembered that Paul referred to the concept of “one flesh” as a reason not to go to a prostitute because you would be “joined” to her.

At this time, I don’t have an exegetical study on this concept, but from my experience of being separated for 16 months from my wife, I became more convinced that there truly is something special about the “one flesh” bond between a husband and wife. During our separation, and especially after my wife’s announcement of her plans for divorce, something just snapped inside of me. There was a bond between us so deep that just the thought of not having her in my life totally unglued me. Even when I tried to put her out of my mind, it was next to impossible. Everything seemed to remind me of her.

She paid the majority of our bills during our marriage. I still remember sitting in my office one day and looked at her signature on a check and started crying. During that time I stayed in our RV parked in our farm shop about 100 yards from our house. The night she told me she was getting a divorce, I blew up in a rage and left for a couple of days.

Shortly after I came back our kids went on a mission trip. My wife and I were barely speaking other than with a counselor or a mediator present, but while the kids were gone, I was still thankful that in spite of our estrangement, we were still staying in close proximity on the same property. I knew deep in my heart that there was a very real bond between us, and I had a strange sense of peace that is next to impossible to describe.

As I have participated over time in various Divorce Care and other groups where people have openly shared about separation and divorce, I have become more convinced than ever that whatever this “one flesh” bond is, it is very real and very powerful. The reality of that bond is why I think separation and divorce are so devastating to people. That is probably why God says “I hate divorce.”

I think this bond is sort of like gravity. It is not something we can taste, touch, see, hear, or smell, but we know from experience it is as real as the chair we sit upon.

Just a short note about my scriptural background. I have not been formally trained as a theologian. I took a few courses in college taught by a pastor including Old Testament Survey, New Testament Survey and Wisdom literature. I started studying the Bible as a teenager and I am now 50 years old. I have gone through various levels of intense study and reading of Scripture to times of doing none at all.

Some people who have highly influenced my knowledge of the Bible have been Beth Moore (http://www.lproof.org/), Jay Adams in “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible”, John Piper (http://www.cbwm.com/ and http://www.desiringgod.com/), David Reagan (http://www.lambandlion.com/) and Grant Edwards (http://www.fellowshipchristian.org).

I am a layman who has taken some time to study and think about the Scriptures, but who is still developing in his understanding.

One of many struggles that I had during my separation from my wife was finding hope that our marriage could turn around. Part of the struggle was that at first glance, most of the couples I knew in our church that had separated, had eventually divorced.

Fortunately, over time with God’s help, I did find some in our congregation that I knew who had been separated or at least in a major marital crisis and had recovered. That was hugely encouraging.

Other places I found huge hope was the Reconciliation lesson that was part of Divorce Care and The Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce series. Both of them had some awesome testimonies of marriages recovering from things such as adultery, domestic violence, etc.

I didn’t know about them at the time, but the Braggs at Inverse Ministries have a testimony of being separated by 11 years and 3000 miles. I think a video of their testimony is on their website and I have heard them in person and it is awesome.

Rejoice Ministries has an awesome testimony of Bob and Charlyne. They actually got divorced because of his affairs and then his wife was convicted by God to pray and fast for him, and they have been back together for years now. They have other testimonies on their website.

Joe and Michelle Williams with Reconciling God’s Way were married multiple times before each other then went through a separation of their own as Christians. Out of that trial they wrote the study “Reconciling God’s Way” [now Marriage 911] which is designed to be used if even only one spouse wants to save the marriage.

All of these resources are listed on our Links section of this blog.

Sometimes maybe it seems I have too much confidence in resources to save marriages. I realize the real confidence is that when at least one party is willing to try, Jesus can save seemingly impossible marriages. Many of the resources I share directly point people to Jesus and His principles.

Even some resources that are not overtly Christian often share a lot of Christian principles. Dr. Phil, from my memory of reading his work, quietly talks about his faith and where he goes to church. Many secular resources now are talking about the benefits of such Christian concepts as forgiveness.

Sometimes in my own crisis situation I backed off on resources specifically geared towards saving marriages, and moved more toward ones that grew my relationship with Jesus, such as Believing God by Beth Moore. One of the things that I was believing God for was the healing of my marriage, but in that study I also learned a whole lot about Jesus and His Word that has application for all of life.

It is amazing when you think about it that as important as marriage is to God and how thick the Bible is, how short the Scriptures are that specifically talk about marriage and divorce. I think this is because He shares all over the scriptures about how to have good relationships. So, if we apply those relationship principles to marriage, we will have a good marriage.

After we got back together I was so thankful for what Jesus had done for us, especially when I just kept saying no to a dissolution. In spite of much pressure to give up get a dissolution, I really wanted to share and help others.

I am discouraged right now because it seems so few really are interested in going to the wall for their marriages. I feel like I really don’t know how to inspire others.

After much of the training we have done the past few years, I have tried to follow up with people to see if they are implementing what we taught. More often than not the answer is “no”. Often they are stuck in the same place or they are worse.

I don’t know how to inspire many of them to really keep trying in their marriages.