Secrets to a Long Marriage

Posted on August 1, 2011 by RichWildman

I have mentioned before about a study that had shown a group of couples who were unhappy in their marriages and were resurveyed five years later. The ones who stayed together were happier over all than the ones who divorced.

This article highlights how those in long term marriages weather storms and go on to be in a much better place later in their marriage.

The Secret to a Long Marriage

Most of us have had at least some success in an area of our life – whether that is academics, sports, job, or finances. How many of us got to that level of success without enduring some times of wanting to quit and give up, but we persisted? Why do we think a successful marriage will be different?

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Overcoming the “She’s Done” Crowd

Posted on July 29, 2011 by RichWildman

One of my struggles during our separation were the well meaning people around me who were trying to convince me that “Sharon’s done” or “It’s over” and encouraging me in subtle ways to quietly accept that, give her a dissolution, quit being so depressed, and to move on with my life. My best guess is that they realized I was extremely depressed and distraught, they were concerned for me, and they had seen enough separations to know that most of the time they end in divorce and they didn’t want  me to have false hopes.

I basically just got to a place in my mind and my heart that I decided that this was my life and I had to live with the consequences, and I was going to trust God in spite of the negative signs. I would strive to live one day at a time and I was not giving up. Being stubborn at times in your life can be a negative if you get stubborn over something non-essential, but then other times when something significant is at stake, like your marriage, it is time to just be single-minded or basically, stubborn. I am thankful that with Jesus’ help I hung in there. I was often reminded of the scripture where it says that He set his face to Jerusalem like flint (paraphrased). He knew what His mission was and no one, not even his friends, was going to stop Him.

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Are You Encountering Rapids?

Posted on July 27, 2011 by sewildman

The hubby and I went to breakfast this morning after church. We went to Clifton Mill and were able to watch the water wheel for the mill running and gushing water and the Little Miami River rushing by. Rushing being the definitive word. It rained in the night and we got about three and a half inches so the river was running fast through a somewhat narrow channel on its way to meet the Great Miami River.

The interesting thing was that just before the water came to the mill it was pretty calm though running fast from being rain-swollen. At the mill it encountered a small rapids and the water churned and twisted and splashed and fought its way past the wheel and the mill. It’s a dangerous place. It would not be a place where you would want to be – in or out of a raft. But not 10 feet past it was a calm river once again.

Our lives can be running along at a pretty good clip seemingly calm and normal when we have a big “rain” dump a lot into our lives and then meet some “rapids” very quickly.

The husband who thinks life is good, there are no worries and is shell-shocked when his wife says she’s leaving and wants a divorce.

Rapids.

The wife who finds evidence of her husband’s infidelity.

Rapids.

The parents who get a late night call saying their child is in jail – arrested for alcohol or drug use.

Rapids.

The person who thinks work is great and they are climbing the corporate ladder and all is well, but receives a pink-slip without any hint of its coming.

Rapids.

It happens. More times than we like to acknowledge or even think about. Life is turned upside down and we get beat against the rocks and gulp dirty river water.  We can’t see the calm water ahead; we’re just overwhelmed by the rapids we’re in right now.

If that is where you find yourself know that on the other side of the rapids is a calm place of rest. The rapids will end and you will make it to the other side. I’ve been rafting down the New River in West Virginia where there are level 5 rapids that all you do is hang on and keep paddling. You are at the mercy of the river and the rapids. You trust your raft to get you through and you keep paddling as hard as you can – even when it doesn’t seem like it’s doing anything to help. Don’t quit paddling.

We have strong help in the midst of our rapids. Psalm 46 says that “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.”

God will bring you to the other side of the rapids where the river calms and He continues on your journey with you. He will extend peace to you like that calm river. He will see you through.

The Mill on a calmer day.

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New OWN Show – Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal

Posted on July 26, 2011 by RichWildman

There is a new TV show called “Unfaithful”. The series premier is here http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Unfaithful-Stories-of-Betrayal-Series-Premiere. There are also many clips from other episodes at the same site. The premise of the show is that an actual couple talks about the background of the betrayal while actors act it out. The couple then discusses how they recovered. A professional therapist also makes comments about the situation.

I found the stories to be very realistic as to the depth of pain and the amount of work it takes to recover from affair. The stories also offer a lot of hope for recovering from affairs. One common theme was that before an affair happened there was an emotional disconnect in the marriage. Another common theme was that forgiveness is a major piece of the recovery.

