First I am not an attorney, and thankfully during our separation we never got into the court system. My wife hired an attorney and I talked to our farm attorney to get an overview of the law. We had a mediator who was not an attorney but who was well versed in law.

I am writing this as a primer for anyone who finds themselves suddenly faced with a divorce or separation and who, like me, is clueless about family law. I had two courses of business law in college and over the years was the go-to person for farm legal issues in our family, but when it came to family law, I don’t think I knew the difference between a divorce and a dissolution.

At the time of our separation we lived in Ohio, so the little bit I know about family law is mostly from an Ohio perspective. Good resources for family law are on the web where you can search for things like divorce, separation, or remarriage. There are lots of free web sites by states and legal groups that will give you the basics. Of course, there are lots of ads to be sifted through also. Another good place to research is the law section in a bookstore, and also in marriage and family or relationship sections. Public libraries, tend to have wealth of resources.

From what I have been told, most attorneys will give a free short consultation to review your situation. In most places you have a right to represent yourself. I think that is called pro-se. There are lots of resources out there for that. Sometimes there are paralegals and such that will help you walk through some of the steps, but not give you full blown representation. The courts themselves often have lots of information. In general, family law is a function of each state, and then each county has its own procedures also.

I think, but am not sure, that there may be some standardization nationwide for some child support issues. One thing I have heard is that some attorneys try their best to have the most peaceful and amicable settlement as possible and to do as much negotiation out of court as possible. Others are fully willing to use the law as aggressively as possible for maximum advantage for their clients.

Now for my layman’s overview. (Again, I am NOT an attorney, so you will need to research this for yourself.)

A divorce is a lawsuit where one partner in a marriage sues the other for divorce. It used to be that the party wanting out of the marriage had to prove some sort of fault in the other like adultery. Now, apparently most of the nation has no-fault divorce. Eventually, if a partner wants out of a marriage they can get out. As in any lawsuit there are all sorts of procedures, time deadlines, etc. The partner filing for divorce sometimes as a strategy asks for everything including the kitchen sink. Eventually, a judge will make a final determination, which, at least in some situations, is able to be appealed. A divorce where the party filed against does not agree with everything the other person filed for is called a contested divorce.

A dissolution is a voluntary agreement by a married couple to ask the court to dissolve their marriage. Before the court will approve it, all issues such as finances, child support, and more, have to be agreed upon by the parties.

A legal separation is an agreement where a married couple agree to live apart but remain married. They agree to issues such as finances, child support, etc.

As usual, legal terminology can be confusing. In all cases, divorce, dissolution, separation, there is a document called a separation agreement. This is a master agreement between the parties that details all of the decisions about finances, child support, child custody, alimony, etc. A dissolution won’t happen until the couple has agreed on all of those things. In a divorce, on the issues where the couple don’t agree, the judge decides. My best understanding is that, in general, child support is determined by a formula that looks at lots of economic factors, then the judge normally has some discretion to modify it or allow it to be modified based upon the particular circumstances.

Sometimes there is a mediator involved. A mediator works with a couple to work out their separation agreement privately. Some couples will voluntarily use them if they can’t agree between themselves, but don’t want the expense of a court fight. Sometimes I believe the court can order or at least strongly suggest that a couple try mediation, before taking up the court’s time and resources with a full blown contested divorce.

Another whole aspect of family law is called protective orders. This is where someone does not feel safe with their spouse and asks the court to protect them by ordering their spouse, on threat of arrest, to limit contact with them. Here I am a little more familiar with MD law because I have watched some people deal with these. Again, all of this goes by state, but in MD I think it is relatively easy for a spouse to file a form with the court for a protective order. The court can fairly quickly put one in place to protect people they believe may be in imminent danger, but then a hearing is scheduled to determine the facts and make longer term decisions. Men, if you have a major struggle with anger, be aware your wife and kids maybe scared of you more than you realize. Please seek out and get professional help immediately. Far better than facing a protective order.

Well, I hope this has been a helpful and accurate overview of some very complex and emotionally scary topics.

