Aurora Heroes

We read alot about chivalry being dead. It wasn’t long ago I read an article comparing the men who sacrificed themselves for the woman on the Titanic compared to some more modern disaster.

This weekend it is so encouraging to read about three men who shielded women from death in the Aurora shootings. Obviously, I hope that I never face such a situation however, my hope is that if I do that in an instant I would make the right decision to do the same.

Matt McQuinn’s mother graduated from Sharon’s high school and the Yowler girl is a relative of friends of ours. It is amazing how at one showing in one theatre of a multiplex in Colorado there can be connections all across the country.

Our thoughts and prayers are with all of those touched so closely by this tragedy.

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Random vs. Sequential Thinking

Over the years Sharon and I have taken many different personality assessments that help each person understand their own strengths and weaknesses. The idea, which I think is very valid, is that as you learn to understand your partner’s natural strengths and weaknesses you can better love them as they are and not be so focused on changing them. You also realize that every quirk that they have that irritates you isn’t something they are consciously doing to make your life miserable.

After many years of marriage, during mutual counseling with Sharon, our therapist pointed out that I am a random thinker/processor and Sharon is a sequential thinker/processor. This one simple concept helped us both to understand and accept one another better – in some ways more than the detailed personality assessments.

A sequential thinker/processor likes order to their life. Sharon likes the calendar up-to-date, the check book balanced, the pots and pans in order in the kitchen, and if she has a problem she is trying to solve she is likely to think through it very logically to come to a conclusion. Although she multi-tasks physically very well – like talking on the phone and putting the dishes away at the same time – she doesn’t typically do a lot of deep thinking during multi-tasking.

I, on the other hand, am very random in my thinking and processing. I may be working on finances then check email and read a blog post, and be thinking about what I can write in a blog post. I can be driving a tractor – and get so lost in solving some big problem that I forget to watch what I am doing. If I am not careful I can get lost in thought while driving down the highway with all of you – and not be paying close enough attention to the road. At least with a tractor I might just knock down a fence or something. I do try to stay focused on the road, but I do struggle sometimes.

My calendar used to be a Post-it© note in my pocket or on my desk with 100 other notes, some of which had phone numbers but no names.

When I unload the dishwasher I can slow down and study the kitchen but really struggle to figure out which skillet goes where or which drawer the potato peeler goes in – even though they have gone the same place for years. I am sometimes baffled where something goes but I usually get the everyday forks and knives right. Whatever things are left that I am not confident of where they go I leave on the counter. Sharon appreciates me having 80% unloaded than none unloaded or 20% put away randomly that she can’t find when she needs it.

Since I have been around farming all of my life I am used to the weather being a huge determinant to the day’s work. I can have all the plans I want as to what will happen in the field, but one rain will change all of that. So I have learned to be very flexible that way. Sharon on the other hand had two parents who worked 40-hour per week jobs, so she was used to the schedule being very predictable – almost set in stone.

Here are some practical adjustments that we have made that make life easier between the two of us.

If we are in the car together, especially if I am in thinking mode on some issue, or farming out the window watching my neighbor’s fields, Sharon drives. Pretty much whenever we’re together Sharon drives, because I’m in that mode almost all the time.

I don’t have lots of appointments, so when I get one I e-mail her and she puts it in our master calendar on the desktop computer which then syncs to both of our phones. Even though it is technologically possible for me to enter an appointment in my phone and have it sync back to her desk top, my notes are so cryptic it would drive her nuts to figure out what I mean, so she just puts it in the way she prefers and we are both happy because we know what is happening with each of us.

Early on in our marriage Sharon learned to adapt with the weather. If she had plans with friends or family and she really wanted to go – she just committed herself and left me as a maybe at the last minute. If I can join her I do, and if not, she realizes that whatever I am doing probably means money in the bank account sooner or later.

After reading some of the adjustments we have made to accommodate our personality differences what are some you might be able to make in your own relationship to make life go smoother with your spouse?

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A Stupendous Lesson from Running

About half way down this blog post is a great article that gives a wonderful word picture of lessons to be learned from running that can be applied to your marriage.

It always amazes me how often people will stick with their goals in sports or business in spite of the pain, and yet so quickly give up on their goal of a great marriage because they encounter some challenges along the way.

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Divorce Is A Choice (Article)

This is an excellent article from Love and Respect Now where a young lady who had witnessed multiple divorces in her family has chosen a different path.

I am so proud of my wife because she also chose a different path than she had witnessed in her family because she wanted to leave a better legacy for our children.

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Changing Your Marriage Alone: One Flesh Marriage Testimony

A wonderful blog that I follow at One Flesh Marriage just had a series that gave testimony about how Kate inspired incredible change in her marriage, even when her husband Brad wasn’t on board yet.

Here are the posts. Be sure to watch and see if they add any more to this series at a later time. At various places in this series they link to “Our Story” which tells more of their awesome journey.

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2012/06/journey-alone.html

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2012/07/4-guides-road-from-alone-together.html

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2012/07/what-changed.html

Also see the post I just did about this same topic of changing your marriage by yourself.

