Some Thoughts About This Blog

I (Richard) first conceived of this blog/website as a place for someone in a crisis marriage to go and to find lots of resources to help them quickly and to give them hope from our own story.

So often I have conversations in person, by phone, or email with people who have just found out their spouse wants out of the marriage.  They are in a panic, and even though I know about lots of resources, it is hard to remember the exact spelling of each website and whether it is a .com, .org or something else.

It is nice to have one place to point a person in crisis where they can spend a little time and have a wealth of information – many of them the same resources that were so helpful to me during our separation. Most of the issues and questions that arise are very similar to things that I faced so it is nice to have a place where some of my thoughts have been articulated.

Another purpose of this blog and website was to have a place for people who know of a crisis marriage to get information and hope. During our separation there were many people who could see Sharon and I were hurting, they wanted to help, but often didn’t really understand what we were facing or where to point us other than counseling.

Counseling is very appropriate and helpful in crisis situations however, you can only cover so much in a one hour appointment. There are many issues that a person in crisis is facing that I hoped to have a place where friends and family can get information to help the person. Also I hope that those friends and relatives can realize from my experience that if their friend or relative facing a crisis seems a little out of sorts or doesn’t act like themselves normally, that is to be expected. Maybe the person reading this on behalf of someone else will better know how to help their friend or relative to get stabilized in their situation.

Sharon and I are also involved with marriage education for pre-marrieds or for those just wanting to enrich their marriage, so I hope some of our articles about building a good marriage are helpful. I also hope we are honest enough about our own current ups and downs in marriage that the average couple will realize they are normal and their marriage isn’t over if they have some bumps in their own relationship. We usually help pre-marital couples or newlyweds take off the rose-colored glasses a bit when it comes to marriage and have a little reality check, without bursting their “bubbles” about marriage.

Beyond all of the above sometimes it is just nice to share some thoughts, experiences or articles that happen to appeal to us that we think might appeal to others.  Whatever drew you here, we sincerely pray that you are helped by our resources and encouraged by our testimony.

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Israel: The Garden Tomb

Here is a video I made where I shared my reflections from visiting The Garden Tomb in Israel. This is the tomb that is believed where Jesus was laid after His crucifixion and where he rose from the dead on the third day.

The Garden Tomb

Outside of Garden Tomb

Inside of Tomb – Jesus was probably placed on the left because the niche on the right was not finished

Right side inside the tomb

Olive press in the Garden

Entrance to the Tomb

Garden Tomb

Golgotha – The Place of the Skull

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Our Israel Trip

In late February 2012 Sharon and I had the privileged to go to Israel for the first time. We traveled with a group from Fellowship Christian Church, our home church in Ohio. I have been wanting to blog about this since we got back but got wrapped up in farming, so now that we’ve slowed down I am going to write some of my reflections. This post will be an overview of Israel and then I will write more posts with thoughts on some of the various places we visited.

As an American one of the first things I noticed was how small Israel is. It is slightly bigger than New Jersey, and I have read that it would fit eight times inside Florida. This shows how tiny Israel is compared to the United States.

Israeli soldier in Jerusalem

Another thing I noticed was just how much of a military presence there was. There were Israeli military walking around with machine guns all over the place. I realized that in America I don’t wake up in the morning wondering if the Mexicans or Canadians are going to send tanks over the border to attack us, but that Israel has to be on guard every day with some of the neighbors surrounding them.

Looking into Syria from atop the Golan Heights

On the northern border of Israel on top of the Golan Heights we were only 30-40 miles from Damascus,  Syria. The Syrians are sworn enemies of Israel.

Town ruins and the Synagogue – Capernaum

It is truly remarkable how ancient the history is in Israel. I happen to live in a house built in the 1850’s and when we have visitors they marvel at that fact.  In Israel there are lots of ruins and buildings that predate the time of Christ. America has had people of European ancestry here only about 400 years, so even our oldest cities and historical sites like Williamsburg or Jamestown, Virginia, are extremely young compared to Israel.

Another thing I came to understand was how geographically important Israel is. It was right on the strip of land that was the mainland passageway from the ancient civilization of Egypt to the ancient civilizations of Persia and the Romans. Because of the vast Judean desert to the east and the Mediterranean to the west, if you were going to march an army between these various civilizations you had to go right through the land of Israel on the ancient King’s Highway or the Via Maris. You would have to march through some fairly narrow passes in the mountains so it’s easy to see how whoever controlled the pass really controlled the movement of troops and goods throughout the region.

