I often mention seeking God for help in your marriage. This simple song illustrates so well the power of a simple prayer from the heart.
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I don’t do “separation with the possibility of divorce” very well
I have shared bits and pieces of our separation on this blog. We have plans to share more of our story in a book sometime. Part of the struggle with writing our story is that if we are honest enough that it will really help other, it tends to bring up some not so pleasant memories from the past for both of us.
I happen to be sitting at our local reservoir. I came here many times during our separation. One memory I have which is somewhat humorous now is that I was talking to Sharon on the cell phone one Sunday. I have no recollection now of who said what but the conversation ended badly. I took my cell phone and threw it as far as I could into the grass. After looking for awhile I asked some fisherman to dial my number and eventually we found it in the grass. I think I owned up to how I lost it.
My travels last week took me past the campground that I stayed at the night Sharon had told me she was getting a divorce. We had been at the reservoir just a few yards from where I am now. She had informed me of her plans. I was very upset, but mostly kept it together until we got home while she was driving. When I got out of the car I proceeded to slam the door so hard that it leaks air to this day. I got into our RV and backed it out of our shop so hard that I burned rubber as I left. The reason I was at the campground was that was as far as I got before I got two flat tires. It was a Sunday night and it’s hard to get RV tires fixed then.
What shocked me last week was how far it was to the McDonald’s up the road from the campground. I had remembered walking there the next morning in my emotional distress, but I thought it was just a little bit up the road. It was a long way up the road! In fact, I just measured it on Google Maps and it was five miles one way.
I hope me sharing this gives those who are separated hope that if they have blown it, God can heal your marriage in spite of your failures. I hope anyone reading who has been deeply hurt by their spouse can draw close to Jesus to forgive their spouse, because I am so grateful that Sharon forgave me of these things and much more.
Also, be forewarned that if you are in a separation or divorce situation, emotions that may seem totally out of character for you may hit full force. Do your best to deal with them in godly ways.
From “Love of my life” to “I’m done with them!”
In our ministry I get to interact with people in various stages of separation, divorce, or reconciliation. Some of them I have just one or two contacts with, some I interact with both spouses, and some I interact mostly with one spouse and sometimes for a long time.
It just amazes me how over the course of time a person can go from “My spouse is the love of my life” and “I’ll do anything to save my marriage” to ” I am done with them!”, “I am ready for them to be out of my life.”
And yes, I am not naive, there has been some not so pretty stuff behind the scenes that has happened, but it is sad that two who at one time were so intimate are now so estranged. It is also discouraging as a people helper to wonder what else you might have said or done to help them have a better outcome.
If you are in a struggling relationship I encourage you to do everything possible in your power not to get to such a place emotionally. Thankfully, “love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
A One Way Turn Around
I keep looking for ways to encourage people that one person making changes can make a huge difference in the marriage. The following article does a good job of making just that point.
Beyond Affairs Network
This ministry is a powerful testimony of how infidelity in a marriage does not always have to lead to divorce. Here is a link to the Beyond Affairs Network.
Below are links to an interview about their journey that Brian and Anne Bercht gave on the Canadian TV show The Standard.
Segment 2 – Brian & Anne interviewed together
Segment 3 – What is and isn’t helpful when seeking help in affair recovery
Sad About the Gores’ Separation
The other day when I first read about Al and Tipper Gore’s separation one of my first emotions was sadness. Since then I have been pondering why I feel that way. I don’t know Al and Tipper. They are not part of my family, nor are they my close friends, nor in church leadership that influences me. We are on very different ends of the political spectrum. Yet, in spite of all the above I feel sad. I ask myself why it should even matter to me what they do in their marriage. Here is what I have come up with so far.
When anyone gets divorced or separated, and especially anyone who is claiming they just grew apart and not some great transgression on the part of either party, I think it weakens us as a society. There is security in knowing that many in society really do value life-long marriages and the commitments they made.
I think about the Gores’ grandchildren and the sadness and confusion that will come in their lives when their grandparents are not together. What does that tell them about the values that matter most?
For myself, we went through a separation at 17 years in our marriage and we are approaching 25 years of marriage. Whenever I hear of a marriage that has lasted a lot longer than ours breaking up, I wonder what might happen to us in another few years. I do get more determined to keep working on our marriage, even in the good times.
I also feel sad for the Gores themselves. They have been through so many highs and lows in their lives, achieved what few people have achieved and yet in what should be their twilight years of enjoying life and grandchildren they will be reinventing life for each of them. I have been around enough separated and divorced people, even ones who thought that they had a so called “good divorce”, to know that there is just a lot of emotional struggle and turmoil even in the best of situations. My hope is that during their separation they get help and recapture whatever they have lost in their relationship. I hope they do it for themselves, for their family and for society.