This is written primarily with those in mind who are right in the midst of an extreme marital crisis. One partner is seriously threatening divorce, or one partner has left or been asked to move out. I often talk to people whose spouse has just left them or asked them to leave, and they say things like, “I would do anything to save my marriage. What can I do? I’ll do anything.”

I don’t know how many remember in one of the Iraq wars, the strategy was “shock and awe.” In other words, our military unleashed a massive assault on multiple fronts that was designed to “shock and awe” the enemy. Strategies like that don’t win a war by themselves; you still need persistence.

So, if you have just entered a marital crisis or are in the midst of one, here are some things that you can do to “shock” the real enemy, which is Satan. Then, hopefully, it will “awe” your spouse enough that they start to say to themselves, “Hey, in spite of their faults, my spouse is serious about our marriage. Maybe I need to rethink my desire to leave this marriage. At the very least, I am not going to be able to quietly walk away from this marriage.” One caution – do not pay too much attention to how your spouse acts or reacts. Remember that you are primarily trying to be pleasing to God, and He loves it when people get determined to do the right thing.

If you really want to save your marriage, your relationship with God has to be number one in your life. After that, you will need to put marriage number two in a way that you probably never have before. This may or may not be in the form of direct interaction with your spouse.

Okay, let me say it another way. If you really want your marriage back, you need to make consistent choices that indicate that you really do put it number two behind God. Things such as:

a. I want to go golfing, but maybe I should go to counseling for my own issues.
b. I have waited for years to buy a Corvette, but my spouse is willing to go to a marital intensive retreat and it is going to take several thousand dollars.
c. I really like bowling on Wednesday nights, but that is the only night I can go to Divorce Care; that sounds like a good program that will help me.

In decisions like these, you need to be saying by your actions that your marriage is a priority. It is also not a time to be postponing things you know you need to be doing for your marriage. If you are already in legal proceedings, the clock is already ticking. If you are not, your spouse’s clock may be ticking down before they take drastic legal action.

Hopefully, you get the idea. Your marriage is either important enough to make an all-out investment of time, money, and effort in the here and now, or it isn’t. You can try to make half-hearted efforts like counseling once a month, reading one book a month on marriage, and applying one minor point in your life and hoping for the best. But there is a good chance that the clock will tick, your spouse may become more aggressive legally, and one day before you know it, what money you have left after lawyers, child support, etc. will be yours to spend on your ‘vette, your golf, your bowling, but you will be going home to an empty house and sharing your kids with your ex-spouse on a schedule that is overseen by the court system.

As mentioned elsewhere in this blog, my wife and I were separated 16 months before we reconciled. I will list many things that I did during this time and put stars by them. Other things on this list are things that I didn’t do for various reasons or things that I have learned about since then. My suggestion is to study through this, check my references and other areas on this blog, and ask God what He wants you to do and when He wants you to do it. There is no guarantee for saving your marriage. Even today I don’t know exactly what the most effective things were that I did either in my wife’s or God’s views. I am thankful that He and she honored my efforts, even when sometimes the implementation wasn’t the best.

I am trying to inspire you to go all out, not to boast about what I did. I am trying to give you a realistic picture of what it may take to get your marriage turned around and what it took for mine. Sometimes in our short testimony, I am afraid our readers will think that Sharon and I only did a couple of things, and – poof! – our marriage was healed, then will try one or two things I mentioned, things will get worse or no better, and will give up. That’s not it at all, as you will see.

PRAYER/FASTING
If you are in a church, have the pastors or elders pray for you and your spouse any chance you get, whether in private or at altar calls.

Fast before counseling appointments, critical meetings with a spouse, or on a regular basis. Study and consider longer-term fasts.

If you are attending another church and they have open altar calls, go forward and ask for prayer. (I was shocked recently when my former counselor asked me for a testimony to give to an African missionary who had prayed for me when visiting her church. He had even had his congregation in Ghana pray for us.)

If you know some people who are well versed in prayer – have a special gift of intercession – talk to them, listen to them, and have them pray for you. People who have this gift love to pray for others.

Avail yourself of prayer on the web. Rejoice Ministries has places for general prayer and even to list your court date. Shiloh Place Ministries allowed me to e mail them prayers.

Read and pray “Power of a Praying Husband” or “Power of Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian.

