I have really enjoyed being involved in this blog challenge. I think the most encouraging part has been to be introduced to some new (for me), very good marriage bloggers. I am thrilled how many quality marriage blogs there are with lots of good information and help for couples. It is going to take a while to catch up on reading them.

I have been surprised that it has been relatively easy for me to come up with posts. Maybe it’s partly because I haven’t blogged much for awhile. I am not sure though that I am up for being an every-day blogger though. Probably more like two or three times per week.

I encourage all the bloggers to keep up the good work. For the readers, please keep commenting, linking, sharing, and referring. It is just so encouraging when you realize that you have helped someone.

I am so thrilled that my wife Sharon and I have reconciled. We have been back together almost eight years. I think it was also eight years ago this week that Jesus helped us make a big turn in our relationship by going to a PAIRS workshop at our church that got us unstuck.

Sharon is the one who makes this website and blog look great. I do the majority of the writing, but she gives it a more professional look. Before we were married she worked in at a publishing company. She tells me that I like run-on sentences too much and I get too comma-happy. I sure appreciate all she does behind the scenes to make my writing more visually pleasing. Every once in awhile she will ask me what in the world I mean because she has no clue and thus my readers probably wouldn’t either. Thankfully, most days she figures out what I mean without asking  and makes it read better.

I gathered a lot of our resources. Unfortunately my organizational skills are a little weak. My filing system for the farm is piles of papers on my desk with Post-It notes scattered around. Without Sharon’s help, I would probably have one list of resources a mile long that you had to slog through to find anything. She has done a lot of work to get them all organized and I really appreciate it.

When Sharon does write, I think she has great posts worth reading. Here are a few you may be interested in.

Being Thankful

30-60-90

Our Weekly Devotions

Hope

Sharon is more articulate verbally than I am, so in a tense marital coaching situation, she comes up with the words to help get us and the couple over the hump.

More important though than editing skills or writing skills, what I want you to know about Sharon is that she truly loves and seeks God. I often find her reading her Bible or doing a Bible study. She has a deep desire to help other couples to not go through the struggles in marriage that we did so she encourages those who are struggling to hang in there. She also is passionate about young couples getting off to a good start.

One thing I admire about her is that she doesn’t want to go back to the marriage we had before our separation, so when in the hustle and bustle of life we start to drift into those old patterns, she is quick to get back on track using our skills.

Sharon also has a passion to help home school moms. She did a great job homeschooling our children from second grade through high school. She has made a great transition over the years from being a suburban girl to being a farmer’s wife and I am so proud of her.

Our gifts and talents really do complement one another and for that, and for being back together, I am truly thankful.

I sense a reluctance on behalf of many people to get married because they fear divorce.  Having watched various divorces unfold over the years, I can understand why people who have lived through a divorce – whether their own or their parents’ – might think that way. However, I believe they think that to avoid the pain of divorce they will just co-habit, and if the relationship doesn’t work out they can just go on their way with a lot less pain.

When I was leading a Divorce Care group once there was a lady who had been co-habiting long term with a man and owned a house together with him. If she had not said that this was a co-habiting breakup rather than a divorce I would have never known it, because the emotions she was sharing and the struggles she was having were almost identical to those  people who were going through a actual divorce.

Once you own property with someone your legal complications grow if you want to get out of the relationship. It can be about as messy as a divorce. If you have a child with someone and the relationship breaks up, you can have many of the same legal issues you would have if you had been married and gotten divorced. And the emotional wreckage can be just as bad as during a divorce.

My hunch (I am not a lawyer) is that actually you have less defined rights and more headaches breaking up if you are co-habiting and have children and property together, than if you were married and went through a divorce.

What have your observations or experiences been with these issues?

From day one when Sharon told me that she wanted a separation I was adamant about wanting to reconcile. Even when she announced that she was getting a divorce no matter what, I still was single-minded about wanting to reconcile. Over time I started to encounter people that knew us both who tried to kindly tell me that she was done and that I should get over it and move on and not be so depressed.

I went to three Divorce Care groups and even though the DVD’s we watched were very pro-active about attempting reconciliation many of the participants were pretty skeptical. One group had actually lost the “Reconciliation” DVD and had never replaced it because they said so few ever reconcile. I really appreciated that they reordered it and watched it when I asked them to.

