Focus on Marriage/Dr. Julianna Slattery

Posted on March 1, 2010 by sewildman

Dr. Slattery serves as the family psychologist at Focus on the Family. She is the author of Finding the Hero in Your Husband.

Marriage is the most powerful relationship on the face of the earth. Your husband’s greatest need is to be a hero to you. To be someone who is worthy, competent, can be counted on and be that one in the clutch that you turn to. But, your husband asks himself “Am I a hero, or a zero?” in her eyes?

In their heart of hearts they ask – “Do you believe in me; in the man that I am?” “Will you be there for me?” He wants a teammate who is for him.

Wives, these questions give us great power in our relationship with our husbands. How will be respond? The call on our husband to leadership is a call to courage. Help him learn how to lead you.

We can have two responses when our husband leads – relief when he does or fear of him making a wrong decision. Will we trust God above it all to work in every situation in our marriage whether our husband makes a wrong decision or not? Can we believe that God can work all things for good? Our husband is human, he will make mistakes and sometimes we also have to live through the consequences of those mistakes, but if we are trusting God above all, He will work it for good. Help to build your husband up and not tear him down in your response.

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Focus on Marriage/Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

Posted on March 1, 2010 by RichWildman

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott shared about a triangle for romantic love.  On one side there is passion which is the biological function of romantic love. On the other side of the triangle is intimacy which is connection on an emotional level. On the bottom of the triangle is commitment which is the willful part of true romantic love.

(They mentioned that passion is a good springboard for a relationship, but an awful regulator.)

One very simple exercise they taught us to use as a quick relationship checkup, called “How’s your love life?”, is to rate where you are on a scale of  1 to 10 in each of those three areas – passion, intimacy, and commitment, and then share with your partner about your rating and why you are where you are.

They also warned that all relationships are very fluid. There is a lot of ebb and flow. There are passages and seasons in marriage. No one rates a 10 all the time in all areas, much less two people having a 10 all three areas at the same time.

One interesting thing they pointed out was that often men need to do an activity with their wives to feel connected. So, walking together, taking a ride, doing chores – anything where the two of you are together and doing something – will help the husband feel connected to his wife. So, wives, when your husband wants you to take a walk with him, be with him as he tinkers in the garage, or help him with chores, take advantage of it! It’s his way of trying to connect emotionally with you.

They also have a new book out called The Love List: Eight Little Things That Make a Big Difference in Your Marriage. It’s a simple list of things to do to make a big difference in your marriage. You do two things every day, two things every week, two things every month and two things every year. Check it out here.

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Focus on Marriage/Francis Chan

Posted on March 1, 2010 by RichWildman

Francis Chan is pastor of Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, California, and is author of the book Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God.

One of his quotes is: “The answer… isn’t a list of do’s and don’t’s, it’s falling in love with God.” His personal story is that two weeks after he was married he told his new bride that he felt that God was calling him to start a church. Her attitude was that if that is what God was leading Francis to do, he should do it, and she would fully support him. Years later he has a sizable church and feels incredibly loved by his wife’s belief in God working through him.

One of his takeaways is that marriage should have a bigger calling than just being happy. We need to be thinking as a couple how the two of us together can be impacting the world for Christ, and how we can be doing it better as a team, than as individuals. Our lives should be more than just focusing on our marriage, but focusing our marriage toward what God’s mission is for us as a couple. There is something bigger than our marriage and there needs to be a mission to it.

Part of the way they do that in their marriage is by having others live with them. They also live a reduced lifestyle so that they can give more to missions around the world.

Something profound that he said is that there has never been a divorce when both partners are walking in the Spirit because when you are walking in the Spirit you are undivided. God does not divide you and lead you in two directions. God wrote the Word through the leading of His Holy Spirit and He said that he hates divorce, so why would His Spirit be leading two people to do something contrary to His Word?!

He also emphasized that each partner needs undivided devotion to the Lord, and as they do, the marriage becomes stronger.

