Reminds me a lot of Dr. Phil in “Relationship Rescue.” His premise is that if you want a different marriage start with changing yourself.

I just read an article in my local paper today about how to work out a civilized post divorce relationship that works for everyone.

Here were their recommendations:

1. Recognize your role in the conflict. “Hard as it may be to give up the crutch, being honest with yourself is the first step in creating a lasting truce.”

2. Keep the kids out of it. “Effective parenting often involves putting yourself second,” says Rick Tivers, co-director of the Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago.

3. Set boundaries. “Use the phone or even talk to their answering machine if personal communication erupts into arguments,” Ron Deal says. “Write out exactly what you intend to say, along with answers to their anticipated responses.”

4. Be consistent. “No amount of anger over agreements is worth contaminating your relationship with your ex or children,” Wolf says.

5. Be considerate. “Begin with a return to basic courtesies such as listening at least as much as you speak during interactions, soliciting your ex’s opinion on joint issues and trying to see things from their perspective.”

6. Plan for the future. “In the end, whether you and your former spouse become bitter enemies or good friends depends on where you want to end up.”

(From “Civil Divorce” by Amish Majumdar http://www.divorce360.com/)

My thought is that if you can really work through all of those things civilly, there is a high probability you could use some of the same principles and attitudes to reconcile your marriage, which to me is even better.

When my wife and I were in legal mediation, trying to mediate a legal separation – which I was willing to do only because it might avoid divorce – our mediator gave us a list of every issue about which we would either agree or the court would decide for us. My thought then was “Gee, these are most of the issues we have struggled with during our marriage such as finances, child rearing etc., so if we get all of these agreed upon, about the only thing left is what we do with our free time, and sex – which was off the table at that time – we might as well stay married.”

Thankfully with Christ’s help we did reconcile and learned new ways to work through those many issues.

“…the key to succeeding in marriage is NOT finding the right person; it’s YOU becoming the right person. Your relationship is not simply a function of who you pick; it’s also a function of who you are.” – Dr. Mort Fertel

I found this letter to Kate Gosselin from a Today’s Christian Woman writer to be a passionate but tactful call to rise up and fight for her marriage. Wish I was more eloquent at times in calling people to honor their marriage vows and to fight on.

http://blog.todayschristianwoman.com/editors/2009/06/words_for_kate_gosselin.html

Just happened across this article by a writer who was reflecting on her mistakes in marriage. I realized that I make some of the same mistakes.

I liked her encouragement to touch more, hug more, and kiss more. I also like her encouragement to focus on the huge pluses of her spouse instead of the imperfections.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-rubin/5-mistakes-i-make-in-my-m_b_216701.html

I found this a great article about the power and necessity of commitment in marriage.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2009/2009web-only/istayed.html

If you like this you might want to subscribe to Christianity Today’s marriage e-newsletter.

So often I hear a spouse who is separated even against their wishes, say something like “I am willing to work on our marriage if my spouse will.” That is great, but that may not be enough to save a marriage.

Those who really want to save their marriage will make a conscious choice to take a step of faith and continue to work on themselves along with their marriage even when their spouse is unwilling or pulling away. Faith is the conviction of things not seen – and it does take a lot of faith to continue to do your best to fulfill your vows when it appears your spouse isn’t. Ultimately though, such faith is pleasing to God.

I found this to be an awesome post about marriage. It was written by Amanda Jones, Beth Moore’s daughter.

http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/2009/06/burning-down-house.html

There were some great comments about this post, including this one that really caught my eye by The Skaggs.

I believe love is a choice…Jesus uses the same word love when he says love your enemies as he uses for loving your spouse. I’m certainly not going to love my enemies with the same feel good, cloud 9, emotional love that I feel for my husband. I’m going to have to choose to love my enemies with Gods supernatural power in me, and I’m going to have to choose, daily in Gods power, to love my husband…whether I feel giddy about it that day or we’re working on some tough issues at the moment. So when someone comes to me and says they’ve fallen out of love with their spouse, the spark just isn’t there anymore, I’m going to say “no, you are choosing to not love your spouse anymore.” And I hope my friends would do the same for me! Hope that made sense! Praise God for the ministry y’all have!