The Jewish Quarter

Market in the Arab Quarter

I have lived in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area so I have been exposed to living with many different cultural groups from around the world. Israel is even more multi-cultural. Jerusalem is divided into Jewish,  Christian, Muslim and  Armenian Quarters. Each section was a vastly different culture with different foods, architecture, customs and religion.

The Sea of Galilee

The Jordan River

It was amazing to realize that I was in the land where many of the stories of the Bible actually happened. In Israel there are lots of traditions about where certain Biblical events took place, especially the ones talked about in the New Testament. Different groups might have very different traditions about where certain stories happened. Personally, I don’t get too hung up on who is right or who is wrong but I just appreciated the fact that this was the general area that Jesus walked and that other Biblical characters lived. Some things I don’t think there is much dispute about are where the Sea of Galilee and the Jordan River are! The Sea of Galilee is larger than our local watershed lake – Clarence Brown Reservoir – but much smaller than the Great Lakes because I could see across it.

As far as the current geo-political situation, I came away with the realization that it is tremendously complex and far beyond

Ron

my ability to comprehend in a week’s trip. Our guide, Ron, was an Israeli Jewish citizen who had a great understanding of the overall situation. There were places like Bethlehem that he wasn’t allowed to go because it was occupied territories. As we drove along he would point out various countries like Jordan, Syria, and Lebanon and would explain which ones had signed peace treaties and which ones hadn’t and who could travel where and who couldn’t. There were certain lands that were in dispute from the 1967 war, and certain things that happened in the 1973 war. He pointed out a reclusive group of people in Northern Israel who were technically Syrians, weren’t wanted in Syria, but could only travel in Israel to go to the airport in Tel Aviv.

 

 

Coming into Jordan

Jordanian flag flying

Bottom line is that I was confused who could go where and why they could or could not go because there were so many rules about it. So different than in the U.S. where if I have a driver’s license I can drive over 3000 miles coast-to-coast. As long as I obey the traffic laws no one is likely to question me or arrest me.

So in summary, Israel is a very cosmopolitan land with an ancient history and a very complex current situation. Seeing it made the Bible come alive to me in a new way. I look forward to sharing some further posts with you about our trip.

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Aurora Heroes

We read alot about chivalry being dead. It wasn’t long ago I read an article comparing the men who sacrificed themselves for the woman on the Titanic compared to some more modern disaster.

This weekend it is so encouraging to read about three men who shielded women from death in the Aurora shootings. Obviously, I hope that I never face such a situation however, my hope is that if I do that in an instant I would make the right decision to do the same.

Matt McQuinn’s mother graduated from Sharon’s high school and the Yowler girl is a relative of friends of ours. It is amazing how at one showing in one theatre of a multiplex in Colorado there can be connections all across the country.

Our thoughts and prayers are with all of those touched so closely by this tragedy.

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Random vs. Sequential Thinking

Over the years Sharon and I have taken many different personality assessments that help each person understand their own strengths and weaknesses. The idea, which I think is very valid, is that as you learn to understand your partner’s natural strengths and weaknesses you can better love them as they are and not be so focused on changing them. You also realize that every quirk that they have that irritates you isn’t something they are consciously doing to make your life miserable.

After many years of marriage, during mutual counseling with Sharon, our therapist pointed out that I am a random thinker/processor and Sharon is a sequential thinker/processor. This one simple concept helped us both to understand and accept one another better – in some ways more than the detailed personality assessments.

A sequential thinker/processor likes order to their life. Sharon likes the calendar up-to-date, the check book balanced, the pots and pans in order in the kitchen, and if she has a problem she is trying to solve she is likely to think through it very logically to come to a conclusion. Although she multi-tasks physically very well – like talking on the phone and putting the dishes away at the same time – she doesn’t typically do a lot of deep thinking during multi-tasking.

I, on the other hand, am very random in my thinking and processing. I may be working on finances then check email and read a blog post, and be thinking about what I can write in a blog post. I can be driving a tractor – and get so lost in solving some big problem that I forget to watch what I am doing. If I am not careful I can get lost in thought while driving down the highway with all of you – and not be paying close enough attention to the road. At least with a tractor I might just knock down a fence or something. I do try to stay focused on the road, but I do struggle sometimes.

My calendar used to be a Post-it© note in my pocket or on my desk with 100 other notes, some of which had phone numbers but no names.