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Saving Your Marriage By Yourself

Posted on July 25, 2011 by RichWildman

So often during our own separation I people told me that I couldn’t save my marriage by myself. I hear the same thing now from people whose spouse wants out and they are teetering on giving up. Okay, I will agree that legally, with no-fault divorce, if a  spouse absolutely wants out of the marriage they can get out of it by waiting enough time and having enough money. However, there is a lot you can do to change the dynamics of your relationship for the positive and dramatically increase your odds of saving your marriage.

The first thing to remember is that with God all things are possible. If you are a Christian in a marriage it is also good to remember that a cord of three strands (you, your partner, and God) is not easily broken. I am going to link to some articles and videos that will give you hope and ideas on how to practically change your marriage for the better by yourself.

Michelle Weiner-Davis gives excellent examples in this clip. I think she is dead on that we know how to push our spouses buttons in an instant to make things go bad, so we need to think about what buttons we can push to make them go well. If she didn’t convince you that you can change a marriage by yourself- listen in that clip, you can hear her say it shorter and more succinctly here.

Charlyne’s husband Bob was having an affair. Her pastors told her to get divorced so she did, and then she became convicted by God that she was to pray and fast for Bob to repent and come home. He eventually did come home, they were remarried, and ministered for over 25 years together before he passed away. You can read their testimony here. If you browse over the website you will find encouragement from their own lives and the lives of others how much change can happen in a marriage when one person seeks God.

Joe and Michelle Williams (Marriage 911 Online) wrote a curriculum called Marriage 911. It encourages a spouse to focus on God and allow Him to change them first and then their marriage.

Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs were happily married for a season but she had an affair and they got divorced. About three months later she repented to God and her husband, but it took three years before he could even look her in the eye because of his anger. It ended up taking a total of seven years for his heart to change enough to forgive her and for them to be remarried. You can hear some of their touching story here.

On this blog a lady tells how she gave her husband her list of demands for a better marriage and said she was contemplating divorce but he dropped dead the next day. She came to realize that even without him most of her problems were still there. I love her subtitle “How to have a happier marriage without waiting for your spouse to change.”

So yes, one person can make  huge difference in saving a marriage. Sadly, most who say they will do anything to save their marriage try one or two things, wait just a very short time for their spouse to change, but then give up.

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Playing to Win or Playing to Lose

Posted on July 23, 2011 by RichWildman

During our separation as I struggling with what to do to save my marriage, and contemplating what would happen if  everything I tried failed and we got divorced, my counselor challenged me to play to win instead of playing to lose.

His challenge was quite inspirational. I decided more and more not to give up but to keep studying and trying many different things. I am so glad I did keep trying. He also reminded me that perseverance wins the race.

If you are separated and trying to put your marriage back together and even if your spouse still wants out, I challenge you to persevere in looking for every way possible to win your spouse back.

Pray, study God’s Word, search this blog for helpful resources, search other blogs and read books. Keep trying little things and be thankful for the smallest ray of hope – even if the only thing you can think of is that today is not your court date.

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Fragile Clay Jars

Posted on July 22, 2011 by sewildman

So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. ~ Jeremiah 18:3-4 (NIV)

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:7 (NIV)

I have a friend who has taken a great leap of faith to be open and vulnerable by blogging the beautiful-ugly of her life at Fragile Clay Jars. I’m sure you will find encouragement there.

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What if trials of this life . . .

Posted on July 20, 2011 by sewildman

The hubby and I were “doing” church at home this morning and listened to the song Blessings by Laura Story. It’s a huge reminder that it’s important while going through trials to have God’s perspective that they are His mercies in disguise.

When you’re going through the trials of separation or divorce, disease or sickness, disappointment or endless frustrations in yourself or one you love, God is still the God who loves you more than you can ever ask or imagine. He gives us GOOD gifts. We confess that some are not ones we would pick for ourselves, but they are always what we need.

They are a revealing of a greater thirst that the world can’t satisfy.

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Being Thankful

Posted on July 13, 2011 by sewildman

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.~ Colossians 2:6-7 (NIV)

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. ~ Colossians 3:15 (NIV)

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. ~ Colossians 4:2 (NIV)

Just because Richard and I were separated the things God asked me to do were not negated, because He knows what is good for us to get us through our hard times. It’s important for us to get our perspectives off ourselves and onto God first and foremost. Then to look to serve others in the ways God asks us to. Yes, even when depressed, despairing, etc.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NIV)

I learned that part of the cure for my depressed and pity was to “look to the good of others.” (1 Cor. 10:24 – Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.) It helped to put my problems in perspective.

