Here’s a great story about a man and wife who are both in the military. She flies a KC-135 refueling tanker and he flies an F-18 Hornet. They had a chance encounter when her plane refueled his. I see the deeper story as their commitment to one another and the desire to be together.
Being Honest With God When You’re in Pain
I thought this was an excellent article by our friend, Jerome Daley. He talks about how respectfully protesting to God about our situations can actually be Biblical, and that King David is one of our examples.
http://www.mynewsletterbuilder.com/email/newsletter/1410364001
Wilkerson Posts About Grace and Hurt
I thought these two posts were very encouraging for those who are in pain from separation or divorce. They reminded of how Jesus met me in my deepest pain during our separation.
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/devotions/2010/all-the-grace-you-need-to-overcome
http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/devotions/2010/when-you-hurt
Jesus, Restorer of Our Marriage
Sometimes I think that I don’t remember to emphasize enough the many ways I sought Jesus during our separation, nor give Him the credit for healing our marriage. Sometimes maybe I make it sound too easy – like we were separated 16 months and then, poof!, Jesus healed our marriage. There was a lot going on behind the scenes and for a long time our prospects did not look good. In many ways our marriage died and then He resurrected it.
Here are just some of the ways I sought Jesus:
- Praying through the prayers (which are very Scriptural) in “The Power of a Praying Husband” by Stormie O’Martian.
- Speaking many Scriptures aloud.
- Listening to worship songs; especially worship that was centered on God’s Word.
- Fasting.
- Being prayed for at various church services.
- Going through Divorce Care which is heavily supported with Scripture.
- Going through Reconciling God’s Way which points you first and foremost to God.
- Intensive prayer counseling through “The Healing House Network”.
Someway, somehow, and in many ways I don’t understand, Jesus used all of this to bring healing to me personally and to our marriage.
Posted in Marriage, Separation
Tagged God/Jesus, Reconciliation, Resources, Struggling
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Getting Real with God
I often tell people who are separated that I radically sought God during our own separation, and I encourage them to do the same because He is the ultimate Healer of relationships.
I probably don’t emphasize enough that although much of my seeking God was listening to worship, quiet prayer, or various forms of Bible study, part of it was just being gut level honest with God. There were times I would go on a walk and probably walk a half mile or so mostly shouting at God about how much pain I was in and how much Sharon had hurt me.
One prayer I found very helpful was inspired by Neil Anderson in his book “Seven Steps to Freedom in Christ.” It went something like “God I am so furious at Sharon about _______ (whatever the day’s issue was). I hurt so deep to the core of my being and only You can heal this hurt. I forgive Sharon and I renounce my right to seek revenge and chose not to hold onto my bitterness and anger, but I ask You to heal my damaged memories and damaged emotions. In Jesus name, amen. Over time Jesus did heal those deep wounds and I was more able to love Sharon in spite of our continued separation. When we did reconcile, although there was still pain, I wasn’t filled with anger and rage towards her.
God can handle you telling Him how you feel. He already knows. If you wonder if really pouring everything out to Him is okay, I encourage you to read the Psalms of David. David was very real about his feelings with God – all of them.
McManus Letter to Al and Tipper Gore
I thought this was a passionate but respectful letter to Gores or any other couple thinking of divorcing.
If You Loved Me, You Would Give Me a Dissolution
I think Solomon was right about there being nothing new under the sun. This week, within a time span of 24 to 48 hours, I had messages from two men who don’t know each other, who live in completely different states and one of their wives is in yet another state, but each said that his wife had told them that if they really loved them they would give them a dissolution.
During our separation there was an evening when Sharon mentioned that if I really loved her that I would do what she wanted me to do, which was to give her a dissolution of our marriage.
For once, during a tense time during our separation, I was pretty calm. I told Sharon that Jesus had said, “Let no man put asunder what God had joined together”, so for me to give her a voluntary dissolution, I would be the man putting asunder what God had joined together, so I did not believe in good conscience I could do what she was asking.