One of the fundamentals in basketball is dribbling the ball. If you don’t know how to dribble the ball, you never will make a great basketball player.

I know I am hitting on this theme of changing your marriage by yourself again, but I truly believe that to have the best chance of reconciling a struggling marriage, one partner or the other has to grasp the concept and start living it out.

Sometimes most of us struggle to learn something from one teacher, but another teacher teaches us the same concept and we get it right away. That is why I keep linking to many people who are sharing the same theme in different ways.

Will you be the one to go home and make a positive change on your own that can ultimately lead to a marriage better than you have imagined possible?

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Judge Lectures Divorcing Parents

I wish every set of divorcing parents would listen to what this judge has to say.

A Judge Talks to Divorcing Parents

Written on October 19, 2007 by 

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

Judge Michael Haas

District Court
Minnesota

To see the full post, click here.

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Francis Chan on Marriage

Sometimes out of curiosity I look at the statistics page for this blog to see what Google search terms have brought people here. One of the most common ones has been Francis Chan on Marriage. I decided to search the same phrase myself and found quite a few videos by him about marriage. Here’s the one I watched.

One of his points is that if a couple gets involved in ministry for God for a purpose bigger than their marriage they can draw closer to each other. We found that to be true when we reconciled – we became more involved in helping other couples.

We encourage pre-married or struggling couples to start looking for ministry opportunities that they can do that give them a bigger vision in  life than just a happy marriage. This is not to say that you should pour all of your energies into ministry and ignore your marriage struggles, but if you truly realize that God is using you as team, it inspires you to find healing for your own marriage.

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Changing Your Marriage by Yourself

If you are in a crisis marriage it is so easy to think that there is nothing you can do if you partner won’t cooperate. One of the first principles to understand is that if you change yourself in a marriage, your marriage changes because the sum total of your marriage is the two of you. Here is the same principle expressed by different people.

Paul and Lori Byerly discuss here how choosing to be generous can change your marriage.

Michelle Weiner Davis who has many hours of counseling couples has this great video about changing your marriage by yourself.

Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs remarried after her affair and their divorce. It took approximately seven years for Jeff to forgive Cheryl enough to remarry her, even though with God’s help she had turned her life around pretty quickly after the divorce. She had to continue to love him even when he was unwilling for a long time to reconcile. Here is their inspiring story.

Emerson Eggerichs in his book Love and Respect unpacks God’s command in Ephesians 5:33 for men to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Bottom line is that if you start doing what God commands you to do as a husband or wife you can help get your marriage unstuck.

Once you are truly convinced that you can change your marriage by yourself the doors blow wide open to get your marriage off dead center. It may take time but your marriage can truly be different.

My observation is that until one partner or the other truly becomes convinced that they can make a difference in their marriage there is not much we can do for the marriage except be a listening ear and help pick up the pieces. But typically, the marriage doesn’t get better.

I’ve learned in almost all couples that go from a very bad spot in their marriage to a good or great marriage, one partner or the other became absolutely convinced that with God’s help they could make a difference in their marriage and that they were not going to give up until their marriage was healed.

Will you be that partner that stands in the gap for your marriage, and with God’s help does all you can to change yourself, and your actions and reactions in your marriage? Will you keep doing those things until your marriage is healed?

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Happy 236th Birthday, United States of America!

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

New Hampshire:
Josiah BartlettWilliam WhippleMatthew Thornton

Massachusetts:
John HancockSamuel AdamsJohn AdamsRobert Treat PaineElbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen HopkinsWilliam Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger ShermanSamuel HuntingtonWilliam WilliamsOliver Wolcott

New York:
William FloydPhilip LivingstonFrancis LewisLewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard StocktonJohn WitherspoonFrancis HopkinsonJohn HartAbraham Clark

Pennsylvania:
Robert MorrisBenjamin RushBenjamin FranklinJohn MortonGeorge ClymerJames SmithGeorge TaylorJames WilsonGeorge Ross

Delaware:
Caesar RodneyGeorge ReadThomas McKean

Maryland:
Samuel ChaseWilliam PacaThomas StoneCharles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George WytheRichard Henry LeeThomas JeffersonBenjamin HarrisonThomas Nelson, Jr.Francis Lightfoot LeeCarter Braxton

North Carolina:
William HooperJoseph HewesJohn Penn

South Carolina:
Edward RutledgeThomas Heyward, Jr.Thomas Lynch, Jr.Arthur Middleton

Georgia:
Button GwinnettLyman HallGeorge Walton

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Jay and Laura Laffoon’s Ultimate Date Night Event

We have met Jay and Laura Laffoon in person at some seminars and they are hilarious marriage edutainers that use humor and personal stories to teach marriage principles.

We are helping to sponsor one of their Ultimate Date Night events along with the Marriage Resource Center of Miami Valley. If you are near Dayton, Ohio, you can see them on September 21, 2012. To register click here. See a preview of the Ultimate Date Night scroll down on the registration page.

To find out where else Laffoons will be click here. They also do Jay & Laura TV that can be pretty entertaining and informative.

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