What did I do to keep myself from focusing on my own problems? I still co-led a Bible study – even in my brokenness; helped with our community marriage initiative; reached out to the girls at work – ministering to them in their pain.

Some other ideas for you to do are to have a friend over to your house for lunch and encourage them, write a card to someone, call and leave an encouraging message on voice mail, or put together a love-basket for someone (You can do them very cheaply or completely homemade! Split the cost with a friend to bless another friend.), work at a soup kitchen, and if you have email availability – write quick notes with scriptures attached.

How did I get to the point where I could even THINK about serving someone else? Filling in my “thankful book”. Even before our separation, I was miserable and self-focused on all my problems and misery. I was reading in 1 Thessalonians one day and ran across this familiar scripture:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

I asked the Lord how I could become more thankful because I sure didn’t feel there was anything to be thankful for! I asked Him to help me to give thanks in ALL my circumstances. That was a huge obstacle at the time. God showed me this verse in answer to my question:     

He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God. ~ Psalm 50:23 (NIV)

Thanking God sometimes is a pure sacrifice from our hearts. When we don’t feel like it, we still take those thank offerings to Him and lay them on His altar. Just as the scripture says, with our sacrifice, we prepare our own way for God to bring salvation to us. Our salvation can be a myriad of things – not just salvation in Christ. Salvation in financial provision. Salvation in car repairs. Salvation in our kids having what they need. The kids and I never lacked for anything we NEEDED when we went though that hard time. We didn’t always have what we wanted, but we ALWAYS had what we needed.

What do you need God’s salvation in today? You can prepare the way for Him to “save” you by sacrificing thank offerings to Him.

Today, I continue to write thankful journals. They help me to be a grateful person and to keep my eyes on God who gives me everything to be thankful for!

I wrote a devotional a few years ago for someone else’s website sharing my experiences with my “thankful book”. Some of the things in it below were definitely sacrificial offerings (like my marriage and my husband).

He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God. ~ Psalm 50:23 (NIV)

Several years ago I struggled with an attitude of ungratefulness. I asked the Lord to help me overcome it. What He showed me to do turned my heart around. Each day I was to write down something I was thankful for. And not just on any piece of paper or in any journal. I was to buy a beautiful small spiral notebook to write in so that I would have a remembrance of the goodness of God. A kind of Ebenezer stone[1] I could re-read for years that would remind me of God’s love and provision.

I have learned that there is always something to be thankful for. Not just the big things that are obvious, but all of the little things that God blesses me with day-in and day-out. Some days I would write a long list of things to be thankful for; some days it was just one thing.

My first entry was Tuesday, December 18, 2001, and included the following: God’s Word, the ability to pray, my marriage and husband, clean carpets, and Christmas time.

More that same month it was: Christmas Eve services, families, snow on Christmas morning, hugs from my kids, cleaned out closets, fine crystal glasses, candlelight, microwave ovens, white light on grapevine trees, cold medicines for kids, full moons, cattle that load onto trucks easily, worship music, forgiveness, God’s power to break strongholds, trips to Russia, and dogs.

The repetition of intentionally reflecting on my day and remembering the things to be thankful for has changed my whole attitude about life in general. I find myself looking for blessings instead of dwelling on the negative each day. It also keeps me focused on the truth that God is the source of all blessings.

How would it help you to write down each day what you are thankful for? Try it for 10 days and see if it doesn’t help change your heart and your attitude towards God and others.

Prayer Lord, I am grateful that you have taught me to be more thankful each day. Please continue to open my eyes to the wonderful blessings you give. Thank you, today, for sunny skies, wind in the trees, cell phones to be able to talk to my family while they work in the fields, cards from friends, seeing new puppies on my walk this morning, and sweet time with you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

[1]1 Samuel 7:12 (NIV): Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far has the Lord helped us.”
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Marriage Resources

Posted on July 8, 2011 by RichWildman

This is a great list of marriage resources. Many of them would have made my list if I had done a list.

http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2011/07/06/25-marriage-resources-my-readers-personally-recommend/

Like Julie says, you may not agree with everything but glean the best that relates to your marriage. We personally met Julie at AMFM and also Ron Deal and Doug Rosenau.

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