I am always discouraged when I notice people take off their wedding rings during a separation, especially if they say they want the marriage to be reconciled.

Many of the ring ceremonies I have heard at weddings have talked about the ring being a symbol of unending love.

It seems premature to me to take off your ring before you are divorced when you say you want the marriage reconciled. When a person takes their ring off does that mean they are giving up their commitment to love?

I am thankful that I kept mine on during our separation. It was a symbol that often reminded me of my commitment to Sharon. I think it also protected me from other women because they knew I was married.

Thankfully even though Sharon was planning to divorce me she never took her ring off. Almost every time I came into her presence I checked to see that she was wearing it. I was always afraid that she wouldn’t be, but always had a slim ray of hope when I saw it.

Jeff Williams e-interviewed me about coaching separated men at this link. http://www.christiancoachingcenter.org/index.php/2009/11/coaching-separated-men-part-i-an-interview-with-a-coach-whos-been-there-by-jeff-williams

While you are at the Christian Coaching Center you might want to browse around for other articles about coaching as it relates to life, family, and marriage.

One thing that I have noticed after five years of being reconciled with Sharon is that circumstances in life seem to occur that are very similar to circumstances that really stressed our relationship years ago. The encouraging thing to me is that when we chose to pray, use the tools we have learned the last five years, and seek the best for our “Team of Two”, then we navigate those circumstances a whole lot better than we used to and our relationship becomes stronger.

For those who are deeply struggling now I want to encourage you that there truly is hope that things can be a whole let better – my caution is that it is going to take some work to get there and stay there, but it’s possible.

I was just listening to Beth Moore and she mentioned that in Jewish culture it was only the man who signed the marriage covenant. The burden was on him to keep the covenant and to protect the marriage. That raises the bar for men in how serious God is about us proactively loving our wives and protecting our marriages.

One of the surprising things about separation or divorce is how it can render a person almost unable to function, especially the person who wants to save the marriage.

I often got into funks where I could hardly function. We happen to farm and I could usually get the essentials done, like feeding the cattle, but had little energy for anything else.

I still remember working on the taxes and accounting near the end of the year (a job I have done for 25 years or more) and looking at a check signed by my wife and starting to cry. I was just a mess.

It wasn’t too long after that I checked myself into an intensive out-patient treatment center www.meierclinics.com and was eventually diagnosed with long-term depression.

In the Divorce Care videos that I watched there was a testimony by a lady who said she got up in the morning and had to look in the mirror and tell herself to put toothpaste on the toothbrush and then to put the toothbrush in her mouth.

Separation and divorce doesn’t always impact everyone quite so dramatically, but if it does you, don’t be afraid to get help whether through counseling, seeing a pastor, joining a Divorce Care support group or something else that helps you.

During our separation one of the lessons I learned from the Marriage 911 study was that I needed to do good self care. They suggested that we find activities that we used to enjoy before marriage that were not illegal, immoral, or expensive, and start doing them again.

Some of my activities were going for walks in state parks, sitting by our local lake and watching the sun go down, going for drives, finding out-of-the-way ice cream places.

Yes, life can be very painful in times of separation, but sometimes you just have to force yourself to find something to do and chose to find at least snippets of enjoyment.

One thing I came to realize during our separation was that even though over the years I had not been primarily an exploder when it came to anger I still had a lot of buried anger and it came out in passive-aggressive ways.

As a man I never realized until later how scary even my internalized anger could be to my wife and kids. They would see a look in my face or hear my angry tone of voice. Sad to say that one day when I was home with the kids alone I reacted to an upsetting message by mostly pacing and snapping my fingers with angry body language. My kids who were in high school  at the time were upset enough to call their Mother and, unbeknownst to me, went to a neighbor’s house because they were so afraid I would do something to hurt them.

We men may think that if we are not beating our wife or destroying property that we have our anger under control, but our wives and kids may have a much different perception.

If this is a problem for you, please get help from pastors, counselors, or support groups and get it fast.

If your marriage is in crisis the number one thing to do is to seek God like you never have before. Jesus promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him.

The apostle Paul tells us that the weapons of our warfare are not of this world, but divinely powerful for demolishing strongholds.

Each person seeks God in their own way but here are some practical ideas that I used during our marriage crisis.

• Went for long walks and learned to enjoy God’s creation.
• Poured out my heart to God either verbally or in writing.
• Read His Word like I was dying of thirst.
• Listened to worship music – often fell asleep with my headphones on. Worship music that was centered around Scripture was most helpful to me.
• Prayed Psalm 51 aloud multiple times. It is David’s confessional psalm after his adulterous affair with Bathsheba. I suggested this to a friend in crisis once and he reported a new peace and hope after doing it.
• Fasted and prayed.
• Searched for and read many different resources that were Scripture and Christ focused.
• Went forward for altar calls at my own and other churches.
• Did the Beth Moore study “Believing God.”

I cannot guarantee that your marriage will recover, but it has a whole lot better chance if you are seeking God through Christ, and you will have more peace and joy in your life no matter what happens.

This past Saturday was the five year anniversary of the beginning of the end of our 16-month separation. With much reluctance Sharon joined me at a PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) seminar led by Jeff and Jill Williams of www.graceandtruthrelationship.com. With Jesus’ help that was the day our marriage went from heading towards divorce to heading towards reconciliation. It took another two months for us to live together again, but after that day I had little doubt that our marriage would turn around.

This year on the anniversary, we participated in a RINGS training provided by the Marriage Resource Center of the Miami Valley (http://www.marriageresourcecenter.org/). Similar concepts, but we still learned new things about each other and grew closer.

Our friends Clint and Penny Bragg (www.inverseministries.org or  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Inverse-Ministries/95179338810) were in town last week. As a date night out they offered salsa lessons to couples from our church and the community. The lessons were interspersed with marriage principles that I found very inspiring.

A. It is the man’s job to lead with gentleness and respect. When a man is leading correctly he only has to do very small movements to guide his partner – movements so small that they are probably not noticible by others.

B. If they get out of step, and all couples do, it is the man’s responsibility to stop or hesitate for a moment and then get the couple back into step.

C. The goal is to show off the beauty of the woman and make her look good. If the man is calling attention to himself he is not leading well.

Lots of good ideas for a better marriage.