In Crisis in Your Second or Third Marriage?

Posted on April 26, 2010 by RichWildman

If you are on your second (or more) marriage and in crisis, this post may be applicable to your situation. I would urge you to consider getting some outside coaching, counseling, or mentoring to find out what weaknesses in yourself are tripping you up in marriage. The fact is that you have been half of every marriage that you have been party to, and even if you are the one getting rejected, or sinned against, it would be helpful to figure out why you are picking the type of people to marry that you have been.

If you have a major addiction that you have not dealt with now would be a good time to do it. Doing so might save your current marriage – and it would be shortsighted to enter another marriage without dealing with that addiction.

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Standing for Your Marriage

Posted on April 26, 2010 by RichWildman

Ephesians 6:10-18 ~ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. (NIV)

Exodus 14:10-14 ~ As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (NIV)

Our pastor used parts of the above Scriptures in his sermon yesterday about what you do when you are between a rock and a hard place, or backed up to the Red Sea like the Israelites were when the Egyptians were pursuing them. One point he made was that they cried out to God.

My wife was just commenting to a couple in a mentoring session that when you are in a rough spot in your marriage you need to pray and invite Jesus into the situation. It does not have to be a nice neat package prayer, but an honest prayer from the heart that you need help. Jesus wants to be in the rough and tumble of your marriage, but you need to invite Him into it. He is a Gentleman. He will not force Himself in without you asking Him to help you. But when you do, He will show up in a mighty way.

The word that sticks out to me in both these passages of Scripture is stand. If your marriage is in crisis it is not the time to look for a new spouse, or play the field, or to cut your losses and run, but to stand, and in particular stand on God’s Word and let Him fight for you. Stand and hold the ground you have won in  your marriage. Don’t give it up to the Enemy!

I spoke to a pastor during our separation and he said, “If you are separated you are under spiritual attack.” Note what the passage above says to do: Put on the full armor of God, stand, resist, pray.  Remember, it is about our struggle not being against flesh and blood, but against the evil powers in the heavenly realms. We have a whole pop culture that is anti-marriage. We hear negative message after negative message about marriage continually in the media. Satan is the prince of the power of the air which is quite interesting when you think of the negative power of the media.

You may think that it is your spouse who is your enemy, but the real enemy is Satan who is trying to destroy your marriage, but with God’s weapons and God’s ways, we can be victorious.

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Divorce Statistics

Posted on April 26, 2010 by RichWildman

The divorce rate in America for first marriages versus second or third marriages:

“50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce,” according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.

It’s worth it to stick with your first spouse and try to work things out! The statistics just get worse for second and third marriages.

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First Marriage In Crisis?

Posted on April 26, 2010 by RichWildman

If you are married for the first time and in a marriage crisis and if things are getting hard and discouraging, you might be thinking that starting over with someone new might be the way to go – please think long and hard about the statistics that are shown in this post https://stubbornpursuits.wordpress.com/2010/04/26/divorce-statistics/

One of the quotes that I remember from Divorce Care is that it takes one year to recover and be ready to think about a new relationship for every four years of marriage.

Something sobering to know is that a high percentage of divorced people do end up remarried, and as you can see in the other post, that is very often not the path to happiness.

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Playing to Win During Marital Separation

Posted on April 10, 2010 by RichWildman

We just came through the season of March Madness with the NCAA basketball tournaments. I watched very little of any of the games but I am aware that many of the games were decided by one goal. In those situations my hunch is that each team kept playing to win down to the final buzzer.

How much more important is it in a marital separation with your future, your spouse’s future, and your children’s future on the line to keep playing all out to save your marriage all the way even through the court system. I sadly watch so many quit giving it their all to reconcile very early on in the whole separation/divorce process, all the while proclaiming that they really want to save their marriage.

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Wedding Rings During Separation (Part 3)

Posted on April 10, 2010 by RichWildman

I have written twice on this subject before but for various reasons this issue continues to come to the forefront. One of my thoughts during our separation was “I made a promise to Sharon to love her as long as we both shall live – and in the order of the ceremony I promised her first – which means my promise was not conditioned upon her promise or her performance.” Having my ring on continued to remind me of those promises that I made to her.

I have recently come to understand more fully that even though Sharon went through a season of wanting a divorce and of being unwilling to work towards reconciliation, my wearing my ring was still important to her. It showed her that I wasn’t going to give up on “us” and the promises I had made to her.

In the past few months I have observed struggling marriages where the spouse, who on the surface seemed to have the least desire to save the marriage, was very bothered that their spouse took off their ring. Yes, that doesn’t always seem to make logical sense but in deeply struggling marriages lots of things don’t make much logical sense.

