I cannot emphasize enough that Jesus is the Healer of marriages. He healed ours. He used many of the resources listed on our website – many of which point to Him. My encouragement is to persist in seeking Him through His Word, prayer, worship, and fellowship with His people. He has promised that He will never leave or forsake those who are His. He has also promised that those who seek will find Him.
Four Marriages – Humorous
OK, SO SHOOT ME. I COULDN’T RESIST – 4 MARRIAGES EXPLAINED
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. He’s a funeral director, she answered.
Interesting, the newsman thought. He then asked if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
Found this at www.smartmarriages.com
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Marriage on the Mend (Inverse Ministries)
Our friends, Clint and Penny Bragg, wrote a book called Marriage on the Mend that specifically addresses issues couples face in the first five years of reconciliation. They are now producing podcasts that are companions to the book. You can see a list of the available podcasts here.
We are just over our five year mark for reconciliation and it hasn’t been all roses but our marriage has continue to improve by doing many of these things to keep strong and connected.
Posted in Divorce, Marriage, Separation
Tagged Reconciliation, Relationships, Resources
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Separated? Thinking you’d be better off with someone else?
When you are separated, especially for a long time, even if you are the one who wants to save your marriage, it’s easy to start wondering if it would be easier just to give up on this relationship and start over again.
Time for a reality check. Each time you remarry your chance of another divorce increases. I think the trend goes something like 50% divorce rate for first marriages, 60% for second marriages, and maybe 70% or more for third.
Okay, maybe you will be one of the lucky ones and not be one of those statistics. From my observations whatever your real shortcomings in your first marriage were – and we all have shortcomings – if you don’t deal with them appropriately now they will come back to haunt you in your next marriage. Many times people will unwittingly pick out someone who is very similar to their first spouse, even the negative attributes. They may not see those things at first but they come out.
In some video I watched there was a testimony of a couple who each was divorced from their first spouse, had a wonderful whirlwind courtship, and then said it took seven years of hell to get their marriage to a good place. Listening to them inspired me that if someway, somehow Sharon and I could get back together we could make a lot of progress in seven years. I am thankful to report that we have.
Another study that has come out recently has shown that researchers surveyed partners who were in unhappy marriages for their overall level of happiness. Five years later they resurveyed the same people. Those people who had stayed together had overall more happiness in their life five years down the road than those who had split up.
Yes, some second and third marriages do work but the ones that I know personally have taken a lot of blood, sweat and tears on the part of both partners to get to that place, and most will admit, still have residue of pain from the first marriage. A few have even told me that if they had worked as hard on their first marriage as they have their second they would still have been together with their first partner.
Wedding Rings During Separation (Part 2)
For whatever reason my original post on this has gotten a lot of traffic which has led me to think more deeply about this subject.
One thing I have heard in my Christian experience is that outward symbols reflect an inner reality. For example, kneeling in prayer signifies humility before God, and baptism symbolizes our spiritual death, burial and resurrection.
So to me the wedding ring symbolizes unbroken love. An additional idea is that the circle represents eternal love, which goes along with our promise to love until death. Rings are usually made of gold or silver which are precious metals and symbolize the preciousness of our love and commitment.
During our separation just looking at my ring reminded me of the commitment I had made to love my wife. I think it also helped me recall our wedding day.
If you are separated spend some time asking yourself what it meant to you when you received it and what it means to you now.
“How I Found God in Bed”
Note: This post is not for children or anyone sensitive to talking about marital sex in a public forum.
I found this to be a very balanced and encouraging article. http://kyria.com/topics/marriagefamily/marriage/spirituality/howifoundgodinbed.html
Long Term Marriage
Here is a link to a story about a long term marriage. More inspiration to stick it out through thick and thin.
Focus on Marriage/Stephen Kendrick
Stephen Kendrick is the pastor of Sherwood Church and has produced the movies Fireproof, Facing the Giants and Flywheel. He and his brother, Alex, also co-wrote The Love Dare.
Stephen spoke on forgiveness. It seemed to be the theme that God brought together for the day.
When you get married God will use your spouse to show you what is not Christ-like in you. God wants us to learn to forgive every person who has offended us. (Mark 11:24-26 – Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.)
God can restore love when we choose to forgive. (Colossians 3:13-14 – Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.)
Declare war on bitterness! Never stop forgiving for your own sake, for the Lord’s sake, for your kids’ sake, for your spouse’s sake. (Matthew 18:21-22 – Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy seven times.”)
Daily confess my own sins; daily forgive others who have wounded and hurt me.
If you refuse to forgive you are letting a root of bitterness take hold – that only hurts you! Bitterness is anger left unresolved, belating forgiveness, closing days without cleaning accounts.