Although what I told her was relatively short, I wrestled a lot internally with this whole concept. One thing I remember was that during our courtship and engagement Sharon had expressed to me how strongly she believed that marriage was for life. I was serious when I made my commitment to her for life and I took her commitment to me for life as a serious promise as well.
One analogy I thought about was this: If you and a buddy went out to supper and as you got out of the car he pitched you his keys and said, “Sometimes I drink a little too much so if I do, you drive home”, and then after supper he had drunk too much and he belligerently told you to give him his keys, what would be the loving thing to do? Do you drive home in spite of his rudeness or do you give him the keys and risk your life, his life and others’ lives?
I did not see how helping Sharon go against a value she and I had so strongly believed when we were dating and early married was the loving thing to do for her, for our kids, or for myself, or that it would be honoring to God.
Here’s another analogy I have recently thought about. Say your child bought a car and six months later decided that even though they could make the payments they just didn’t like the car and stopped making the payments. Then they told you that if you loved them you would make the payments. Would it be the loving thing to do for you to make the payments or would it be more loving if you let their credit get dinged up and the car repo’d so they learned that commitments are serious things to make?
Sharon is thankful now that I was stubborn and refused to give her a dissolution.
“The Man I Want to Be” by Chris Young
I often mention seeking God for help in your marriage. This simple song illustrates so well the power of a simple prayer from the heart.
I don’t do “separation with the possibility of divorce” very well
I have shared bits and pieces of our separation on this blog. We have plans to share more of our story in a book sometime. Part of the struggle with writing our story is that if we are honest enough that it will really help other, it tends to bring up some not so pleasant memories from the past for both of us.
I happen to be sitting at our local reservoir. I came here many times during our separation. One memory I have which is somewhat humorous now is that I was talking to Sharon on the cell phone one Sunday. I have no recollection now of who said what but the conversation ended badly. I took my cell phone and threw it as far as I could into the grass. After looking for awhile I asked some fisherman to dial my number and eventually we found it in the grass. I think I owned up to how I lost it.
My travels last week took me past the campground that I stayed at the night Sharon had told me she was getting a divorce. We had been at the reservoir just a few yards from where I am now. She had informed me of her plans. I was very upset, but mostly kept it together until we got home while she was driving. When I got out of the car I proceeded to slam the door so hard that it leaks air to this day. I got into our RV and backed it out of our shop so hard that I burned rubber as I left. The reason I was at the campground was that was as far as I got before I got two flat tires. It was a Sunday night and it’s hard to get RV tires fixed then.
What shocked me last week was how far it was to the McDonald’s up the road from the campground. I had remembered walking there the next morning in my emotional distress, but I thought it was just a little bit up the road. It was a long way up the road! In fact, I just measured it on Google Maps and it was five miles one way.
I hope me sharing this gives those who are separated hope that if they have blown it, God can heal your marriage in spite of your failures. I hope anyone reading who has been deeply hurt by their spouse can draw close to Jesus to forgive their spouse, because I am so grateful that Sharon forgave me of these things and much more.
Also, be forewarned that if you are in a separation or divorce situation, emotions that may seem totally out of character for you may hit full force. Do your best to deal with them in godly ways.
From “Love of my life” to “I’m done with them!”
In our ministry I get to interact with people in various stages of separation, divorce, or reconciliation. Some of them I have just one or two contacts with, some I interact with both spouses, and some I interact mostly with one spouse and sometimes for a long time.
It just amazes me how over the course of time a person can go from “My spouse is the love of my life” and “I’ll do anything to save my marriage” to ” I am done with them!”, “I am ready for them to be out of my life.”
And yes, I am not naive, there has been some not so pretty stuff behind the scenes that has happened, but it is sad that two who at one time were so intimate are now so estranged. It is also discouraging as a people helper to wonder what else you might have said or done to help them have a better outcome.
If you are in a struggling relationship I encourage you to do everything possible in your power not to get to such a place emotionally. Thankfully, “love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
stubborn-pursuits.com 