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Focus On Marriage

Posted on March 1, 2010 by RichWildman

Sharon and I went to the second Focus on Marriage Simulcast sponsored by Focus on the Family this past Saturday. We have been highly impressed both years with the quality of speakers and their topics. We will be doing some posts labeled Focus on Marriage. If you want more information about the simulcast go to http://www.focusonlinecommunities.com/community/marriage/focusonmarriage

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62 Years of Marriage and Still Upbeat

Posted on February 25, 2010 by RichWildman

I hope after 62 years of marriage Sharon and I can still be this positive and upbeat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RI-l0tK8Ok0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUma-9YC32Y

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Stories of the Determined to Reconcile

Posted on February 25, 2010 by RichWildman

I once read in a book about a man whose wife had told him that after many years of marriage she had no feelings for him. He went to the refrigerator to get milk and collapsed in grief and pain with the milk in his hands. In that moment he made the determination that he didn’t know how he was going to do it, but he was not going to let his marriage end up in divorce.

I know a lady whose husband had alcohol and women problems. She and some friends did an intervention to get him into intensive therapy. Somewhere during that time she made the decision that she was not divorcing.

Another friend of mine was confronted by his wife about his physical abuse of her. This ex-Navy, macho man humbled himself and went to a female therapist to deal with his anger. He also realized that he and his wife had a communication problem so he started devouring books on communication.

Charlyne from Rejoice Ministries went to her pastors years ago about her husband’s womanizing, etc. They told her to get a divorce and she did, but then was convicted by God that she shouldn’t have gotten a divorce and she was to pray and fast for her husband. Eventually he gave up the affair, came home to her loving arms, and now they have been in marriage ministry over 20 years.

I cannot teach you how to get to that point of absolute determination to hang onto your marriage in spite of a seemingly hopeless situation, but maybe some of these stories will inspire you.

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Being Thankful During Your Separation

Posted on February 25, 2010 by RichWildman

During a marital separation it is often easy to lose hope and see nothing good happening, especially if your spouse is not responding to your attempts to reconcile, they are ignoring you, or your  interactions are always taking a turn for the worse. I had to make a conscious choice to be thankful. I told myself that any day we weren’t in divorce court with a judge and two attorneys was a plus. If we had the smallest civil interaction, or if part of our interaction was civil, I was thankful.

If we had no contact for a day or several days I tried to be thankful just to be alive. To enjoy the sun, enjoy friends, enjoy the quiet, and remind myself that we were not in divorce court that day. The Apostle Paul reminds us to be thankful in all circumstances, not just the ones that go the way we want them to.

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More Help for the Separated

Posted on February 24, 2010 by sewildman

We found these articles to be powerful and effective truths from our friends, Clint and Penny Bragg, of Inverse Ministries.

3 Key Truths

Marriage Saving Tools

Scripture-Prayer Cards-Marriage

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Cord of Three Strands

Posted on February 22, 2010 by RichWildman

The Bible mentions in Ecclesiastes 4:12 that a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. I have often heard the analogy given in marriage sermons that marriage is like that cord – the two marriage partners and God. But just one partner dedicated to God, and God Himself, make a formidable twosome in holding a marriage together, even if the other partner wants out.

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Discouragement While Hoping for Reconciliation

Posted on February 22, 2010 by RichWildman

It is quite common during a marital separation to get very discouraging comments from friends, family, acquaintances, and, yes, even church members or leaders, about the  low probability of reconciling your marriage. I found that at some point in time I had to lay all those comments aside and decide that it was my life and my marriage and I was not giving up.

So often when you read stories of great feats whether in business, on the battlefield, or in sports, a key theme of those who reached the top was the fact that people had told them they couldn’t do it, or it couldn’t be done. Somehow they found it within themselves to push past all of that and just get the job done, whatever it was.

I can’t tell you exactly how to get to that point of absolute determination when it comes to your marriage – although asking God for the strength sure helps. I can tell you that in most couples who come back from a major separation to a reconciled marriage one partner or the other got to that point of determination.

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