Friday Ramblings

Posted on July 30, 2010 by RichWildman

Just thought I would share a few things that have been running around in my head.

I should know it but sometimes I forget, if life is to be lived to the full it is to be all about Jesus. If marriage is to be all it should be it needs to be about Jesus.

I had a friend in his 70’s who contracted leukemia and for the next two and a half years he wrote his devotionals and journaled at www.caringbridge.org. He recently passed away and I was just randomly reading some of his old devotions. They were pointing right at the importance of the preeminence of Jesus in our lives.

I just read The Jesus Manifesto by Frank Viola and Leonard Sweet. Their theme was the supreme importance of Christ in our lives.

I also read Mere Churchianity by Michael Spencer where one of his key themes was getting our lives focused on Christ.

Our associate pastor at church had a sermon three weeks ago in which he was saying that we can look at Christ as “a Man”, “a Lamb”, or “a Lion”.

I know that during our separation I spent more time concentrating on the different aspects of Jesus and really seeking Him out – more than I probably ever had in my life – and He changed me in many ways.

I have been spending time browsing around the internet reading different marriage and relationship blogs and thinking how best to catalog and pull some of the best together so it will be helpful to others. What I post on here is just a small fraction of the good stuff I see.

As I have interacted with or heard about various people who have had multiple marriages and the struggles they are having now or have had in the past, I wonder why they didn’t slow down and get more help before going into a second, third or fourth marriage? Why will some people move into marriage with a partner who has had multiple marriages without taking longer to make sure that old issues and problems are resolved?

Which brings a quote from my pastor to mind from years ago, “One thing worse than not being married is being married to the wrong person.”

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Don’t Give Up by Gary Chapman

Posted on July 30, 2010 by RichWildman

Great article from Gary Chapman about reasons not to give up on your marriage.

Don’t Give Up
Do you feel like giving up on your marriage? I’ve been counseling people with marital struggles for over thirty-five years. And, often they have no hope. They are living in very difficult marriages. I am under no illusion that I can give a magic formula to bring healing to all such marriages, but I do believe that in every troubled marriage, steps can be taken by one partner, that have the potential for changing the emotional climate between the two of them. The first step is to make the decision not to give up. 

The Problems with Divorce
There are three radical and negative approaches to a troubled marriage: suicide, homicide, and divorce. The first two are considered unthinkable by intelligent, mentally healthy people. On the other hand, divorce is often seen as a humane way of ending the pain of an unhealthy marriage. Some have divorced two, three or more times and are still in search of a happy marriage.

When I did the research for my book: Desperate Marriages, I discovered that divorce does not solve problems; it creates problems. Problems that never go away. The answer is not found in running, but in learning. Learn what is behind your spouse’s bad behavior. Then you can ask God for wisdom on how to respond. You can be a part of the solution.

Dr. Judith Wallerstein has studied the topic of divorce for more than 20 years. Here are her conclusions. “People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses – back we go to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean…Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce.  Life is almost always more arduous and more complicated than they expect.”

Generational Effects
When parents divorce, typically children feel intensely rejected. Children get angry at their parents for violating the basic rule of parenthood – parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Because we are creatures of memory, we may carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime.

After the divorce, most parents plan to continue good relationships with their children, but parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce. As adults, they often fear that their own marriage will fail. And in fact, the divorce rate for ‘children of divorce’ is higher than for those whose parents stay together. By continuing to work on your marriage, you could actually save your children much relational baggage.

From Bad to Worse
Does divorce seem like the best alternative to you? If so, I hope you’ll read my book – Desperate Marriages. Divorce, unlike death, does not end contact with the other person, especially if you have children. Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. Research indicates that 73 % of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living.

One wife said, “Our marriage was bad, but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, but now I have less time and less money.” The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime.

Are you in a desperate marriage? If the answer is yes, do yourself a favor…read a book, talk with a counselor or pastor, share with a trusted friend, but refuse give up.


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Did I Take This Man?

Posted on July 30, 2010 by RichWildman

This lady looks back with both humor and serious reflection on what it takes to make a marriage work.

http://kyria.com/topics/marriagefamily/marriage/romancesex/6w5088.html?start=1

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Hope

Posted on July 28, 2010 by sewildman

I’ve talked to several people this past week who are having a hard time having hope for their marriages. I just read this devotional today from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman and think that it might offer some encouragement as it did for me when Richard and I were struggling.

By faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. ~ Galatians 5:5

There are times when everything looks very dark to me – so dark that I have to wait before I have hope. Waiting with hope is very difficult, but true patience is expressed when we must even wait for hope. When we see no hint of success yet refuse to despair, when we see nothing but the darkness of night through our window yet keep the shutters open because stars may appear in the sky, and when we have an empty place in our heart yet will not allow it to be filled with anything less than God’s best – that is the greatest kind of patience in the universe. It is the story of Job in the midst of the storm, Abraham on the road to Moriah, Moses in the desert of Midian, and the Son of Man in the Garden of Gethsemane. And there is no paitence as strong as that which endures because we see “him who is invisible” (Heb. 11:27). It is the kind of patience that waits for hope.

