Back from AMFM

Posted on August 9, 2010 by RichWildman

Thanks to all who prayed for or encouraged us about our presentation at AMFM (The Association of Marriage and Family Ministries). It went very well. We will be processing what we learned last week and doing some blog posts as we have time and probably adding some new links.

I so much wish I could have taken a few struggling couples with us because as you walk up and down the halls, go to the workshops, and talk with people, you meet so many who were once in a marriage crisis and who are now in ministry because of what healing God has done in their lives and marriages. It is just such a witness to what God can do resurrecting a dead marriage.

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Life After Reconciliation

Posted on July 31, 2010 by RichWildman

We have been reconciled a little over five and a half years. Here are some things that I have learned in that time.

Reconciliation is a long term process. Our marriage didn’t fall apart in a short time and it takes awhile to rebuild it. Building a great marriage is going to be a life long process.

The discouraging thing is that some of the same old issues raise their heads, but the good news is that we have learned new ways to deal with those old issues. When we realize that we are responding in old negative ways, before too long one of us reminds the other that we know better ways to do things. That is usually all it takes to get us back to practicing what we know and “preach” – which is so much better than the old ways.

Clint and Penny Bragg (Inverse Ministries) published a book called Marriage on the Mend that is quite helpful in addressing issues that are typical to a reconciliation. They have podcasts on their website where they talk about the things that help marriages reconcile.

We have begun making a practice of having Sunday night devotions. We started out by using the devotional, Dance Lessons, by the Braggs. We take turns leading each week. One of us has some sort of devotional thought – it might be a scripture, it might be something we read during the week, or it might be something God has really been showing us. We share our calendars for the upcoming week also so we have some clue what each other will be doing. That leads into a time of prayer requests and prayer for each other, our children, our families, couples and individuals we work with and other subjects God brings to mind. Even though Sunday devotions are not long or complex they help us keep that feeling of connection with God and with each other.

Helping others in struggling marriages helps keep our marriage sharp, because we keep practicing what we have learned, and each time we teach we learn something more about ourselves.

Marriage isn’t perfect bliss, but it is so much better than being alone, so much better than our marriage before our separation, and I shudder to think what life would have been like if we had divorced.

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What Marriage Isn’t

Posted on July 30, 2010 by RichWildman

Our son Matthew passed along the article below. Two key points that struck me were to watch out for irreconcilable expectations in a marriage, and that marriage changes our legal status but not our character.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/22399-5-things-marriage-isnt

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Friday Ramblings

Posted on July 30, 2010 by RichWildman

Just thought I would share a few things that have been running around in my head.

I should know it but sometimes I forget, if life is to be lived to the full it is to be all about Jesus. If marriage is to be all it should be it needs to be about Jesus.

I had a friend in his 70’s who contracted leukemia and for the next two and a half years he wrote his devotionals and journaled at www.caringbridge.org. He recently passed away and I was just randomly reading some of his old devotions. They were pointing right at the importance of the preeminence of Jesus in our lives.

I just read The Jesus Manifesto by Frank Viola and Leonard Sweet. Their theme was the supreme importance of Christ in our lives.

I also read Mere Churchianity by Michael Spencer where one of his key themes was getting our lives focused on Christ.

Our associate pastor at church had a sermon three weeks ago in which he was saying that we can look at Christ as “a Man”, “a Lamb”, or “a Lion”.

I know that during our separation I spent more time concentrating on the different aspects of Jesus and really seeking Him out – more than I probably ever had in my life – and He changed me in many ways.

I have been spending time browsing around the internet reading different marriage and relationship blogs and thinking how best to catalog and pull some of the best together so it will be helpful to others. What I post on here is just a small fraction of the good stuff I see.

As I have interacted with or heard about various people who have had multiple marriages and the struggles they are having now or have had in the past, I wonder why they didn’t slow down and get more help before going into a second, third or fourth marriage? Why will some people move into marriage with a partner who has had multiple marriages without taking longer to make sure that old issues and problems are resolved?

Which brings a quote from my pastor to mind from years ago, “One thing worse than not being married is being married to the wrong person.”

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Don’t Give Up by Gary Chapman

Posted on July 30, 2010 by RichWildman

Great article from Gary Chapman about reasons not to give up on your marriage.

Don’t Give Up
Do you feel like giving up on your marriage? I’ve been counseling people with marital struggles for over thirty-five years. And, often they have no hope. They are living in very difficult marriages. I am under no illusion that I can give a magic formula to bring healing to all such marriages, but I do believe that in every troubled marriage, steps can be taken by one partner, that have the potential for changing the emotional climate between the two of them. The first step is to make the decision not to give up. 

The Problems with Divorce
There are three radical and negative approaches to a troubled marriage: suicide, homicide, and divorce. The first two are considered unthinkable by intelligent, mentally healthy people. On the other hand, divorce is often seen as a humane way of ending the pain of an unhealthy marriage. Some have divorced two, three or more times and are still in search of a happy marriage.

