Marriage Reconciliation Testimony

I thought this testimony from Rejoice Ministries did a great job of sharing  the real life ups and downs of reconciliation and how persistence can payoff.

In the article that follows, Tina shares her story of standing. After ten years of marriage, her husband left her and their five-year-old daughter for another woman. During the seven years Tina battled to keep her marriage, her husband, James had a baby with the other woman. In 2007, James finally came home to stay.

FINALLY HOME!

I met James twenty-two years ago. “Who’s that new salesman?” I asked my co-worker. “I think his name is James, but why do you care, I thought you were done with guys?” Coming off a bad relationship at 20 years old, I had sworn I was done with guys…but he had caught my eye. “If he is from New Jersey, I’m going to marry him,” I told her. She thought I was crazy. It turned out he was from New Jersey, near where I grew up outside of Philadelphia, and we DID get married! Three years later in Florida, we became husband and wife.

After four years, we moved to South Florida, and were blessed with the birth of our precious daughter, Avery, in 1995. Like many young couples, we struggled as we grew a life together, but with the birth of Avery our whole world changed. I began asking the big questions about life. Perhaps the biggest question of all…”God, I know you exist, but who is this Jesus?” God answered that question and many more through a local Pastor. In 1996, James and I both gave our lives to Jesus Christ. We had found a new life in Christ, and a new purpose as a family. James’ purpose was found in his passion to serve others as a firefighter/paramedic and we celebrated as he was hired by a Fire Department about 60 miles away from our home.

At the same time, I accepted the call to teach at a new Christian school our church had started. The same year, Avery started Kindergarten. It all seemed to be coming together, a new life in Christ, our careers were established and Avery flourishing in school. Then our family’s peace was shattered when I found out James was having an affair. For the next seven years, James and I went back and forth, up and down, in our relationship. We struggled with our sinful nature and what God would have us do. We both had times we wanted to just give up on our marriage, but when he wanted to quit, I would stand fast, and when I was ready to set him free, he would not leave me. From my perspective it was the most painful, but amazing season of my life. I learned the true meaning of sacrifice, faithfulness and love. On Valentine’s Day 2008, after years of pain and struggle for both of us, James planned a special night. He took me to the beach, served me dinner, and gave me a beautiful new diamond wedding ring.

God’s love never fails. God’s love toward me, even in my sin, humbled me so that I could love and forgive James during the toughest season of his life. That love, as God promises, “covers a multitude of sins.” This man not only loved me, he was finally able to accept God’s love and forgiveness…which changed his life.

From that Valentine’s Day on, James loved us and served us selflessly. My husband and Avery’s dad, was the man I always dreamed he would be, the man I prayed he would become. We renewed our wedding vows on March 26, 2008, and began what we expected to be a long and wonderful new life together. Then came that tragic, but glorious day, almost one year later on March 8, 2009, when God took James home to Heaven. Traveling on his motorcycle to the job he loved as a Firefighter/Paramedic, James was killed. The day he died, James was right with his wife, with his daughter and with his God. James stood before God that day and heard the words we all long to hear, “Well done good and faithful servant…come and share your Master’s happiness.”

The promises God gave me through this journey were fulfilled. God promised me that James would “rescue souls from the flames.” His life and death are still accomplishing this truth. I continue to cling to His promise to me that, “Blessed is she who believes what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.” The Lord also promised that He would “complete the work he started” in James, “until the day of Christ Jesus.”

James, God’s work in you is complete, well done. I can’t wait to see you again, until then you are finally home!

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Reaches out in desperation . . . then done

Often times when I write emails I happen to come across names in my contact list that I remember as having contacted me in a desperate attempt to save their marriage. I’ll remember one  or two phone calls or emails from them where I  encouraged them the best I knew how to hold on to their marriage and referred them to multiple resources.

Many times that is the last I ever heard from them, but sometimes I see them on Facebook or out and about and find out that they got divorced or quit working on their marriage. I just find it sad when that happens, but  especially sad if the shift from “desperation to done” appears to happen quickly.

On the other hand, I do read and hear many stories of reconciliation and I so wish that those who quit quickly would be inspired to hang on for the long haul.

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The Power of Worship

I happened to be up late last night and started listening to various worship songs and videos. I recalled how helpful listening to worship was during our separation. On many nights I fell asleep with my headset on listening to worship.

There is something about listening to worship, especially songs that are based on the Word of God and focus on Jesus, that can totally change my mood and outlook on life even when I don’t have the energy to read the Bible, pray, or journal.

