Tough Facts for the Separated

Early in our separation I learned some facts that were tough to accept, but once I started trusting God more, they became less of an impediment to my emotional and mental health.

A.  Across most of the United States no-fault divorce is the law, which means that if a partner wants out of a marriage – sooner or later they can get out. Depending on the state there are things that can be done to slow the process, and at times you can even request or require counseling or mediation.

B.  The general assumption in the culture is that divorce is no big deal and the culture and legal system is not marriage friendly.

C.  Often in the church, even though there is a pro-marriage attitude from the pulpit, the general consensus is that there is not much that can be done to save a marriage when only one partner wants to save it, and that even though divorce is not the ideal, the best thing is to “move on with your life.”

The antidote to all of this is that “With God all things are possible”, remembering that God said “I hate divorce”, and Jesus said “Let no man put asunder what God has joined together.”

It can be a tough road to hold onto your marriage when circumstances and people around you seem hopeless, but God is the God of all hope, and my desire for this website is that people can be pointed to God and to latch onto practical resources that will bring hope as they wait for a reconciled marriage.

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Three Choices in a Struggling Marriage

It appears to me that if a person is struggling and unhappy in their marriage they have three primary choices.

A.  They can continue to act and respond towards their partner as they have been doing and continue to be unhappy.

B.  They can seek God for His wisdom, love and peace, regardless of what their partner does, and then with His help chose to act and react to their partner in ever more loving ways.

C.  They can chose to make ungodly choices and suffer the misery that brings.

It really does come down to individual choice.

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Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved

I just finished reading “Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved” by Joe and Michelle Williams. These two really open up and share their lives and tell it like it is when it comes to marital reconciliation. They each have multiple marriages in their background and marital separations of their own so they speak from experience. Also included are snippets of testimonies from other crisis marriages. The number one message is “Focus on God, not on your spouse!” From my experience that is a message struggling couples need to hear. Great book if you need hope for your marriage. You can get it here.

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How to Overcome Bitterness

I found this to be a great post by Gary Smalley.

How To Overcome Bitterness

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It IS Possible

Read the blog and then the blog within the blog for new hope.

http://www.the-generous-wife.com/2010/05/15/its-possible/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+50%2FITcV+%28Daily+Generous+Wife+Tips%29

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Surprises in Waiting

Excellent post by Jerome Daley. This really applies to marriages in crisis. I wish I had grabbed hold of  the concept  sooner during our separation.

http://www.mynewsletterbuilder.com/email/newsletter/1410302051

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Giving Up Too Quickly

Over the last several years I have had conversations with quite a few men early in their marriage crises. A typical scenario has often been that when the wife says she is done with the marriage and the man first contacts me he is often in shock, very emotional, and indicates that he is willing to do almost anything to save his marriage.

What has surprised me is how fast some men go from that emotional state to one of just giving up – accepting that the marriage is over, doing whatever legally has to be done to end the marriage – “to give her what she wants” – and heading on down the road. It saddens and frustrates me when the turn is relatively quick.

One of the fastest I ever saw was when I was contacted in August then by Fall the man and his wife had a separation agreement in place. By Christmas he was dating (the state he lived in required a one year waiting period for a divorce after separation), and when that waiting period ended the next Fall, the paperwork went through to end the marriage.

So often after that “giving up” stage on the man’s part, he seems to have little interest in hearing how God worked in our marriage or in researching or using any resources that might give him hope for his marriage. It is at times like these that I really don’t know what to say to inspire the man to slow down and keep trying and fighting for his marriage.

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Facebook and Your Marriage

Are your relationships on Facebook negatively affecting your marriage relationship? Are you at peace with who your spouse is friending on Facebook or is it creating marital strife? A new book has come to the rescue of millions of married Facebookers who are struggling with these questions and more. Facebook and Your Marriage is a “here’s how” guide by K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky, a Facebooking couple who have confronted many of the same issues most married users of the popular online social network face: to friend or not friend exes, how much time is too much time on Facebook, what info is acceptable to post for updates, and more.

Our friends, K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky, have come out with this book to help couples navigate the social network, Facebook. Read the news release, join their Facebook page and follow them on Twitter. Jason also has a blog and they have an incredible premarital curriculum called Before “I Do” that is a powerful tool to help couples build a firm foundation for their marriage.

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Seizing the Moment

As I was very busy planting corn last week, which is unusually early, I got to thinking about the fact that in a struggling marriage a person needs to be ready to seize the moment for reconciliation – which is in God’s timing, not ours.

Over the years, I have noticed that the last week of April and the first week of May typically is the best time to plant corn. However, some years, like this year, the weather has been perfect earlier than normal. Other years, it hasn’t been fit to plant until late May or even once in a great while, June.

It is easy in a marriage separation to get our hopes up for a reconciliation around a time that is special to us – our anniversary, a birthday, or a holiday – then that time comes and goes and maybe we find that our spouse is even more cold and distant. After such a time  it is easy to give up.

Then someday out of the blue, our spouse maybe more civilized in their actions towards us, they may start talking from the heart, they may agree to go to counseling or a seminar. It is easy to be mad that they didn’t come around when we hoped they would, but it is important to quickly get over those feelings and be thrilled with what they are doing, and to seize the moment.

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Our Marriage is Beyond Hope! Maybe not.

I personally know marriages that have survived adultery, alcoholism, domestic violence, and polar opposite personalities. I also know a marriage that was reconciled after an 11-year divorce when the parties didn’t even know where each other lived. (See their story at Inverse Ministries.) I have read about or watched videos about marriages that have survived  mutual restraining orders, homosexuality, etc. But with God, healing and restoration of relationships is possible.

I just watched a movie last night about Lori Wilson, the wife of Bill Wilson who founded Alcoholics Anonymous. It was an amazing story of a couple hanging in there through some awful circumstances and still eventually thriving in their marriage.

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