If you are in a situation where you want to reconcile but your spouse is not being very encouraging that way, and friends or family are making discouraging comments, I have a couple of things to hopefully encourage you.

Almost every marriage that I know that went through a major trial but reconciled, one partner or the other – it may have been the husband, it may have been the wife – drove a stake in the ground and decided they were not giving up. The issue might have been addiction, adultery, or something else, but one person just got that rock solid determination that with God’s help things would turn around.

As you read stories and biographies of victories against incredible odds whether in war or sports or business you realize that in most cases someone just decided they were not giving up regardless of the odds or what someone else said. I can not tell you exactly how to get to that place of absolute determination in your inner man, but I can tell you that if you want the victory, you need to wrestle in your own way with God until you do get to that place.

One inspiring story is from Charlyne Steinkemp at Rejoice Ministries. Her husband was having affairs and had an alcohol problem so, on her pastor’s advice, she divorced him. Later she was convicted to pray and fast for him. Eventually, they reconciled, remarried and ministered together for 25 years or more before he died.  She gives a lot of excellent practical and biblical advice for those who are determined not to give up on their marriage.

So in the end, it is your life and you have to decide for yourself if you are going to drive a stake in the ground for your marriage, or listen to others who see no hope.

Most of the time we are working with struggling marriages and I often blog about struggling marriages. It’s a welcome relief to do some premarital mentoring sometimes. One of our fellow mentors once said, “It’s nice to be able to help people who want to be together.”

A premarital program that we truly enjoy doing and believe is excellent is Before “I Do” by Jason Krafsky. The program is very Biblically-based but the scriptures are presented using the Message translation that someone who is new Christian or a Seeker won’t be overwhelmed. It’s also written in a style that 20-somethings are likely to enjoy.

The material is so good I think it would be great to use with couples who have been married awhile but didn’t have marriage mentoring or much pastoral teaching before they got married to give them a better foundation.

What premarital materials have you found that are particularly helpful? If you are married, did you get some premarital help? If you did, what was helpful? If you didn’t, what did you wish you had had?

Jesus said in Matthew 19:4-6, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

As I listen to people talk about marriage I often get the impression that they see the parent/child relationship as a higher priority and more permanent relationship than  marriage. I especially get this sense when people say things like, “I tried to make my marriage work but it just wasn’t meant to be. I guess because my spouse ________ (fill in the blank with drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. ) but at least I still have my kids.” I often wonder how quick those same people would give up on a child of theirs who had a major life issue such as drugs, or alcohol, or porn addiction, or if they just didn’t like their child.

I often observe parents who will run their schedule or their budget to the max to make sure their children are involved in whatever sports, music lessons, and on and on, and yet when it comes to their spouse they have trouble scheduling a regular date night, or a weekend away, or marriage counseling. There just doesn’t seem to be enough time or money or energy.

We are not one flesh with our children and when they are gone, it is back to husband and wife until death do us part. I have read was that the best thing for the children is for Mom and Dad to love one another and have a strong marriage.

In your opinion, which one is the higher priority and permanent relationship – husband and wife, or parent and child?

What have you experienced that works to keep the priority in balance?

One of my goals for having this website and blog was that when people call me in a marital crisis, or when people are searching the web for resources for their own or a friend’s marital crisis, they can get a lot of information in a hurry.

Here are two links on the blog for those needing information quickly:

Marriage Crisis

Helpful Info on Blog

Another thing to do is to look under our Tags to see which ones might most apply. Ones like Separation, Hope, or Affairs. (For those just learning about blogs if you click on a tag, it will link to all the posts that we have done on those subjects.)

A new resource that I have just found is the Facebook Page 1/2 Marathon Challenge from Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. It is packed full of dozens of bloggers who champion marriage. Many have their own websites with a myriad of resources to help relationships.

I am seeing lots of bloggers that I have never been exposed to before sharing some great ideas about good marriages and struggling marriages. Many have wonderful testimonies of their own healed marriages. It’s well worth browsing through them for resources and hope.

As you study what we have I would be interested in what you feel is most helpful to you. If there are some subjects that you really want to know about that we haven’t covered or questions that you are seeking answers for please let us know. We don’t have all the answers, but there are many ministries and organizations who may and we can help point you to them.