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Thankful for Reconciliation

We just returned from our daughter’s college graduation. Over the last few days I have momentarily pondered what it would have been like if Sharon and I had divorced and I have been so thankful that we didn’t. This article well expresses the angst of a college graduate whose parents are divorced.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/taylor-trudon/the-day-i-accepted-my-mod_b_860355.html

I recently read a quote somewhere that if you are divorced with kids you are still always married to your ex-spouse because sooner or later you are going to be crossing paths with them at graduations, births, weddings, deaths etc.

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Four Soils of Marriages

Jesus shared the parable of the four soils in regards to people hearing the message of salvation. I have noticed a similar pattern with couples seeking help for marriage.

Jesus talked about the seed sown on the path being quickly taken away by Satan. I have watched couples where one party basically didn’t want to hear anything. It is particularly sad to see a pre-married couple who is only going through the motions of pre-marital mentoring just to satisfy a church requirement, not because they really want to build a great relationship.

Jesus talks about the seed on the rocky soil having no root.  This couple will show up at a training or mentoring. They actively participate in the exercises and often leave on a positive note, but you see them later and they have never tried a thing they were taught then complain about no changes in their relationship.

Jesus mentions that the seed on the  thorny soil is choked out by the worries of life and the deceitfulness of wealth. This couple does participate well when they are taught and seem very encouraged about their relationship, however, when you ask if they have done anything you taught their answer is that they have been too busy.

Many of these couples can be very successful in endeavors other than their marriage because they work hard and give it their all, but they don’t put the same energy towards their relationship with their spouse.

Jesus talks about the seed on good soil having a good heart and reproducing 30, 60, or a hundred fold. These couples are a delight and an honor to train. Often they will start dreaming of ways to help other couples and teach them what they have learned from us.

One thing I have to remember as a marriage educator, mentor, and coach is that my job is to do a good job seeding, but the results are up to God and the couples.

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Surviving “Down” Days

Sometimes during our separation I was just so down in the dumps that it seemed like nothing or no one could encourage me. It was sometimes like that day or night. I learned to put on my headphones and just listen to worship, especially worship that included a lot of scripture.

At times I didn’t have energy to read my Bible, but I would speak out loud The Lord’s Prayer or the 23rd Psalm or other short scriptures that I knew from memory. I can’t tell you how but eventually my spirit would be renewed and I would have hope and be able to think more clearly, read, and reach out to people.

Remember, Jesus promised us that He will never leave us or forsake us. He also told us to “put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness”.

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Never Give Up

I am aware of marriages that have recovered from affairs, alcohol, addiction, abuse, and just general unhappiness. We have our own testimony of a marriage restored after 16 months of separation. The key to these recovered marriages is that at some point one partner or the other chose not to give up in spite of an apparently hopeless situation.

Jesus talked about the woman who sold all she had to find the pearl of great price. He also promised that he who seeks, finds. If you are in a bad situation in your marriage my encouragement is to ask God for help to never give up and then ask for His help as you start digging for answers. Dig in His Word, dig in this blog, dig on the internet, dig in conversations with reconciled marriages, dig in books, but just determine not to give up.

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Read for Your Marriage

I am reading “Read for Your Life” by Pat Williams. The book is laying out the case for the benefits of reading. He tells the  story of University of Virginia women’s basketball coach Debbie Ryan who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and then read Lance Armstrong’s book “It’s Not About the Bike.” As she read the story of Lance recovering from cancer she was inspired in her own eventually successful battle against cancer.

I realized that during our separation I read a lot about marriage, separation, divorce, and reconciliation. Many of the references on this blog come from that time in my life. I decided if I got just one solid idea or thought of inspiration from a book that helped me hold on one more day to hope for my marriage – or to make one positive adjustment in my life – reading the book was worth it.

Regardless of whether you are newly married, happily married, in a struggling marriage, or even divorced, I encourage you to read and learn all you can about how to have a great marriage.

I have a friend whose wife threatened him with divorce because of domestic violence. He came to his senses and got counseling, but also dedicated himself to reading everything possible about communication because he knew that was a weakness of his. They reconciled and have become marriage mentors and teachers.

If you are mostly resistant to reading or can only handle tiny bits at a time,  subscribe to some Facebook Fan Pages or Twitter feeds about marriage. If you just can’t stand to read at all, find You Tube and other videos on marriage. Some of the best are at Divorce Busting.

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Simple Ways To Say “I Love You”

I thought this was a great list of ideas to inspire us to do simple things for our spouse that communicates “I love you.”

74 Simple Things You Can Do To Brighten Your Spouse’s Day

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Divorced and Remarried

Here are several links to websites for couples who were divorced and remarried. Think long and hard before getting divorced. God might surprise you and put you back together.

Reflections of a Ragamuffin

Inverse Ministries

Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs

Rejoice Ministries

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