Pray “The Stander’s Affirmation” on the Rejoice Ministries website, but only if you are really all out serious about saving your marriage.

Pray against the spirit of divorce.

Intensive Prayer Counseling. I went to Healing House Network for two days of intensive prayer.

BUILD YOUR OVERALL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND HIS WORD
I did the “Believing God” Bible study by Beth Moore. I desperately needed to believe God for my marriage.

“Experiencing God” by Henry Blackaby. I did it years ago, and it was a solid study.

Bottom line, do something that suits you to really draw you closer to God, whether that is just reading and praying or doing a study. If you feel guilty because you have let these things slip, just be honest with God about it. If you really thought you were doing well with God, and your situation feels like He has betrayed you, be honest about that also.

COUNSELING/COACHING FOR YOUR OWN ISSUES
If there are certain issues that your spouse has complained about for years, now is a good time to work on them, especially if they are the same issues other people in your life confront you with. Things like anger, addictions, etc.

*Psychiatrist
*Psychologist
*Professional Clinical Counselor
*Same-sex mentor

*I spent a month at Meier Clinic in Michigan. It is a Christian outpatient care facility dealing with anxiety, depression, addiction, and more.

Coaching. My counselor was just learning coaching when we were separated. The coaching approach really helped me. (Counseling vs. coaching requires some discernment. Number one with either is to find out if your counselor or coach is marriage friendly, i.e., they will really encourage you to hang on when the going gets tough. You need to take stock of yourself if you strongly suspect a major psychological problem, are on meds, or suspect you need meds, or are struggling with suicidal thoughts. You should look for a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor. If you know what you need to do in life or are searching for direction, a coach might be called for. I had both by the end.)

Mentors walk beside you sharing their own life experiences. We had mentors early in our separation who tried to teach us some communication skills. The depth of our problems eventually exceeded their competency level, so they encouraged us toward counseling. We also had same-sex mentors when we did “Reconciling God’s Way.”

If your spouse refuses counseling/mentoring/coaching with you, make it your goal to be all that God called you to be. As you make progress on that, there is hope that your spouse will notice, so when you reconcile, you will have a better marriage because you will be a better you.

INTENSIVES
I would have done one of these in a heartbeat, but Sharon was never willing. In some states, you can even petition the court in a divorce proceeding to order more counseling or to attend an intensive.

We eventually went to a one-day PAIRS training (more info on the blog). The key was that I asked her to attend even though she had said no to many other things. By God turning her heart, she was willing to go.

The intensive Retrouvaille started in the Catholic Church, but Protestant versions also exist. You and your spouse go to a hotel, retreat center, or some other venue from Friday night to Sunday evening. A series of talks are given by former Retrouvaille participants whose marriages have been healed. The talks are the same all across the country, but each presenting couple tells their own story as they give their presentations. The assignments are between you and your spouse, so you don’t have to share with others. They have a very high success rate. I interviewed with an intake lady who shared that when she and her husband went 10 years ago, they were living apart, and he was having an affair. I was in tears as she shared how God had reconciled their marriage.

Hope Restored spun off from Gary Smalley’s organization. Robert Paul is a primary leader there, and I think Gary Smalley’s son is also. They are headquartered in Branson, Missouri, but also do intensives in Georgia. They have two- and four-day intensives where you and your spouse work with a counseling team. In the two-day, it is all private counseling; in the four-day, it is a combination of group and private counseling.

Sharon Hart Morris, in California, does customized one-on-one intensives. I believe she is willing to fly to other areas of the country to do them, also.

Marble Retreat Center in Colorado specializes in on-sight intensives for people in various levels of lay and professional ministry.

SEPARATED/DIVORCED PREVENTION/HEALING/RECOVERY
“Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce” is a five-session DVD series that is a wake-up call about the negative consequences of divorce, including some awesome testimonies of healed marriages. Ideally, you watch this over several sessions with your spouse and a facilitator. You then do an intensive Bible study. The facilitator helps you discuss the issues such as legal, emotional, financial, children, and reconciliation that are raised in the DVD series. It is not marriage counseling.