Hebrews 12:15 says See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Wow. It defiles many. . . not just you, not just the one who has offended you, but many around you.
Look diligently in your own heart for any bitterness. In Ephesians 4 Paul says to not sin in your anger; don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold this way.
Focus on Marriage/Dr. Gary Chapman
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, was another of the speakers at the Focus on the Family simulcast this past Saturday. He talked about a couple of things – two essentials to having a successful long-term marriage and the 5 Languages of Apology.
The two essentials are:
1. Feeling loved and appreciated.
2. Dealing effectively with our failures. When we fail each other it creates a barrier between us. To effectively deal with our failures we need to use apologizing and forgiveness to break that barrier down.
When we apologize to our spouse they are often internally asking, “Are they sincere?”. And that can only be answered in the affirmative if you have apologized in your spouse’s apology language. Here is a quick summary of those languages.
1. Expressing Regret
- “I’m sorry that I…” Always say what you are sorry for. Name it. Do NOT put a “but” on the end of it. (Luke 15:21 and Psalm 51:17)
2. Accepting Responsibility
- “I was wrong…” No excuses for it. (1 John 1:9 and Luke 15:21)
3. Offering to make restitution.
- “What can I do to make this up to you?”
- “What do you need to trust me again?”
- Working to repair what has been done. It’s a process. (Luke 19:8)
4. Genuinely repenting OR expressing the desire of wanting to change.
- “I know I did this last week, and here I’ve done it again. Will you help me make a plan not to do it again?”
5. Requesting Forgiveness
- Actually saying, “Will you forgive me?”
Each of us has a primary apology language. If we don’t apologize in our spouse’s apology language they may take us as not being sincere.
To figure out which language is yours, ask:
- What do I typically say when I apologize?
- What hurts me most deeply about this situation? (Ex: My spouse never says he is wrong [#2].)
- What could they say or do to make it easier for me to forgive them?
What is forgiveness?
- There are 3 Hebrew and 4 Greek words in the Bible that mean “to pardon, or to take away” – removing a barrier. Psalm 103:12 – “…as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us….” This is God’s response to an apology.
- It’s choosing mercy and grace over justice! It’s letting God deal with the justice of the situation.
- Forgiveness does not destroy our memory.
- Forgiveness does not remove all the painful emotions. What do you do with those memories and emotions? Take them to God!
- Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of sin.
- Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. They have to be trustworthy. If you have committed adultery, for example, you need to be open with your spouse – your checkbook, your computer, your passwords, everything.
- Forgiveness does not always bring reconciliation. It CAN open a door to reconciliation.
Even if they do not apologize in your apology language, it’s choosing to forgive anyway.
If they don’t apologize at all …
- Do Matthew 18 graciously. Go to them first.
- Release the person to God. (1 Peter 2)
- Pray for them and stand ready to forgive them.
- Return good for evil. (Romans 12)
ALL of us have and will fail our spouse. We don’t have to be perfect, but we do need to deal effectively with our failures.
Ask yourself, “Where am I failing in my marriage?”
Learn more about the Five Languages of Apology here.
Focus on Marriage/Gary Thomas
Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, was back again this year at the simulcast.
In the relationship between God and Israel there were seasons of great joy and celebration, seasons of frustration and anger, seasons of silence and times of infidelity. So it can be in our own marriages.
It takes on average nine to 14 years to think as a “couple” – longer for a second marriage. When people get married they don’t think “we” from the start. They still think of themselves as individuals. It’s how our brains work. It’s slow going to get your brain to think you and your spouse as a couple.
He spoke of a good marriage being not something you find, but something you make. And you can remake it or rebuild it if yours has broken down. There is hope that you can grow back together if you’ve grown apart. How? By the spiritual discipline of perseverance. Luke 8:15 says that the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.“Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything”, James 1:4 says and Roman 2:7 says “To those who by persistence in doing good…”
Commitment, tenacity, perseverance, hanging in there – you need these both in growing as a Christian and in growing your marriage.
At the 35th year of your marriage there are studies that say most marriages rate their satisfaction higher than when they got married. But, you have to have commitment and perseverance to get there. Remember, your marriage is something you make, NOT find.
Some seasons of your marriage just have to be endured. They are the “uphill, thin air” seasons of life. Like when there are little kids in the house and life is just tough. In the moment some periods seem so intense, and they are, but later, if you persevere and endure, they are so worth it.
God watches the way we love each other. God rewards those who love expecting to get nothing in return.
You are married to God’s son or daughter. God is your father-in-law. There’s a perspective to get you thinking eternally. Francis Chan said that we need to focus on who we are going to be in the presence of God for eternity and to help each other become that person.
stubborn-pursuits.com 