Dear Lord, You have made waiting beautiful and patience divine. You have taught us that Your will should be accepted, simply because it is Your will. You have revealed to us that a person may see nothing but sorrow in his cup yet still be willing to drink it because of a conviction that Your eyes see further than his own.

Father, give me Your divine power – the power of Gethsemane. Give me the strength to wait for hope – to look through the window when there are no stars. Even when my joy is gone, give me the strength to stand victoriously in the darkest night and say, “To my heavenly Father, the sun still shines.”

I will have reached the point of greatest strength once I have learned to wait for hope. George Matheson

Strive to be one of the few who walk this earth with the ever present realization – every morning, noon, and night – that the unknown that people call heaven is directly behind those things that are visible.


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She Hated Her Husband

Posted on July 23, 2010 by RichWildman

I thought this was a great testimony. What I found so realistic about it was the many ups and downs this couple had before they really got tracking together to save their marriage with Christ’s help.

http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3842489&ct=8534231

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General Observations on Marriage

Posted on July 19, 2010 by RichWildman

I am by no means an expert on marriage, however, over the last several years through mentoring and coaching my wife and I have gotten to know several pre-married couples and several married but struggling couples. Here are some general observations we’ve learned.

  • Past and present problems within the Family of Origin of each spouse can have a huge impact on a marriage.
  • Communication problems are an almost universal struggle in marriage.
  • Each individual’s personality plays a huge role in marital problems so some kind of personality assessment can be helpful.
  • A willingness to learn on the part of both parties is critical in making progress toward reconciliation.
  • Learning to forgive is absolutely necessary in healing marriages.

Part of the reason for mentioning these is that if some counselor or mentor has suggested that you should consider a personality assessment or inventory, or that maybe some family issues are causing problems, slow down long enough to hear them out because they might be on the right track. There are many resources available to help with each one of these observations. Contact us if you want more information.

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The Last Resort Technique

Posted on July 19, 2010 by RichWildman

Michelle Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busting shares The Last Resort Technique on her blog. I did most of what she cautions against during our separation. She is right. I would probably have been farther ahead if I had I not done many of those things, especially early in our separation. It’s definitely something to think about.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-to-prevent-a-divorce-the-last-resort-technique/

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Overcoming Marriage

Posted on July 16, 2010 by RichWildman

Great article about the truth that marriage can be tough but worth the struggle.  Reminds me of our own marriage. A key concept is that you can either have an overcoming marriage or be overcome.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/the_overcoming_marriage.aspx

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Facebook and Your Marriage (K. Jason & Kelli Krafsky)

Posted on July 15, 2010 by RichWildman

I just finished reading an awesome book entitled “Facebook and Your Marriage” by K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky. This is a fast read with a lot of practical tips about what Facebook is and how to use it, as well as how to be wise and use it for good in your marriage. Jason and Kelli also help couples walk through the minefield of Facebook that some have used to help destroy their  marriage.

They also have much good information at their website www.facebookandyourmarriage.com.

Personally, I have really enjoyed reconnecting with family and friends through Facebook.

I have been very pleasantly surprised how many Christians are among my former classmates and how bold they are about their faith. I often get some good devotional thoughts from their postings.

I am not afraid to hide the myriad of games that I don’t care to see.

I am not afraid to hide friends who post too much mundane stuff about their life. Lots of times I do keep them as friends so that if I hear of something major happening in their lives I can still check their wall, but I don’t have to see their everyday posts about everything.

I have found many good organizations to follow who have Facebook Fan Pages.

Lots of time my wife and I have good conversations about things we have seen on Facebook. We don’t have all friends in common, so we see different things about people and often check with each other to make sure we didn’t overlook something important the other might like to know. Sort of like having a conversation about what you read in the daily paper or heard at the coffee shop or grocery.

We do keep our relationship status posted as “Married”. Like the Jason and Kelli’s book mentioned – it is sort of like wearing your wedding ring in public.

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Anything is better than divorce lawyers and court!

Posted on July 15, 2010 by RichWildman

During the low point of our separation, when we were basically not speaking or communicating except for the bare essentials of operating our farm business, addressing serious issues with our children, or meeting for marriage mediation, I kept telling myself that even no contact, or even a stressful contact, was better than divorce lawyers and court.

Sharon did come to a few counseling sessions with our children at their request, and she was clearly there only as their mother, not my wife and not to reconcile. She could have filed for divorce and for sole custody.

Sharon did agree to come to mediation. I wanted to mediate a reconciliation, she wanted to mediate a dissolution, so we compromised and tried to mediate a legal separation. We did agree for the framework of mediation, but didn’t get far in mediation. I was thankful she came, because it showed she respected me enough to try to work on our differences short of filing court papers.

I have known some distressed couples who were more civilized to each other when they were watching the grandchildren together. I have known some who did better talking on the phone than in person.

My encouragement is to look for whatever part of your relationship might be at least civilized. Try to be thankful for those small snippets of good relationship and try to continue to have them and not ruin them if they do happen. Over time maybe some other small positives will happen and someday there might even be a breakthrough.

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