Sharon was not willing to watch this with me, so I watched it myself and became even more determined that there was hope for our marriage and that I was not giving up.

Divorce Care is a 13-week DVD support group for those who are separated or divorced. The format is watching a video about the week’s topic, such as finances, depression, anger, new relationships, or reconciliation, and then discussing the videos and as much of your personal situation as you feel comfortable. On the DVD, there are experts sharing about the week’s topic, and then there are people who have walked the journey sharing also.

I actually attended three different groups in two different cities (not my own town), all at the same time. The group format and the videos were tremendously used by Jesus to pull me out of a very deep depression. One of the pluses was that I got a front-row seat as to how women thought, and in some cases, I was finally able to understand what Sharon had been saying over and over again for years because sometimes those women said the same things in a slightly different way that I finally got. There were some awesome testimonies of healed marriages in the DVD.

Inverse Ministries. I met Clint and Penny Bragg after we reconciled and have heard their story. Basically, they met, had a whirlwind courtship, got married as the darlings of the church, and were divorced less than two years later. They moved three thousand miles apart and, after 11 years, miraculously reconciled. Their testimony is one full of hope for troubled marriages.

Marriage911Online. Joe and Michelle Williams had multiple marriages before each other, then as Christians, went through a major separation. Out of that experience, they wrote Reconciling God’s Way. The format is that each partner if both are willing, has a same-sex mentor and a workbook that walks you through 12 weekly lessons that help each partner get focused back on God. The mentor does not need any special training. Ideally, you start reconciling by doing some dates and exercises. Even if only one partner is willing to participate, this is designed to help that partner get on track with God.

Sharon and I started this at the same time. However, either on our week 3 or week 4 date, she told me she was getting a divorce. She didn’t finish the study, but I did, and I am very glad I did because it truly helped keep me on track. I will forever appreciate my mentor, who hung in there even when things looked hopeless.

Divorce Busting with Michelle Weiner Davis. I read and was inspired by parts of her books and websites. Her approach is to find practical solutions for couples so that as problems are solved one at a time, healing occurs, regardless of the why’s of the problems in the first place. She offers a Divorce Busting Coaching service by phone where coaches help you quickly sort out action steps to save your marriage. I considered doing this during our separation but wasn’t sure if it was a lot of marketing hype or really solid stuff.

My motto was, “Anything is better than spending time, money, and effort on divorce attorneys.”

Are you overwhelmed and worn out yet? Do you think you don’t have the time, money, or energy to do all of this? I encourage praying about it and then starting with one thing or two things. Ask for God’s help as you get started and then later try more. I don’t know what combination will work for you, but I am hoping to inspire you not to quit. Most likely, short of a life-threatening illness or injury, reconciling your marriage will be your biggest challenge.

I went through cancer and chemo at 30 years old, and in my opinion, healing from that took far less energy, took a lot less out of me, and less faith on my part than our 16-month separation. I am not trying to depress you but to level with you. Hopefully, your marriage can turn around quicker and easier than ours did.

During our separation, I spent alot of time focused on what God wanted me to do. I will continue to share some of that journey and those thoughts and my conclusions in this blog.

Our situation was made easier in that Sharon and I were both Christians and we both accepted one another as Christians (not that all of our actions or reactions were Christ-like). Neither one of us was involved in an affair. Neither of us had a major addiction such as drugs or alcohol. In the time just before our separation, but more during it, my anger started to surface. I never hit Sharon, although I exploded in a rage some in her presence; she had a legitimate concern about what I might do.

Now that we are helping other couples, and have privy to seeing a more broad range of marital/ divorce situations, I realizing many issues that I didn’t personally have to face; but people are asking me what I think about this or that. I am going back and reading and reflecting more on some materials I picked up during our separation on broader issues so I can either give a more definitive response from a Biblical perspective, or I can point people to some good solid resources with a reasoned Biblical view on lots of the nuances in these situations.