When I unload the dishwasher I can slow down and study the kitchen but really struggle to figure out which skillet goes where or which drawer the potato peeler goes in – even though they have gone the same place for years. I am sometimes baffled where something goes but I usually get the everyday forks and knives right. Whatever things are left that I am not confident of where they go I leave on the counter. Sharon appreciates me having 80% unloaded than none unloaded or 20% put away randomly that she can’t find when she needs it.

Since I have been around farming all of my life I am used to the weather being a huge determinant to the day’s work. I can have all the plans I want as to what will happen in the field, but one rain will change all of that. So I have learned to be very flexible that way. Sharon on the other hand had two parents who worked 40-hour per week jobs, so she was used to the schedule being very predictable – almost set in stone.

Here are some practical adjustments that we have made that make life easier between the two of us.

If we are in the car together, especially if I am in thinking mode on some issue, or farming out the window watching my neighbor’s fields, Sharon drives. Pretty much whenever we’re together Sharon drives, because I’m in that mode almost all the time.

I don’t have lots of appointments, so when I get one I e-mail her and she puts it in our master calendar on the desktop computer which then syncs to both of our phones. Even though it is technologically possible for me to enter an appointment in my phone and have it sync back to her desk top, my notes are so cryptic it would drive her nuts to figure out what I mean, so she just puts it in the way she prefers and we are both happy because we know what is happening with each of us.

Early on in our marriage Sharon learned to adapt with the weather. If she had plans with friends or family and she really wanted to go – she just committed herself and left me as a maybe at the last minute. If I can join her I do, and if not, she realizes that whatever I am doing probably means money in the bank account sooner or later.

After reading some of the adjustments we have made to accommodate our personality differences what are some you might be able to make in your own relationship to make life go smoother with your spouse?

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A Stupendous Lesson from Running

About half way down this blog post is a great article that gives a wonderful word picture of lessons to be learned from running that can be applied to your marriage.

It always amazes me how often people will stick with their goals in sports or business in spite of the pain, and yet so quickly give up on their goal of a great marriage because they encounter some challenges along the way.

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Divorce Is A Choice (Article)

This is an excellent article from Love and Respect Now where a young lady who had witnessed multiple divorces in her family has chosen a different path.

I am so proud of my wife because she also chose a different path than she had witnessed in her family because she wanted to leave a better legacy for our children.

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Changing Your Marriage Alone: One Flesh Marriage Testimony

A wonderful blog that I follow at One Flesh Marriage just had a series that gave testimony about how Kate inspired incredible change in her marriage, even when her husband Brad wasn’t on board yet.

Here are the posts. Be sure to watch and see if they add any more to this series at a later time. At various places in this series they link to “Our Story” which tells more of their awesome journey.

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2012/06/journey-alone.html

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2012/07/4-guides-road-from-alone-together.html

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2012/07/what-changed.html

Also see the post I just did about this same topic of changing your marriage by yourself.

One of the fundamentals in basketball is dribbling the ball. If you don’t know how to dribble the ball, you never will make a great basketball player.

I know I am hitting on this theme of changing your marriage by yourself again, but I truly believe that to have the best chance of reconciling a struggling marriage, one partner or the other has to grasp the concept and start living it out.

Sometimes most of us struggle to learn something from one teacher, but another teacher teaches us the same concept and we get it right away. That is why I keep linking to many people who are sharing the same theme in different ways.

Will you be the one to go home and make a positive change on your own that can ultimately lead to a marriage better than you have imagined possible?

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Judge Lectures Divorcing Parents

I wish every set of divorcing parents would listen to what this judge has to say.

A Judge Talks to Divorcing Parents

Written on October 19, 2007 by 

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

Judge Michael Haas

District Court
Minnesota

To see the full post, click here.

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Francis Chan on Marriage

Sometimes out of curiosity I look at the statistics page for this blog to see what Google search terms have brought people here. One of the most common ones has been Francis Chan on Marriage. I decided to search the same phrase myself and found quite a few videos by him about marriage. Here’s the one I watched.

One of his points is that if a couple gets involved in ministry for God for a purpose bigger than their marriage they can draw closer to each other. We found that to be true when we reconciled – we became more involved in helping other couples.

We encourage pre-married or struggling couples to start looking for ministry opportunities that they can do that give them a bigger vision in  life than just a happy marriage. This is not to say that you should pour all of your energies into ministry and ignore your marriage struggles, but if you truly realize that God is using you as team, it inspires you to find healing for your own marriage.

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