Below are two articles from the secular media that I just read after I wrote the above. It’s encouraging that even the secular media, which in general is not pro traditional marriage, finds some sadness about the news of the Gores. I think the dream of life-long marriage goes much deeper into our national psyche than many want to admit.
http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1993338,00.html
Performing for an Audience of One
So often in a distressed marriage or a marital separation it is so easy to let our emotions rise and fall on our spouse’s reaction or non reaction to everything we do, including things that we truly believe are loving actions.
What I came to realize was that I had to learn to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit in both my actions and attitudes. I needed to do those things that I felt He was leading me to do and refrain from those actions that He was leading me not to take. My goal had to become pleasing Him, not allowing myself to be whipsawed by negative reactions or no reactions from my wife, and when I got the smallest positive reaction from her, to be thankful for it.
Exploring Resources
I am just amazed at the amount of quality resources available to help marriages. One way to find them is to start with our Resources page. Click on the ones listed there and see if they have more resources listed on their websites. Another helpful thing is that if you go to an electronic bookstore like Amazon to look at a book resource sometimes they will suggest other books that might be similar.
I am reminded of Jesus’ parable about the widow searching for her lost coin. If you truly want help, dig for it like precious gold and trust Jesus to lead you to what you need. The help is available.
Encouraged by the Younger Generation
We have had the privilege of mentoring some premarital couples lately and interacting in some conversations with some unmarried twenty-somethings in regards to relationships. I am encouraged to see that this up and coming generation – even when they are in the “in love” stage – seems to have a hunger for learning about marriage relationships and wanting to lay a godly foundation so they can have a life-long marriage. They seem to have a hunger to know more about how to do relationships right. They’ve seen many of their parents’ marriages fail and want something different for themselves. It is so encouraging to see this curiosity and hunger for better relationships. It’s a challenge to be open about our ups and downs so that they have a realistic view of what marriage can be, but not scare them away with how bad our “downs” were.
I am 52 years old and I think back to my parents’ and grandparents’ generations and basically people got married with the assumption they would stay married no matter what, and somehow or the other most did. When we were dating and getting married we got exposed to some premarital material but it wasn’t great. I think most of my generation probably wasn’t exposed to much material at all about how to do marriage.
Today there is a myriad of excellent material available and it is awesome that more and more churches are requiring some premarital training before marriage. I am encouraged that at least some of the younger generation is digging into the material not just because it is required, but because they want the help.
A Primer: Counseling, Coaching, Mentoring
If you have come to the point of wanting help for your marriage you can find it. There are many resources but trying to sort out what is right for you can be a struggle.
There are many types of professional counselors. Some are psychiatrists (MD’s who can typically prescribe medications). There are psychologists, professional clinical counselors, licensed social workers, licensed marital therapists, and pastoral counselors. In general, most of these are licensed by a state in one fashion or another. Depending on their licensure some can diagnose mental and emotional disorders and some can’t. In general, marriage therapy is not covered by insurance.
Marriage Coaching is a relatively new field. Coaching is very focused on listening to the clients, helping them sort out where God may already be leading them, and giving them encouragement to achieve those God-given goals as a couple.
Mentoring is primarily done on a volunteer basis by long-term married couples who have received some training in helping to share their life experiences with a younger couple. It is often done with some sort of pre-approved mentoring curriculum.
Several things to consider. If you are a Christian I highly suggest getting Christian help, if it’s competent and available. If not, be aware that your helper’s worldview may be very different than yours and may not be “marriage-friendly”. This may seem like a surprising issue, but really probe your helpers to see how marriage-friendly they are. There are certain marital professionals that often seem to recommend divorce way too early in the process.
A good fit personality-wise is helpful also. Sometimes this may take some trial and error to find, especially getting a helper that is acceptable to both partners. For some issues, especially mental, or emotional issues requiring specific expertise, couples may go at least part of the time to separate counselors. It is quite beneficial if both partners can sign authorizations to allow the helpers to communicate confidentially with each other about the marriage.
Be willing to get help from various kinds of people helpers – maybe counseling and mentoring at the same time. Both can give you different perspectives on your situation.
Be aware that some professionals are great in helping individuals, but may struggle in helping couples. No person can be the best at everything.
The key is not to give up. With God’s help keep looking until you find the right combination of help for you as a couple and as individuals.
By the time we came out of our marriage crisis, between the two of us we had worked with psychiatrists, psychologists, professional clinical counselors, mentors, pastoral counselors, and elders. Was it expensive? Yes. Was it frustrating? At times, yes. Did our helpers always agree? No. Was the end result of a reconciled marriage worth it? Absolutely, yes.
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