I will remind people to check with their pastors also. I am working with people from many church backgrounds, and the various pastors and denominations have different views on many issues. The more I read the more I realize that marriage, divorce and remarriage are complicated areas in life, and even pastors who have studied, preached, and counseled for years are rethinking some of their beliefs. What I do think that I need to emphasize over and over again is that people need to dig into the Bible, dig into the books, spending their own time in serious and prayer and study about their personal circumstances. They have to live the rest of their lives with the decisions they make in these times, and I hope to encourage them to really wrestle with God over these decisions. Don’t completely rely on my viewpoint, their pastor, a book, or convential wisdom to make their decisions for them. But rely on God.

Lately, in addition to just studying the scriptures for myself like I shared elsewhere in this blog, I have been studying “Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible” by Jay Adams, the writings and blogging of John Piper and others at CBMW and at Desiring God, and “Marriage and Divorce, God’s Call, God’s Compassion” by M. G. McLuhan.

As I mentioned in my post about Malachi, I needed to do more research on the concept of marriage as a covenant versus a contract. Here is an excellent article I found on Family Life Today.
http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=763

If you liked this, then go to for a three-part interview series on Family Life Today about covenant marriage. You can either read or listen to this series.
http://www.familylife.com/fltoday/default.asp?id=7779

The following interview came right out of the third series called “The Four Essentials of Marriage”. This is one of the most succinct descriptions I have seen of what a covenant marriage means.

Dennis Rainey: Earlier on FamilyLife Today you said that covenant-keeping love is the basis of a great marriage. Now, we’ve been talking about covenant, we’ve even given your seven promises of covenant-keeping love. Would you define what a covenant is, because we haven’t done that.

Fred: Covenant is simply an oath. It is the most sacred, the most sacrificial, the most serious commitment that anyone can ever make. Sacrifice is at the core of covenant. It’s a walk of death in the Old Testament, where you walk through those dead animals and saying, in that walk, “God I am dying to selfishness, to a life of independence, and I’m committing my life to someone else. And, God, if I ever break this covenant, kill me on the spot.” That’s how serious covenant is. It’s the most serious commitment anyone could make.You see, a contract is made in suspicion. That’s about loopholes; that’s about outs. A contract is a signing of the names. Covenant is a binding of the heart. I like to say it’s a tattoo on the heart that you can’t remove it without leaving scars. It’s a commitment that’s – it’s as deep as life. The only way you’re going to get heaven in your life is by a covenant. The only way you’re going to get heaven in your marriage is by a covenant.

Dennis: Well, now, let’s back up for a moment. There may be a listener who doesn’t know what you’re talking about – about getting heaven in your life through a covenant.

Fred: Most people have heard about the Bible. The Bible is the story of God’s blood covenant that He made with Abraham, and that He consummated in Jesus Christ. Jesus became the sacrifice. He gave His life on a cross to pay our sin debt so that we could be saved so that we could become God’s child, a member of God’s forever family. And God says, “I am a covenant-keeping God,” and when He offers us the gift of salvation, it is a promise that we know He will stand by because He cannot lie, He will not lie, He cannot fail, He will not fail. So he is a covenant-keeping God.The Bible is a covenant book. God is a covenant God, and we are a covenant people. So the way you enter a relationship with Christ is you ask Him to come into your heart, you commit your life to Him, He has committed Himself to you – that’s covenant. And then out of that is this marriage relationship, because marriage is a picture of God’s relation to Israel, and then Christ’s relation to the church. Israel acted up so many times and were so unfaithful to God, but God was always faithful to them. And in the New Testament, Jesus, who ever loves His church and will keep every promise He has made the church, and that’s the kind of marriage we are to have. We are to love our mate like Christ love us; like He loves the church. Jesus was willing to give Himself for His church, and we are willing to give ourselves for each other in this thing called “covenant marriage.”

Dennis: And, Bob, I don’t want our listeners to miss what Fred was saying – that the ability for me to love Barbara and to make that kind of promise to her begins and finds its starting point in my relationship with Jesus Christ. If I’ve not established a covenant relationship with Him, I really don’t have the ability to love Barbara the way she needs to be loved, and that’s why people trying to do marriage without a relationship with the Creator who was the one who sought us out with covenant-keeping love in the first place, it’s impossible to do it right, isn’t it, Fred? I mean – how can you do marriage without first knowing God?