All this to say that if you are in a deeply struggling marriage and truly want to reconcile, I encourage you to keep your wedding ring on regardless of your spouse’s attitude towards you, your marriage, or your ring. It may mean far more than you think to them.

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Facebook: “It’s Complicated”

Posted on April 10, 2010 by RichWildman

In a Facebook profile you can put your relationship status as “It’s Complicated”. If you are married, even if you are separated, or deeply struggling in your marriage, I encourage you to keep your status as “Married.” “It’s Complicated” can tell your spouse that you are giving up and it tells the world the same. And, if you’re giving up why should they try?

Your relationship may be a real challenge. You may not be sure if you will stay married, but you are  married right now. Leaving your status as “Married” communicates to those around you that you still consider yourself married and have at least a tiny ray of hope of staying married. It tells  your spouse the same and may give them hope.

Changing from “Married” to “It’s Complicated” is sort of like taking your wedding ring off when you are still married. So keep the ring on and keep your status as “Married”!!

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Using Premarital Curriculum to Help Build a Strong Foundation

Posted on April 3, 2010 by RichWildman

Even if you have struggled in your own marriage encourage young people you know who are engaged to go through a good premarital course. The help available now is so far superior to what was available when we got married almost 25 years ago.

Most of our problems showed themselves in the first year of marriage. We may have been able to nip some of those in the bud if we would have had a good premarital course and/or some mentoring.

One resource we are using and are very impressed with is “Before ‘I Do'” by K. Jason Krafsky. You can learn about it at www.fullmarriageexperience.com. To see a list of providers who use it click here http://fullmarriageexperience.com/fme.aspx?pid=272

Many communities have some sort of community marriage initiative that will link you to resources for premarital “counseling”. You could Google your town name with words such as premarital prep.

If you are struggling in your own marriage get a copy of a premarital program and study it for yourself. See what parts of the foundation you missed and start rebuilding it now. It’s never too late.

Most couples I know who have reconciled have gone back to square one of dating – getting to know one another and laying a new foundation. This “Before ‘I Do'” curriculum is a great place to begin.

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Changing a Marriage by Yourself

Posted on March 26, 2010 by RichWildman

It can’t be said enough that you can change a marriage by yourself. Here is a good article explaining how.

http://kyria.com/topics/marriagefamily/marriage/helphealing/onewayturnaround.html?start=1

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17 Action Statements for the Separated

Posted on March 24, 2010 by RichWildman

Father Dick McGinnis, an Episcopal priest, interviewed a number of couples who had been separated and then reconciled. After listening to their stories he came up with a list of 17 Statements that described what most couples went through on their road back together. Each person does not necessarily go through the list in this order, but most people when they reconcile realize that somewhere along the way they went through these steps.

The 17 Action Statements

The Heart of Marriage Ministry

A. HOPE

1. Through other Christians’ testimony and example we/I found hope for our marriage.

B. COMMITMENT TO GOD

2. I experienced God’s love and forgiveness.

3. I made a decision/commitment to love: Christ, mate, self.

(This wording indicates that this kind of love comes only after commitment is made. Known as agape, it is the form of love that is self-giving rather than self-receiving.)

4. I made a decision and commitment to follow Jesus as my Savior and Lord.

5. Once obedient to God, we were able to begin to love by His standards, not ours.

6. I became accountable to God for my behavior, thoughts, and actions, and became aware of my accountability to others.

C. COMMITMENT TO PARTNER

7.  We/I made a decision to stay together.

8.  We/I made a decision to forgive mate and myself.

9.  I accepted my mate as he/she is.

D. CHANGED MYSELF

10. I realized that the problem was with myself.

11. I began looking at myself as needing change, to be able to love, no matter what. I became aware that I needed to change, became willing to change, learned what and how to change, and began to change with God’s help.

12. I made an examination of my role in our marriage, according to God’s word, and changed accordingly with God’s help.

13. I accepted change in my mate.

E. TRUST

14. Through Christ, I began trusting enough to increasingly put my whole self in the care of my mate.

15. I learned to communicate honestly, truthfully, and openly in love.

16. I learned to put God and mate ahead of myself (became humble before the Lord).

F. PROCESS

17. We are still in the process and realize that we must share what we have found with others.

Read Action Statement #1. Ask, “Who first gave you hope for your marriage?”

Read Action Statement #2. Ask, “When did you experience God’s love and forgiveness?  How did you make a commitment to the Lord?”

Continue this process through the 17 Action Statements.

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