When I did the research for my book: Desperate Marriages, I discovered that divorce does not solve problems; it creates problems. Problems that never go away. The answer is not found in running, but in learning. Learn what is behind your spouse’s bad behavior. Then you can ask God for wisdom on how to respond. You can be a part of the solution.

Dr. Judith Wallerstein has studied the topic of divorce for more than 20 years. Here are her conclusions. “People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses – back we go to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean…Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce.  Life is almost always more arduous and more complicated than they expect.”

Generational Effects
When parents divorce, typically children feel intensely rejected. Children get angry at their parents for violating the basic rule of parenthood – parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Because we are creatures of memory, we may carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime.

After the divorce, most parents plan to continue good relationships with their children, but parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce. As adults, they often fear that their own marriage will fail. And in fact, the divorce rate for ‘children of divorce’ is higher than for those whose parents stay together. By continuing to work on your marriage, you could actually save your children much relational baggage.

From Bad to Worse
Does divorce seem like the best alternative to you? If so, I hope you’ll read my book – Desperate Marriages. Divorce, unlike death, does not end contact with the other person, especially if you have children. Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. Research indicates that 73 % of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living.

One wife said, “Our marriage was bad, but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, but now I have less time and less money.” The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime.

Are you in a desperate marriage? If the answer is yes, do yourself a favor…read a book, talk with a counselor or pastor, share with a trusted friend, but refuse give up.


Share your questions, thoughts, insights, or comments:
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Did I Take This Man?

Posted on July 30, 2010 by RichWildman

This lady looks back with both humor and serious reflection on what it takes to make a marriage work.

http://kyria.com/topics/marriagefamily/marriage/romancesex/6w5088.html?start=1

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Hope

Posted on July 28, 2010 by sewildman

I’ve talked to several people this past week who are having a hard time having hope for their marriages. I just read this devotional today from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman and think that it might offer some encouragement as it did for me when Richard and I were struggling.

By faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. ~ Galatians 5:5

There are times when everything looks very dark to me – so dark that I have to wait before I have hope. Waiting with hope is very difficult, but true patience is expressed when we must even wait for hope. When we see no hint of success yet refuse to despair, when we see nothing but the darkness of night through our window yet keep the shutters open because stars may appear in the sky, and when we have an empty place in our heart yet will not allow it to be filled with anything less than God’s best – that is the greatest kind of patience in the universe. It is the story of Job in the midst of the storm, Abraham on the road to Moriah, Moses in the desert of Midian, and the Son of Man in the Garden of Gethsemane. And there is no paitence as strong as that which endures because we see “him who is invisible” (Heb. 11:27). It is the kind of patience that waits for hope.

Dear Lord, You have made waiting beautiful and patience divine. You have taught us that Your will should be accepted, simply because it is Your will. You have revealed to us that a person may see nothing but sorrow in his cup yet still be willing to drink it because of a conviction that Your eyes see further than his own.

Father, give me Your divine power – the power of Gethsemane. Give me the strength to wait for hope – to look through the window when there are no stars. Even when my joy is gone, give me the strength to stand victoriously in the darkest night and say, “To my heavenly Father, the sun still shines.”

I will have reached the point of greatest strength once I have learned to wait for hope. George Matheson

Strive to be one of the few who walk this earth with the ever present realization – every morning, noon, and night – that the unknown that people call heaven is directly behind those things that are visible.


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She Hated Her Husband

Posted on July 23, 2010 by RichWildman

I thought this was a great testimony. What I found so realistic about it was the many ups and downs this couple had before they really got tracking together to save their marriage with Christ’s help.

http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3842489&ct=8534231

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General Observations on Marriage

Posted on July 19, 2010 by RichWildman

I am by no means an expert on marriage, however, over the last several years through mentoring and coaching my wife and I have gotten to know several pre-married couples and several married but struggling couples. Here are some general observations we’ve learned.

  • Past and present problems within the Family of Origin of each spouse can have a huge impact on a marriage.
  • Communication problems are an almost universal struggle in marriage.
  • Each individual’s personality plays a huge role in marital problems so some kind of personality assessment can be helpful.
  • A willingness to learn on the part of both parties is critical in making progress toward reconciliation.
  • Learning to forgive is absolutely necessary in healing marriages.

Part of the reason for mentioning these is that if some counselor or mentor has suggested that you should consider a personality assessment or inventory, or that maybe some family issues are causing problems, slow down long enough to hear them out because they might be on the right track. There are many resources available to help with each one of these observations. Contact us if you want more information.

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The Last Resort Technique

Posted on July 19, 2010 by RichWildman

Michelle Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busting shares The Last Resort Technique on her blog. I did most of what she cautions against during our separation. She is right. I would probably have been farther ahead if I had I not done many of those things, especially early in our separation. It’s definitely something to think about.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-to-prevent-a-divorce-the-last-resort-technique/

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