Fred: You can’t. In fact, a couple over in Alabama entered a contest, and they won it with this description of marriage – marriage with God. “We gave when we wanted to receive; we served when we wanted to feast; we shared when we wanted to keep; we listened when we wanted to talk; we submitted when we wanted to reign; we forgave when we wanted to remember; we stayed when we wanted to leave.” And it’s that kind of marriage that you need God to help you have that kind of attitude, that kind of spirit, and that kind of staying power.

Some things stand out here. Twice God says “Do not break faith” with your wife. I suppose it is important if God says it twice. Another sobering thought, “the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth.” Wow, you mean that it wasn’t just my pastor, family, and friends that were witnessing our marriage vows, but the Lord? What does that mean about how seriously they should be taken? Another place it says, “the wife of your marriage covenant”. What does it mean that marriage is a covenant?

I studied this a little bit during our separation. I want to do more research about what a marriage covenant means and to reference more resources.

From what I remember studying, part of the concept was that covenants were extremely important in Biblical times, both between men and God, and between men and men. They were also unconditional lifetime promises and they lasted even if one party failed to keep their side of it. They were also often sealed by blood. God continued to love Israel, not necessarily bless her, even when she wandered from Him.

The key concept that got hammered home to me was that whereas in contemporary society we view marriage as a contract, just like house contracts, loan contracts, or employment contracts, God looked at marriage as a covenant.

We are all familiar with the outs to contracts. I promise to buy your house, here is my deposit of $5000, if I change my mind and don’t buy it, you keep the $5000. I agree to pay you $x per month for a loan for my car; if I don’t you can take my car.

Wow, if marriage is really a covenant, what does that mean to me if my spouse and I are not happy, or if my spouse says they want out? If they want out, does that mean it is okay for me to quit also?

I’ll write more on this later after I have refined my thinking some, but I think this whole concept of marriage as a contract or a covenant has huge implications for how we view marriage and divorce.

Genesis 3:16 says, “To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'”

Several years ago I heard a tape from the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood http://www.cbmw.org/ by a man named John Piper http://www.desiringgod.org/
that gave me a whole new insight into this scripture.

He made the point that this Scripture is describing the condition of men and woman after the Fall and before Christ’s redemption. This is a description of fallen marriage, not redeemed marriage.

The key point he made was that the word “desire” in this passage is the same word as where God warned Cain that “Satan desired to rule him”. In her fallen nature a woman will try to control a man, and in his fallen nature a man, by his brute force, will rule over a woman. Not a pretty picture of marriage.

The hope is Christ came to redeem all of that. His way is spelled out so well by the apostle Paul when he talks about men loving their wives as Christ loved the church and wives respecting their husbands.

I found a sermon where John Piper develops this whole concept of fallen marriage in a very understandable way.
http://www.cbmw.org/Resources/Sermons/Manhood-and-Womanhood-Conflict-and-Confusion-After-the-Fall

Hope this encourages you as it did me.

If you are in a marriage crisis, or someone you care about is, I would suggest that you or they read the Scripture links that I have for marriage and divorce. Then pray and ask God for His insight. Here are some questions to ask. A lot of these I asked myself during our separation. On this blog you will see the ways I’ve answered various ones. My goal here is to help you think through your situation with God’s Word and God’s help.

1. What evidence do I have that my spouse has either been faithful or unfaithful to me. How confident am I in that evidence?
2. If I know my spouse has committed adultery, do these Scriptures show that I have to divorce them, or is that even an option?
3. If my spouse is a Christian and is not committing adultery, what reasons do I see in Scripture for a divorce in our situation?
4. If I am a Christian and my spouse is not, what reasons do I see in these Scriptures for a divorce in our situation?
5. How do I interpret my Scriptural right to remarry in our circumstances if I institute a divorce or sign a voluntary dissolution?
6. What does it mean for “two to become one flesh”?
7. What does it mean for our situation when Jesus says, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder?”
8. If my spouse is not interested in reconciling, and I institute divorce proceedings or sign a voluntary dissolution, whose hearts are hard?
9. We, the church, are the bride of Christ. How has Jesus treated me when I have rejected Him or disappointed Him? What does this mean for how I should treat my spouse if they have and/or continue to reject or disappoint me?
10. What issues do I really need to think through, study, pray about more, before I make any decisions related to divorce?
11. Where can I go for further help?
12. What did I mean (regardless of what my spouse is saying or doing now) when I promised, “For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health as long as we both shall live”?

I spent some time re-reading the Scriptures regarding marriage and divorce that are listed in our Scriptures link. One thing I noticed was that the concept “one flesh” was mentioned in Genesis, Malachi, Matthew and Mark.

In Matthew and Mark, Jesus says “What God has joined together, let not man separate.” In Mark and Luke, Jesus says “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.” It is only in Matthew that Jesus mentions an exception for adultery.

Paul appears to reaffirm this concept when he says “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband, but if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband, and a husband must not divorce his wife.”

Only Paul addresses the issue of a marriage between Christian and non-Christian. He says that if a believer is married to an unbeliever and the unbeliever is willing to stay, the believer must not divorce.

David Reagan’s ministry (http://www.lamblion.com/) focuses on end-time prophecy and made this comment once about biblical interpretation, “If the plain sense makes sense, then don’t look for any other sense or you will wind up with nonsense.” I have always found that helpful as I think about Scripture.

So what does the plain sense of all this seem to be?

a. Marriage is a one-flesh relationship that God created and man is not to destroy it.

b. If both partners in marriage are Christian, then adultery is the only clear grounds for a divorce with the possibility for remarriage without committing adultery. This needs to be even looked at further since it was only mentioned in Matthew. It is puzzling why it was only mentioned in Matthew. Also, it does not say that in cases of adultery you have to divorce.

c. If Christians divorce for any reason other than adultery then remarry, they are committing adultery.

d. If only one party is a Christian, everything still applies as above, unless the non-Christian leaves.

So it would appear that all of these reasons I so commonly hear for divorce – irreconcilable differences, incompatibility, we should have never have gotten married, we don’t love one another anymore, my spouse has emotional problems, and others – are not valid reasons to get divorced.

As I have been thinking about this blog I have realized that I am trying to accomplish several things.

The first goal is to have a good list of resources about marriage, separation, and divorce that I have found helpful all in one easy-to-access place. As I share more about our story I want to quickly be able to point people to a sort of one-stop shop for information.

Another goal I have is to continue to sort out a lot of issues for myself in this whole area. I did much of this wrestling privately during our separation to come up with answers for myself then. Now, I am trying to more clearly articulate what I learned so I can more effectively help others. A challenge I now have is how to help and encourage others who are in a struggling marriage or divorce situation that is different from my own.

I want to be able to point people not only to a resource list, but to some of my thinking and sharing my struggles on various issues, as well as more information than just what fits in a list. All of this to say, you may see me switch back and forth on subjects, wrestle with some topics multiple times and from multiple angles. Maybe I will even get some feedback that will be helpful as I sort things out.

I read “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman. It is a Christian book about sexuality. Early in the book he mentioned that he will probably say something to offend everyone but he begged his readers to hear the big picture of what he was saying and if something totally offended them to tear that page out. That is my desire with this blog. I hope people hear the big picture – that there is tremendous hope for healing marriages even when only one person wants to work on it and there are boatloads of solid resources out there to help. “All things are possible with God” including healing apparently impossible marriages. My wife and I are a living testimony to that.

So if I ramble too much in some post, or if my thoughts aren’t all organized or don’t fit your theology perfectly, please don’t give up on getting help for your marriage or someone’s marriage you know. Keep praying, browsing here, and looking at other places to get the help you need.

I have had the pleasure of meeting Clint and Penny Bragg of Inverse Ministries in person. They have an awesome testimony of God’s love, faithfulness and forgiveness. In short, they were the storybook couple in their church with the storybook wedding, but then divorced less than two years later.

Eventually Clint moved from California, where they had lived together, to Florida. Eleven years later God convicted Penny to write a letter to Clint to put that part of her life right. She wrote the letter, he called her and they began talking and eventually reconciled and remarried. They now travel the U.S. on 40-day marriage mission trips telling people there is a “God of Second Chances”.

I encourage you to watch their testimony at http://www.inverseministries.org/ and see what God can do.